How do we have the initial conversation

jmfw11

My FIL has been diagnosed with dementia and we have seen a decline in his appearance and his appetite. How do we approach the subject with him? We are new to this, looking for any advice with the understanding that everyone is different. Thanks in advance.

SusanB-dil

Hi jmfw11 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

We generally don't approach the subject with our LO.

Has he shown any indication that he knows what is happening? If not, then I would say 'no'. Over 70% of folks with dementia have anosognosia. This is not denial, but rather, the firm belief that all is well in their world. Often, to bring it up can make them angry and defensive. We learn to go with the flow and follow the 3 basic rules. #1. Don't argue with someone with dementia. #2. See rule #1. and also #1 (yes, two rule #1s) is that you must take care of yourself, especially the person who is the primary caregiver.

You are correct - when you've met one person with dementia, you've met one person with dementia. Do check into the book 'The 36-hour day'. Lots of helpful information. And come back here often, lots of advice and commiseration. Also the tabs to the right on these pages - particularly 'dementia resources'.

M1

Welcome and second the above. I tell the story on myself frequently that I thought if my partner realized or was told she had dementia, she would understand what that meant and would know to defer to me. She just about took my head off, and our doctor laughed at me when I asked him to discuss it with her. You just have to work around it and do what needs to be done without addressing the cause. It's very counterintuitive, but we all learn to do it.

H1235

When my lo was diagnosed that was the prompt for many conversations. Hopefully you have had the conversation about financial matters. (will, DPOA, medical POA, HIPPA information with doctors office, driving?) Do you attend doctors appointments with him? Maybe a note to the doctor before the appointment with your concerns. Then use that as your reason for bringing it up outside the doctors office. I would have a goal or plan in mind before the discussion. If there is a decline in appearance and appetite what do you think needs to be done( assisted living, in home care???) I would suggest something along the lines of “we love you we are concerned… we think it’s time for….” Things will go smoother if you can get him onboard, but you can’t count on your FIL to want to do what is best for himself. Anosognosia is very common and is a lack of understanding their illness. This site is a great source for information. Teepa Snow is an expert on dementia and a great source of information online. The more knowledge you have about dementia the better you will be at communicate with your FIL (just my opinion). I wish you the best of luck.

SusanB-dil

@Chug is so right - important to have paperwork in order. DPOA can save a lot of heartache, hassle, and headaches down the road. A CLEC (certified elder attorney) is best route to go with that. HIPPA access is helpful, but not quite the same as medical POA (or medical proxy), that you will need for later, but MIL's attorney wrote a section to cover that within the DPOA.

editing to add: (in most states) A standard POA automatically can become invalid if the person who made it (the principal) becomes mentally incapacitated. On the other hand, a Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA) remains in effect even if the principal becomes mentally incapacitated.