Selling their home

Sbuxmom

My dad was dx with vascular dementia approximately 2 years ago and we quickly found out that my stepmom was unable to care for him. She has had severe diabetes for years and I knew there was some other issues but she presented very well. In October - she was taken by ambulance to the ER and within days was dx with brittle diabetes, unspecified dementia and eventually encephalopathy, within two days my dad had a literal breakdown and was taken to a hospital for 3 weeks to get his medication right. Neither could be moved back home and thankfully we were able to move them into a double room at the same Memory Care facility in November of last year. I am an only child and the sole decision make and DPOA for both of them. Due to the high cost of care, I made the decision to have an estate sale and sell their home - giving us at least 2-3 years of care in the memory facility. My question is - do I tell my parents (no, I haven't yet). We have had some conversations that it would have to be done. My stepmom has asked MANY times if she can go back to the house and see her stuff (she was an EXTREME hoarder - it wasn't safe to go back for many reasons - there were multiple stairs in the house, she is completely incontinent AND she has admitted to her sister [no - her family is not helping in any way] that she won't come back to the facility if she goes "home"). My stepmom's dementia is unique in that she doesn't believe she is sick in any way - she is so sick that the last hospital visit we made they advised me I should sign the DNA - she is sick because she refused to take care of herself. She thinks she is at the facility because dad is there...and is often mean to him because it is "his fault he can't remember anything". I feel TERRIBLE I am "lying" to them...but simply don't know how it will help to tell them when there are days they think they have been at the facility for years, some days they think they have been there a month. It is all so confusing. Suggestions?

M1

welcome to the forum. Don't tell them, just do it. Neither is in a position to benefit from any discussion. You are not lying to them; any more than not discussing things with a toddler is "lying" to the toddler. That said, compassionate fiblets have a place in caring for our loved ones with dementia--the correct answer is the one that gives the most comfort, period. If you read a lot of threads here, you will see how people handle various things like this that come up quite frequently.

Your stepmother has anosognosia---this is not denial, it is a feature of dementia that prevents her from appreciating that she has any deficits, and she truly thinks she's fine.

Phoenix1966

Like @M1 stated, your stepmom has a fairly common symptom in the dementia journey. Having anosognosia, she will never “believe” any diagnosis anyone tells her she might be suffering from, whether it is a family member or a medical professional. To someone without any cognition issues, it looks like denial, but she just cannot wrap her head around the diagnosis.

I was in the same boat as you in that once I had my LO placed in memory care, I had to organize estate sales, garage sales and garbage runs(my LO was a Stage 5 hoarder) before I could even think about bringing in contractors to repair the house for sale). I knew that overall this would cover several years of MC costs and the facility said when her funds ran out, they would transition her to a Medicaid bed and she would be able to age in place. It was hard, but I simply did not involve her in any of the decisions/discussions. There was no point because all it would do was upset her and not change the outcome anyway.

Initially, the cover story was(since she was transferred to MC from a hospital) that she was in a nicer rehab facility and I was taking care of her home and her dog. Yes, she wanted to go home initially, but I had several stories lined up, mostly blaming the “doctor” for not allowing her to leave yet, even for just a short visit. That way, I was not the bad guy, but could commiserate with her how “unfair” it was. I took a bunch of pictures of the place to have to show her when I visited to “prove” the house was still in good condition. Eventually, stories became unnecessary.

My advice is to do what needs to be done for their care and come up with whatever story will cause them the least amount of pain.

SusanB-dil

Hi Sbuxmom - what's been posted is correct. Just for an idea... you can tell her that the house is being repaired. A broken water pipe, or roof leak... whatever works. 'It will take some time to repair'. Repeat. Repeat. Most of us don't consider this as a lie. Fiblets are our friends, and we just do what we have to in order to keep our LO comfortable, both physically and emotionally.

You have their best interests at heart. They are blessed to have you watching out for them.

H1235

I agree with the others. It’s better not to tell them. Especially with step mom being a hoarder. Some people can just let things go with only minor sadness. I would not expect this to be the case with a hoarder ( my mom is a hoarder). I would go so far as to say it might even be cruel to tell them (especially her). This stuff is so hard. I wish you the best.

mommyandme (m&m)

Welcome to this place yet sorry you have the need. Unfortunately (or fortunately, whichever works for you) your moms “denial” isn’t unique. Anosonogsia is a real thing for many dementia patients. We learn workarounds and “fiblets” to help manage our LOs behaviors. Trying to convince and reason with our LOs often leads to frustration for all. Since you hold DPOAs, I wouldn’t discuss the decisions you make for their well being, it’s often seems kinder that way.

Thanks for sharing! Keep coming back with any and all your questions, vents, experiences etc… this place has been a lifesaver for me. So many wise, supportive and compassionate folks here having already gone through or are going through this obnoxious journey with their LOs.