This made me sad

Quilting brings calm

One of mom’s friends at her AL gave her a small journal to write in. The friend is a recent widow too and thought it would help mom.

She’s had it a week. I read it a couple days ago. She makes notes about her day and her thoughts.

What made me sad 1) she notes the most basic things that happen 2) sometimes she writes on the normal spot on top of the line, other times she skips lines or the line transverses the words. But the main thing that made me sad: She noted that my deceased son’s birthday was March 3rd. It’s actually December 9th. I didn’t mention the discrepancy.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. She hasn’t remembered my birthday for a few years. She’s spent the last two weeks telling everyone that asks that she’s been married 76 years and got married ( second marriage) in 1975. It’s actually 59+Years and 1964.

It could be brain fog due to the stress of the last few weeks or it could be progression. Will just need to wait and see.

JeriLynn66

Hoping she settles in and that you can find some peaceful moments

mommyandme (m&m)

Oh, that is sad. All of this is so hard, I’m very sorry!

Marta

Heartache, QBC. Too much for one person in one lifetime. How are you doing ( by ‘how’ I’m asking what gets you through). I know for a fact that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

Quilting brings calm

@Marta

I am what they call pragmatic or a realist. I can function and compartmentalize with the ‘best of them’. I feel relief at my step-dad’s passing because no one, however disliked, should have to go through the process of slowly not eating, not drinking, just lying there waiting to die. I think his death contrasts so much with our son’s death that it’s opened doors in my brain that are allowing me to finally fully process our son’s loss and that’s harder than this one

I’m not sleeping well - I suffer from insomnia anyway when I’m worried or have things I need to do. So the process of going through his things, dealing with my step/siblings thinking there’s money and that they should get it ( there’s not much and it goes to mom), putting things in her name, getting the estate process started, trying to get mom ready to move to a smaller apartment by the end of next week is wearing. I see an estate lawyer Tuesday so that will help.

I’m 65 and my body definitely knows it. Right now, I feel like i am running ragged. I feel like I’m at out and about more than I am home. Once I get her moved, I’m hoping I will have time to get in my sewing room at least one day a week and that will help relax me.

I know one thing - being an executor is not fun.

Marta

Wishing you well.

ButterflyWings

@Quilting brings calm QBC we hear you and feel you too. All of this is huge on top of more...so, please just take a few deep breaths whenever you think about it. You got this. I have seen what a truly amazing caregiver and person you are. Just pause, then keep going, as you have been doing.

It's OK if the pauses are longer than the activity part for a while. Though I get it, that some deadlines are pressing and firm, and you have to "just do it", even when you are running on fumes. And that executor gig...no joke.

On the bright side:

• 65 is the new 40.
• You are amazing (did I already say that? Worth saying again).
• Are we related? You are not alone with family drama (well, its by marriage for me).
• What are you thinking of sewing when you get a moment? I used to make little art cards. Small, but fun.
• A close friend/family member nurse told me to rest even when I can't sleep. She said that's most key.
• You got this! (Repeating myself again, but we know you do...just reminding you!)

Quilting brings calm

@ButterflyWings

I piece quilt tops, or table runners etc. My area quilt group challenged us to each list 12 unfinished projects that are hanging out in our sewing rooms. So that’s what I will work on. I tried making cards once but I don’t have the artistic eye for that.

I know you are joking - but we could be related. I have drama in bio dad’s ( mom’s first husband), my siblings and my step-dad’s families. The latter was the youngest of 14 and I lost count of all their kids and grandkids. So I have lots of relatives that I don’t know.

I’m going to bed early these days and reading even though I’m not sleeping.

One thing that is a blessing. He went from stage 4 to the end and didn’t have to deal with the in-between stages. Best guess is the thyroid cancer nodules in his lungs metastasized further. Mom didn’t have to see her own entire future play out in front of her. Just the last of it and hopefully the memory of those few weeks will fade.

Anonymousjpl123

@Quilting brings calm I completely understand how loss upon loss can lead to “compartmentalization” - you have too much stuff to take care of to just let it sink in. I don’t know much about quilting, but I do know I find it to be a powerful metaphor for what this disease makes us do for ourselves and our LOs - stitch together patches of our lives and theirs, and try to make it something warm and comfortable.

I understand the relief of being spared those last few years. It’s interesting, your mom’s journal sounds like things I used to find with my mom. Her “notes” to herself made me really sad too. It’s hard to see someone’s mind changing like this.

I wish you peace in continuing to handle all of this with grace and maturity.

pookabera

Hi QBC,

Definitely can relate with reading loved ones notes - everyone in my parents' house would leave notes for each other. We have a note that my dad wrote stuck up on the fridge that's not in the lines and says, "Hi its A.M wake up be hapy 12.25 A.M cooky time."

My mom just turned 61 and I know that this is all so exhausting for her. I'd love to send her on a vacation or do all of her errands for her for a while when all of this is over. She's only left the house a handful of times since my dad's been home - she says it's like COVID lockdown all over again.

She's taken up needlepoint and embroidery, which is fun to enjoy with her.

The compartmentalization is so accurate. I imagine my mind organized into cardboard moving boxes where different life experiences/struggles/Adult Things are organized.

Hoping you can get some rest soon.