Just like the old days, more or less

MrToad

DW Kathleen has been in hospice for almost a year. She’s declining gracefully but apparently not ready to leave her Toad just yet. She really doesn’t recognize me anymore. She looks puzzled for awhile whenever she sees me, but then graces me with her somewhat diminished, but still very potent smile. That’s about as much as she can interact with me, except for squeezing my hand as we sit together. But that, and just the opportunity to see her and be near her, that’s what I still crave. Some days, when I have a class to teach, or a Memory Café to run, I will dash over to the Memory Center briefly just to get my Kathleen Fix. But most days I can spend all afternoon at the Memory Center, just sitting by her wheelchair, thanking her. I thank her for being my Best Friend, for so long. I don’t burden her with the fact that we’ve been married for 48 years, because when she was last able to hold a conversation years ago, it seemed that she was living as a 10 year old child. So I don’t want to add to her confusion about years, or even that we are married. It is enough that she is my best friend, and I am so grateful for that. Many times we can hold hands and just listen to Aretha Franklin, or Diana Ross for awhile and doze off together.

Just like the old days. Sort of.

Much has changed, including my love for this woman. Today, with all that youthful lusty stuff far behind us, I love my wife more profoundly than ever. And I celebrate every day I still have with my Best Friend.  

Ed1937

Hello again Toad. Glad you took the time to post, and I'm glad you can still see some positives in this.

" I love my wife more profoundly than ever." I felt the same way while going through this disease. I wonder how many of us feel that way.

It's always good to hear from you. Stop by whenever you have the time, which I know is in short supply.

jfkoc

So good to hear from you Toad.

I know exactly what you are sharing. A relationship/bond forms that is hard to explain. It is different but very strong. Dick died over 7 years ago but that last relationship lasts,

-Judith

White Crane

A beautiful tribute to your dear wife and best friend. Thank you for sharing.

RickM

Nice❤️

JeriLynn66

❤️

Wvdancer

Even though Bill and I have only need married 10 years, I'm seeing a side of him that wasn't there previously. He tells me about how he feels about me and how thankful he is that I take such good care of him. He has always been private about these things. He doesn't remember, most of the time, who I am but doesn't ask. I'm just going to live him through this.❤️

ladyzetta

(((Toad))))) So nice to hear from you and such a wonderful way to share your love for your sweet wife, Kathleen. Toad she will always be with you. Hugs Zetta

JDancer

I no longer feel love for my DH. Dementia has turned him into an empty shell and I find nothing to love.

I sound heartless, and maybe I am, or maybe dementia has destroyed my heart the way it has destroyed my DH.

I apologize for turning Toad's lovely and loving musings into something dark. I'm living in a very dark place...

MrToad

JDancer:

The disease does spread so much darkness. I get that and the fact that you cannot fix the situation is so frustrating , so dis-heart-ening. I know it seems that he is an empty shell. Perhaps you can't get any visible reaction from him. He has lost so much of his abilities, so much of what you fell in love with.

But he is still there.

He can't show you. He can't let you know that he still knows when there is a good person taking gentle care of him. Maybe he doesn't remember that he's married to you, but in the here and now, whoever he thinks you are, he knows when you are being kind and caring to him. And he is grateful for that, but has no ability to show it. That is of course so frustrating for you. You deserve to have him know that you are his wife, doggone it. But the disease has taken that ability away. So its sad and frustrating, for both of you. Dementia has destroyed so much of what you once had. But in the understandably dark landscape you are in, I hope you can find a glimmer--not a false hope, but just the beautiful remaining light of the love that is still there between you. Dementia has destroyed his ability, not his personhood.

ThisLife

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/201771#Comment_201771

I just wanted to say you are not the only one, and I understand. MrToad offered good insights. I don't think my HWD knows I'm being "caring and kind", but I know. I'll have to settle for patting my own back. I wonder what will be left of me. ((hugs)))

ImMaggieMae

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68496/just-like-the-old-days-more-or-less

MrToad, thank you for your lovely post. My husband is in late stage 6, but like you, with your Kathleen, I love him more profoundly than ever. I don’t know if he knows I’m his wife. I don’t ask questions that I’m not prepared to hear the answers to. But he reaches for my hand whenever I sit down next to him when we’re watching tv. He tells me he loves me when I tell him I love him. He allows me to shower with him and feed him and help with incontinence issues and sleep on the sofa next to his hospital bed that I rent for him because he can no longer navigate the stairs. I can usually get a smile and he often returns a wink although he doesn’t talk much and when he does it’s always in whispers. Yes, he’s a different man in so many ways, but he’s still him. My heart breaks daily, but I love him even more these days because I feel so protective of him. I too, celebrate every day I still have with him