Slowly loosing my mother

a1981

It has been really hard to admit to myself that I am slowly loosing my mother gradually to this disease. I saw the signs in the beginning stages but didn't want to admit to myself that it was anything but as time has gone on it is becoming quite clear that I am slowly loosing her. Over the past two years I have had to take a medical leave twice from my work due to burnout and mental health struggles linked to trying to cope and deal with what is going on. It is so hard to come to terms with this, it is even harder being a 4 hour drive away from my parents and trying to deal with it all long distance.

I went away on a vacation in February as I really just needed to get away and try to disconnect from everything for my own mental health but in the middle of my vacation my mother got admitted to the hospital as she was extremely weak from a UTI infection and my father and care givers couldn't deal with her at home anymore. It has now gotten to the point that she has been in the hospital for the last month, with very little physiotherapy so now it is highly unlikely she will be able to return home given mobility issues. How do I know when it is time for her to be placed in a memory care facility? As much as I do not want to see her go into a facility I think it is coming to that point. Her wishes had always been not to be placed in a facility as she wanted to stay in her house, so it is killing me internally to go against her wishes.

All of my relatives think I should up and leave my job I have had for the last 16 years and move back home to care for my parents, but I know if I do that it will not be good for my mental health in the long run, but I feel so guilty even thinking about saying no to moving home to help them. I am still fairly young myself but my Mom had me when she was 37 so she is significantly older than most of my friends parents so none of my friends really understand what I am going thru and don't know how to help me. I am also getting to the point with my mental health that I am looking at taking another medical leave from work as I find it is too much to try and juggle my own mental health, my Mom and also work. I guess I am just really stuck and don't know what I should do at this point. :'( :'(

DCCEPEK

My husband and I are carrying out his mother's wish to be home. I'm literally sitting bedside awaiting her last breath.

Long story short she went to respite 5 days came home had a stroke hasn't been responsive since.

Hospice is on board with us.

It's been very mentally challenging. We're 65 and we still have our parents except FIL.

Pray on it

Quilting brings calm

It’s time for a facility. When your father and caregivers cannot care for her on her worst days, then it’s time. That’s the only way for you to know from long distance that she’s being cared for 24/7 and that your father’s health isn’t suffering too. 1/3 of caregivers die before the person they are caring for.

You are not going to be able to keep your job if things continue how they are since you’ve already taken two leaves and are contemplating a third. It would be a good idea for you to find a therapist for yourself. Given how stressed you are, quitting your job and becoming her caregiver is not in your best interest, nor the best interests of your parents

This is hard and it’s a marathon not a sprint.

terei

NO do not quit your long term job. A facility can be found to fit her needs. Almost everyone would like to be cared for at home….sometimes it is not feasible. I would find an appropriate place + make a plan to move her. You already are having stress related issues trying to care for them part time. 24/7 would be much much more strain on you IMO.

mabelgirl

We can’t care for others if we ourselves are not fit physically and mentally. We are all not cut of the same cloth and thus some of us are not meant to the caregivers. This is natural and not of our making.

my mom had said the same thing when she was lucid, no nursing home for her. However we (my siblings and I) are trying to find one for her that she can afford. I have assuaged my guilt by recalling at that time she would not have thought she’d be in the condition she is in. I believe she thought she’d just be a frail old lady. I also know varying frequent visits will help ensure she’s being well taken care of.

I pray you take the advice, not to give up your life as your mothers winds down. Do what’s best for BOTH of you.

a1981

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/201855#Comment_201855

I have actually been seeing a psychologist since last June and she has helped me begin to work thru a bunch of issues that caused me to burnout twice. I am seeing her bi weekly right now which is one of the only ways I am still staying at work right now. She does have concerns about how "high" on the "burnout scale" I am right now and we are working together to help me not get to that point again. I am extremely lucky that I do have really good benefits at work that allowed me to take paid medical leaves and it didn't affect my employment at all, but I do have a huge fear of judgement from coworkers and how they see me now after having to take two leaves.

I also so see how this is affecting my father, even though he doesn't want to admit it to himself or anyone else.

a1981

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/201871#Comment_201871

We are in the beginning phases of trying to convince our father that it is time for our Mom to go into a facility, as I know it is likely what it best for her but it is just so hard and I feel so much guilt as she always took care of us when we were younger so we should be doing the same for her now that she is older. This is something I am also trying to work thru with my psychologist.

a1981

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/201877#Comment_201877

The hardest thing for me is knowing what it best for both of us. Deep down I want to move home and be with her and my father so that they can both stay in the house that they built together over 50 years ago but I know leaving my career in the city that I have worked so hard to obtain would basically be "career suicide" as there are no similar jobs in their area for the same amount of pay. I also know when the time comes for her to go into a facility it is highly likely that my father will not be able to financially afford to stay in their home, which means we will need to sell it, which is another huge "boat load" of stress for myself and my siblings (and I know I will be the one left to deal with it all as I am the only girl).

SusanB-dil

Hi a1981 - Unfortunately, a bulk of the care seems to fall on daughters way too often.

Just wanting to add that I agree what's posted about not quitting your job and career, and even your home. I get that you want to be closer and to help, but as was mentioned, you need to watch out for yourself. Although you may feel guilty about that, there really is no reason to. If placement is best for her comfort and safety, I don't believe you are going against her wishes, as a lot of us have said that in the belief that we would just be frail - not a challenge for those around us. I would not want that for my daughter. I would want what is best for her, and I'm betting your mom would feel the same.

for finances - check with a CLEC (elder care attorney) - they may have some advice on that, and also check if mom qualifies for medicaid.

psg712

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/201894#Comment_201894

You ARE taking care of her. You are looking carefully at the options and trying to find what will be best for her. And for you. If you have a mental health crisis, you won't be able to be there for her in the ways that you would like and that she needs.

A facility can be a loving choice. Most of us did not want to make that choice either. In my case, I can say it was best for all the involved family, and especially for my mom.

Blessings to you as you navigate this struggle.

a1981

I know how hard this journey has been so far, and the fact that for several years I didn't want to admit that this is what was going on with Mom and now I am deep into it with her. Somedays seem so good and then other days it is like I have hit rock bottom and wish that I was able to just be there to give her a hug and tell her that everything is going to be OK and that there is nothing to worry about, but I know that this totally isn't the case. I also know as things are progressing it is harder for me to keep it together when I leave home and have to return back to my city, and I know it is just going to keep on getting harder and harder. Now that she is in the hospital I am not able to just call and talk to her anytime I need to, and she isn't able to get someone to call me unless there is someone there visiting her...and this has been one of the hardest things for not only me to deal with but also her. We have always talked to each other many times a day just to check in and say hello, whether it be over video chat when she was still able to use her laptop, and then over the Alexa when she was no longer able to use a computer. Now I am having to depend on others to make that connection for me, and sometimes it can be several days before I hear from here, which frankly is so hard. When this happens she gets so upset with me when someone does finally call me for her that all that she wants to talk about is the fact that I didn't call her and why am I mad at her and so on, and that is the last thing that I want to talk about. It isn't my fault that my connection with her has been so interrupted and there is sadly nothing that I can do about it. I just wish that there was a way where things could go back to normal, but I know things will never be normal again and I am having such a hard time dealing with that.

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68518/slowly-loosing-my-mother

I can so relate. I feel I'm losing my mom. I recently had a friend say, 'if caring for her affects your health, it's time.' I'm struggling with placing my mom now. Its so so hard. I always said to mom that I would never put her in a 'home' but we can't foresee the future.

AlBel

I completely relate to you. My mom had me at 38. I am now 48. I am too young to be losing my mother. I am heartbroken.