Dont want to lose the memory

Aayushi

Hey, good morning!

I don't know if I am suffering from Alzheimer's or dementia because I don't see the difference between them, but there are many instances where I forget things and names of people so often. It's difficult for me to finish the work I started.

I take things very seriously and feel that I am not worth loving at every moment. I can't stop feeling the pain as if it's continuously inside me.

Sometimes, I am sitting normally and feel as if things are completely blurred in front of me, and I have to focus back to see those things/objects.

Iris L.

Welcome Aayushi. Many symptoms of Alzheimer's Disease overlap symptoms of major depression. You definitely sound as if you are dealing with depression. Know that you ARE deserving of love and respect and caring! Do you do affirmations? I have found that saying daily positive affirmations have helped me. Are you under the care of a psychiatrist and a psychologist? How is that going?

Iris

Aayushi

Hey!

Iris.

No I dont do affirmations. But does depression make us lose memories? As a recent example, one of my co-workers was in front of him; I knew his name but could not recall it, and it happened so much to me.

Yes, because of some stress, I have been cutting my hand for the last three days because I don't want anyone to know about my pain.

Iris L.

Aayushi, yes, depression can make you lose memories. You sound like you are in deep distress, you must get some help! I am going to alert the Moderator about your distress.

Iris

David1946

I have been diagnosed with ALZ and have been having Lot of hallucinations. Last night I thought my late wife was missing then I got a call from my brother and I told him my wife was missing and I couldn't find her then I remembered that she was dead and buried in the cemetery and I started to cry and current wife woke me up and asked me what was wrong so I told her and she calmed me down.

Aayushi

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202071#Comment_202071

I am happy for you David that you have a lovely wife to understand you in this situation and calm down you. But whatever is there just let the emotions come, don't hide them

David1946

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202774#Comment_202774

you are right my wife understands what I am going through and she really is a great help. My wife also told me do not keep my emotions in just let them flow when they come. Believe me I let them flow it helps me to try to stay sane. My daughter is coming from Texas in April for a visit I just hope that I have a good day while she is here. I think that she suspects that something is wrong and that is why she is coming.

Thomas P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202049#Comment_202049

Aayushi

First of all, Alzheimer's is a form of dementia. There are other causes. Note that the Alzheimer's Assocation offers services and information for all of them.

Some of the symptoms you report seem consistent with dementia to me, but I am not a doctor. Ask your primary care physician about a referral to a neuropsychiatrist who can diagnose depression and cognitive impairment.

Aayushi

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202781#Comment_202781

Kids do suspect anything, and they don't let us know. I trust that you will have a good day with your daughter. Don't panic, and neither gets over-excited. Keep yourself controlled, and then all things will be fine. I wish you all the best.

Aayushi

Hey @Iris L. and @David1946 ,

I want to share something with you. Please don't judge me because I don't know. I am having two beautiful daughters one is 9 another is 4. I am married from last 12 years but I never felt loved and cared and i never had any expectations and complaint from my husband. But i met someone 7 months back and i feel complete with him, he is married and having a son who is 2.5 years and married from last 4 years. I do feel he too was unhappy that's the reason why we found each other.

I am so much in love with him, that I never felt jealousy but after meeting him I felt jealousy from his wife from every girl he ever met. I feel insecure all the time. Its getting difficult for me to leave without me. We have decided not to leave our kids and partners because we have duties towards them and being selfish will hurt everyone around us.

I am having cervical cancer and no more new tissues are formed, I am recovering, I am having continuous headache because i am arguing with him , because in life i never had expectations all expectations i have is from the person i am in love but neither i can understand him nor he especially when we are angry else for both of us its difficult to live without each other. According to the recent test i got cancer in thyroid gland too but i have not shared with him, because i feel it will be sympathy.

He loves me so much that i have no words and i too love him. But now i am not having any happy memory with me, neither with my kids nor with him. I try to remember but i cant remember. At work place i have started forgetting my colleagues' names, i am forgetting my daily work i just get blank sometimes, i keep looking at something and actually its completely blur i cant see anything and my eye sight is normal. I feel i playing with his life, i am coming in between his wife and his relation, our arguments make him too unhealthy. I love him a lot, i do compare myself with everyone. I do feel i am good. I forget if gas burner is on while cooking or off after cooking. I have no idea how things are going on. Sometimes my heart pains a lot and my bp goes very low that I have to get dopamine vaccine. My left hand and leg stop working when i get panic attack. Every alternative day i am cutting my wrist because i don't have any happy memory and i feel i am burden on all.

What should i do? I am not a good mother and my kids love me a lot, i am not a good sister my brother rarely talks, not a good wife because i am cheating on him, most importantly not a good lover because my issues are creating arguments and he was very calm and now he gets angry on others and he feel my pain a lot.

I have tried to suicide in last three days i was on train track and was waiting to get hit and weeping badly remembering him and my kids.

Iris L.

Aayushi, you do have a lot going on in your life. Your children will be traumatized if you disappear from their lives. Please, call a Suicide Hotline and tell them how you are feeling. You can even call the Helpline at 1-800-272-3900 and ask to speak with a Care Consultant. There is help for you! They will be expecting to hear from you.

Iris

Aayushi

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203060#Comment_203060

Dear Iris

I am far from saving, i dont think i can call anyone. I told him what i am going through but what i am feeling is after knowing i will be getting his love as a favour which i never want. I never want love like this, i don't want to be a burden or baggage on anyone.

Iris L.

Aayushi, it doesn't sound like you are getting any kind of treatment. Those thoughts that you are having are not realistic. Your children need you!

Iris

eaglemom

Aayusi please take a deep breath and then another. You are absolutely overwhelmed with life and all that it has thrown at you. You need to a doctor, you need to be here for your beautiful children. That is the bottom line. I am going to give a a phone number of Suicide Hotline - 988. Do not stand on the train tracks or do anything else other than call that number, please.

We are here for you and want to help you.

eagle

jfkoc

Yes, we are here and we do care. We are not here to judge but to be a source to lean on.

I believe that you can feel better. I also know how difficult is is to take the first step to change. Call the hotline. Call them aas often as you need to.

Then make a Drs appointment. There is not reason to think that help is available butfirst you must take a step...a baby step. Call the hot line...Please.

Iris L.

Aayushi, many years ago, I had bad thoughts, similar to what you are thinking. But I knew there was something wrong with my mind to cause me to have those bad thoughts. It took prayer and medication and determination and a great therapist to relieve me of those bad thoughts. My life was the same. The bad thoughts are a reaction to stress and being overwhelmed, not because you are a bad person or because you are hopeless. You are not hopeless! You can get past this! Reach out! I care about you!

Iris

NotDeadYet2023

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202049#Comment_202049

I'm so glad to read this, Iris. Bless her heart, she needs immediate help and prayer. Thanks for being such an asset in here.

Aayushi

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203141#Comment_203141

Dear Iris,

I will try my best. Thank you for your support and care.

eaglemom

Aayushi I'm so glad that you checked back in here. Hopefully we haven't overwhelmed you with suggestions. Personally I believe you need to contact you physician and be seen for depression. Yes, we do care.

eagle

Iris L.

Hi, Aayushi, it's good to see you again! Self-care can be hard at times. But you can do it! I hope you have a good day today! Iris

David1946

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203022#Comment_203022

Thank you

Iris L.

Hi, Aayushi, how are you doing? I hope you are having a better day!

Iris

eaglemom

Asyushi, just checking in on you. One day at at time, one step at a time whatever it takes. Keep reaching out.

eagle

Aayushi

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203906#Comment_203906

Sure! Thank you!

Aayushi

Yes,trying to do better but still inside there is lot of fighting going on.

Iris L.

Aayushi, keep fighting! We will help you! Yes, it's okay to take baby steps. I hope you have a good weekend.

Iris

Iris L.

Hello Ayushi how are you doing?

Iris

eaglemom

I was just checking in on you Ayushi.

eagle