Visits and a delicate and beautiful lesson

Anonymousjpl123

So after a (fantastic) vacation I came back to kind of a mess. While I was gone my mom had Covid, which combined with my absence meant she struggled. I was still so glad I went because I came back refreshed.

Our first few visits were rough. Not gonna lie, I dreaded it. Nothing others haven’t described: “I’m ready to go home,” “I am in danger,” “why did you do that terrible thing,” “we need to leave now.” I had to work late and couldn’t come a few days, and tonight I had that “oh god what’s it going to be like” feeling.

Wow. What a difference. She was calm, looked a thousand times better physically, we even took a short walk and had coffee. It was warmer. Her friend was in a good place too.

At first I was so stuck on how much she has lost, how little of what she says ties to reality, how she often she mixes up words.

But then I just switched. I chose to focus on how free of tension things felt, how great it is that we can still “converse,” however limited it is. She said “This is so nice. I’m so happy right now.” It was like a balm.

I know most days won’t be like this, but it gave me hope - hope I really needed. I needed to feel that feeling of being in a good place, enjoying a warm evening, even just one evening. And I realize how important it is for me to come even when it’s bad, and I have to leave after 15 minutes because she’s so agitated, so that occasionally it can be good.

housefinch

Great to hear. You definitely need it, and it’s good that your mom was looking better and more relaxed.

psg712

So glad for you! Those occasional good moments really are soothing for us as well as for our LOs.

mommyandme (m&m)

That’s wonderful for you both. Thanks for sharing!

Emily 123

The covid really does affect thier lucidity even when there aren't many other physical symptoms. Mom just had it again...I'm not sure she's quite sure that I'm 'me' right now.

I'm glad your mom's peaceful :)

harshedbuzz

@Anonymousjpl123

I'm glad your well-deserved break recharged your batteries.

Progression, and increased loss of who your LO used to be, is sad. But sometimes that progression bring an inability to hold onto thoughts and memories that upset and agitate them. Middle-stage dad was the worst as he had just enough lucidity to realize he no longer had autonomy but not enough to appreciate why. Later stage came with its own horrors, but he was generally less anxious and easier going. By the very end, he was actually pleasant-- a first in the 60-some years I knew him.

HB

Anonymousjpl123

@mommyandme (m&m) thank you - I absolutely posted to give hope. Those hard visits, especially a few in a row, can be so disheartening. We need the good moments.

@Emily 123 god it is awful - I’m so so so sorry your mom is going through it too. It can be really jarring. I think it set my mom back too, even after she’s recovered. You are so right - that’s exactly where my mom is.

@harshedbuzz it’s so funny you say that. tonight I’m just thinking the same thing is happening to my mom you are describing. She’s progressing, her loss of language and thoughts is so sad I tear up sometimes, but she is soooooo much easier at times, too.

Anonymousjpl123

@psg712 @housefinch it is so important! Her speech is getting worse, meaning she uses the wrong words all the time.

But if I fight it, or try to think what I’ve done wrong to make it happen (eye roll), it’s so much worse. If I just let it be, I can spend so much more pleasant time with her.

It’s so weird. It sounds like I’ve given up on her but it’s the opposite. Taking care of myself, I can be there for her in a way that feels good for both of us.