Family meeting

gabby_0789

Hello, I’m caring for my mother who was just diagnosed with dementia due to Alzheimer’s. I have a big family and I’m considering having a family support meeting with my mom’s sisters and my siblings. I want her to feel supported and I also want support in getting her to stop driving. I don’t want her to feel bombarded or embarrassed. Should I go through with the meeting? Did a family meeting help you? What came out of it?

M1

Are you intending a meeting with your mother with all family present? Wouldn't do it. She won't comprehend, and will likely feel defensive and put upon. Whether you want to have a family meeting without your mom present is another issue--though I probably wouldn't do that either; consensus can be a hard thing to come by. the brass tacks is that whoever holds her power of attorney gets to make the decisions. If no one does yet--that needs to be your first order of business.

You are proceeding from an understandable point of view, but it's a rookie mistake that I made, too. I thought that if my partner was told--by me or her doctor--that she had dementia, that she would understand what that meant, and would know that from then on she needed to defer to me for certain decisions. It just doesn't work that way. When I told her I was worried, she about took my head off. when I discussed it with our doctor and asked him to have the conversation with her, he literally laughed at me.

Most here will tell you that they rarely if ever discuss a dementia diagnosis with their loved ones. At most, we might say "memory problems" and leave it at that. Most people with dementia have anosognosia, which means that they truly can't perceive their deficits and think they are fine. Hence the defensiveness when confronted with it.

You are correct though that you need to stop her driving. You may need to take away the keys, disable or remove the car, report her to the DMV. Sometimes it is in fact helpful to have the doctors take the fall on this one, they get to be the bad guy and not the family. but you still just have to be practical--most will forget that they've been told not to drive, and this can be the source of the most vicious argments and conflicts among families.

H1235

Everyone is different, but I wonder if she might feel overwhelmed by it. How does she do at big family events. Confusion when there are too many people around is very common with dementia. If you also plan to bring up not driving that may make her feel everyone is ganging up against her. What does her doctor say about her driving? My mom took that news much better coming from the doctor than she would have from us. It can also be hard to get all the family on the same page. Some may feel a need to push harder than others on the not driving. This could lead to family disagreements as far as how the meeting should be handled. If you do not know about anosognosia yet I would recommend looking into it. It is an unawareness of dementia symptoms and limitations by the person with dementia that no amount of explanation can make them understand. This can make the driving conversation a difficult one. I think it can be very tricky to know when to give up trying to convince her not to drive and when to come up with a plan B(you will find lots of plan B discussions here). It might be helpful to make other family members aware of this very common symptom if they are not already. Good luck.