Share a date or surprise?

Katielu

Just wondering what everyone would do… I go to a support group once a month. It seems every time I go it starts an argument with DH. Why do I need to go, who is there, do we just talk about him… you know the drill. So do I tell him ahead of time that I am going? I didn’t mark it on the calendar this month. Do I just wait until the day of? A few hours before? Anyone else?

he does still stay home alone for short times and I have one of his siblings call him to chat while I am gone.

Thanks.

PookieBlue

Hi Katielu,

My support group meets once a week in a room located in a nice memory care center. I can leave my DH there for adult day care during the meeting and they do not charge for his stay. What works for me is to tell him we have some shopping or other errands to do. We will do those errands after my meeting. Once he is in the car, I head for day care and I don’t tell him where we are going first until shortly before we arrive. When he asks, I tell him that I meet with people to help them. I have never told him what the support group is really about.

He has been cooperative most of the time. He does say he wants to wait in the car for me, but I never allow that. He often says next time he is going to stay home and this is the last time he will do this. I don’t really respond or I immediately change the subject. I tell him that I really appreciate him doing this for me. I did purchase day care time coupons at $20 per hour when I need to drop him off at other times. I rarely have done that though.

One Day in December, I had made plans to spend the afternoon with my daughter at a Christmas Expo. I made the BIG mistake of telling him what I had planned and I was telling him about some of the activities that were on the day stay schedule. He had the worst outburst I had ever seen him have. He was not going anywhere with me that day. I was so angry and I tried to avoid him most the day. I went into my home office to catch up on some filing and he came in accusing me of being an intruder and wanting to know what I did with his mother (who passed away 18 years prior). He had no idea who I was and said he was going to kick me out of his house. The strange thing is that he never recognizes this as his home. It is not unusual for him to think I am his sister, mother or cousin though. It took him over 24 hours to calm back down to baseline. It was the only time I became afraid of him.

I’ve been dropping him off each week since August 2023, and other than the December incident it works out well. He doesn’t remember week to week so it really is just like Groundhog Day. I know he is safe while I’m at my meeting. I had to stop leaving him home by himself last year because he could not remember where I was and would go outside looking for me and the dogs would get loose.

M1

I wouldn't discuss it at all. If it's in the evening can you come up with a reasonable last-minute cover story? Going to a funeral visitation for someone he doesn't know? Last-minute shopping trip? Even better, would one of his siblings take him out for dinner, ice cream or something? But I would just not tell him where you are going, at all. It's so hard to break the habit of including your spouse in your plans.

sandwichone123

I call it "running errands." Whatever I was going to do away from the house that didn't need company was called running errands.

Katielu

Thank you. His siblings all live out of state. I’ll get there either way. I guess if he has a fit, I diffuse the best I can and he’ll forget by tomorrow. It’s an evening support group, a little more challenging.

harshedbuzz

Why does he even need to know?

My mom did this as well and it never went well. Eventually I convinced her to tell him she was going somewhere he'd never want to go and it wasn't a problem. LOL, she used the gynecologist. Worked like a charm.

HB

mrahope

I have had to learn this lesson over and over. At this point, he's become so volatile that I can't leave him alone at all. OTOH, there are places he has to go, and for those places I'll simplify the explanation. Yesterday's abortive trip to the PCP (see my other post about that) was simply his "Medicare Annual Wellness" visit in order to keep his Medicare, and he didn't even buy THAT. My DH said the doctor was "incompetent", "a resident" (not true), and that he, DH, had taught medical students (true many years ago). Sigh. Maybe try something like "I'm going to learn how to be a better helper for you."

M5M

Yes, I never tell DH “ the support group” Right now, I’m using “doctor checkup” or “Physical therapy “, playing off therapy for a bad shoulder that he knows about. The therapy visits are over. Sometimes I say “ help the neighbor “….anything that is neutral.

i usually mention it the day before along with saying something he likes first: “tomorrow we can go get a coffee, then later I need to go to doctor/whatever.” Because he is dependent on me for entertainment and variety, I want him to know there is something he likes coming up. Even if he forgets, I think he gets a comforted feeling hearing there is a plan, at least in the moment.

LindaLouise

The adult day program has a transportation available and I was considering using it - has anyone any experience with having their DH or DW picked up for a program? A little nervous to try this, but it would be very helpful on a day when I have an morning appointment!

Katielu

I still work so the support group is in the evening. Not a lot of places he wouldn’t go with me, not a lot of cover stories for 2 hours. I’ll keep at it.