Loved One Not Wanting to Go to A Home

Mike515

Hi everyone. I'm new here and happy to join this community. I have an 88 year old grandmother who is approaching late stage Alzheimer's but needs to go to a care facility and doesn't want to. I have mentioned it once every 1-2 weeks for the last month but she gets emotional and upset and says she's not going. I also have a brother who is a paranoid schitzophranic that comes over once or twice a week and things are getting pretty stressful. I need to get her in that home in the next 1-2 months. Any ideas on how to do that if she is reluctant to go, and how I might get the title transfer signed by her when we sell the house without her freaking out? Anything will help. Thank you in advance.

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68592/loved-one-not-wanting-to-go-to-a-home

Can you take her to a facility for an activity? Say it's a 'senior center' & go play bingo, listen to music or do whatever they'll let you join. She live alone? I'm assuming she needs help with daily activities around the home or self care? Perhaps if you were to take her to a facility, she'll realize it's not as bad as she thinks? And she may even meet a few people if you go a few times.

As far as her signing something over, you may have to just say she needs to sign in order for you to keep it 'safe' for now.

If you're looking to get her in in 1-2 months, have you started looking? If not, start researching & visiting as many places as you can. It's a process, some have waiting lists & lots of things to consider. On top of that, there's paperwork that needs done, papers from her doctor, etc.

We are reaching the point of moving my mom in to a place. It's one of the hardest things I"ve ever had to do. I'm just trying to remember, it's for her own good.

M1

Hi Mike and welcome to the forum.

It may help to remember that she can no longer reason, so that trying to tell her the real reasons for doing something are unlikely to work and are likely to trigger resistance, as you are seeing.

It doesn't sound like you hold power of attorney for her, and everything will likely be easier if you can obtain it. Then you can sign the papers for the memory care or nursing home, and you can sign the title transfer. A certified elder law attorney handles these things (look by location at nelf.org). They are also experienced in getting her to sign such documents. Otherwise, you may have to seek guardianship, which is a much more expensive and difficult process.

Mike515

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202709#Comment_202709

Thanks for the info. I live with her. I just started looking for a place yesterday. I'll see if the one we end up going with has activities she can join; great idea.

SusanB-dil

Hi Mike - as M1 has posted - DPOA is important.

As far as getting her into a facility, yes, do research, but when the time does come, after she is there, you can tell her that the house is under repair - a broken water-pipe often works. It is being repaired, so she needs to stay there for a while. Repeat as necessary.

I'm sorry you are dealing with 'this'.

Marta

Does your loved one have living children? If yes, they may hold the POA.

Smilescountry

I agree that a POA needs to step in, whether it be you or someone else. We took my parents to their lawyer to update their will when he was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but she determined that Dad was not able to agree to changes in his will or to sign legal paperwork. She helped us come up with a solution, but Dad was not competent to make any legal decisions at all. I also worked with my parents' family doctor and with the Social Security Administration. Regarding the facility, many have a "trial" program where a loved one can stay a specified amount of time just to see how things go.. That might be a first good step. But someone needs to determine if your grandmother is even competent enough to make those decisions on her own, I would think.

Mike515

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202932#Comment_202932

No, her daughter passed away years ago.

Mike515

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202991#Comment_202991

Thanks for the info. I will have to be the poa. I'm already the executor on her will and nothing needs changed there.

Mike515

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202900#Comment_202900

Thank you. I'll try that.

Mike515

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202709#Comment_202709

Thanks. I'll try to take for an activity to see how she likes it.

CaliforniaGirl-1

If you are not already PofA, see if you can still get those forms drawn up. Also her healthcare proxy. If she is too far gone that a reputable attorney won't do it then you may have to the conservatorship route.

Until you have PofA or conservatorship, your ability to act for her may be more limited than you would like, if she isn't cooperating.

Mike515

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203480#Comment_203480

Thanks for that. I did just find out that I am already the POA. Thank god. This makes things so much easier.

Mike515

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68592/loved-one-not-wanting-to-go-to-a-home

Thanks everyone for the valuable info. I just found out that she did sign me as the POA years ago. This will make the process easier, especially knowing I can put her in a good facility now.

M1

Yes that's very good news Mike. Keep us posted.

sknats

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203513#Comment_203513

From experience, a POA document from years ago might not be valid in certain instances (i.e. getting added or access to a bank account to pay for her care/needs) as laws can change. Also, make sure you are listed as the first POA designee and someone else is named that you both trust as well in case the unthinkable happens to you. Good luck!!

Smilescountry

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203704#Comment_203704

Yes, that is true. As I mentioned earlier, my dad could not agree to changes to his will, POA, or HCR, so we had to do some things to make everything work. I would suggest reading the POA and HCR papers carefully because the facilities and banks have to go along with those. Make sure that your own Social Security number is not on the paper because they used to do that years ago. The papers might not be written in such a way that you can automatically assume your role, so you might need a letter from the doctor saying that your grandmother is not capable of making legal, financial, or health decisions and will not be getting any better. FYI—Make sure that the letter is on official letterhead, is signed by the doctor and that it includes a date! Make paper or digital copies and have them handy wherever you go to do legal and financial work. Another document that works is a form from the SSA that says the same thing. A doctor has to fill it out, there has to be an interview with the SSA, and they have to talk to your grandmother. Those two documents—the doctor's letter and the SSA form—have been a lifesaver to me many times because of the age of my dad's will. Glad to hear that you have a plan to move forward!

Mike515

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

Mike515

That is very helpful. Thank you.