Conversations

Marvina11

Hello community! I’m needing help. So a little background, my mom is a retired nurse and I’m about to finish nursing school. During my clinicals I see some insane stuff and part of my nurse dreams included swapping stories with my mom. Sometimes the things I see are emotionally heavy as well. My mom has recently progressed to moderate cognitive decline and when I try to tell her my stories they’re almost too complicated and I can hear her feeling stressed or scared. Do I just stop telling her these stories? Do I find someone else to vent to? Maybe just focus on the good stories? The last thing I want to do is scare my mom. Please help me sort through this, feeling grateful for these resources!

harshedbuzz

@Marvina11

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

Since you posted on the long-distance caregiver board, I have to ask if you're calling mom to relate these stories or if you're doing so in person?

Sadly, I think your dreams of sharing your nursing related stories and vents is not going to be fulfilled. When you share something upsetting, she may be processing it in ways you might not anticipate. Perhaps she'll hear the story and feel she needs to act in some way to undo what happened-- sometimes PWD travel back in time mentally and she may feel a responsibility for what happened. She may even conflate the unpleasant stories as something that happened to her. For a time, dad came to believe he was the victim in all manner of crime drama storylines. He even co-opted my mom's TKR as his own experience and pointed to a scar to prove it. The scar was on his elbow, but I digress.

I would try to tell her happier things. Try not to be disappointed if she's not as engaged as you'd have hoped. Many PWD lose empathy for others along with all of the other losses.

Many PWD have trouble relating and concentrating to the disembodied voice on a phone, so that could be in play here as well.

HB

concerned_sister

Just a thought, would it be theraputic to write her letters with your stories that you know you'll never send? I'm sorry she's at a point she can't process and share your stories. But I have a hunch they are still stories worth telling.

mommyandme (m&m)

Hi and welcome! My mom was a RN too. I’m not a nurse but I do have my CNA license (I got it to care for her).

My mother was always one to listen to anyone’s problems and was very compassionate. Once when I was visiting, in stage 4 of her dementia, my son was having a dire issue at home. I was on the phone with husband, son and others to try to work on it with them. Mom apparently thought her needs/wants trumped all else and got upset that I was just simply ignoring her. Nope/not! I was quite annoyed and didn’t really get that she was slowly turning into the toddler like, self absorbed dementia patient. After we moved her, so I could care for her, it was painful to realize I wasn’t able to share, confide or trust in my sweet mommy any longer. Unfortunately, for your mom’s sake, you should seek support elsewhere IMO. This is likely one of the many dementia milestones that must be accepted and adjusted to on your dementia journey, so sorry to say.

My moms last assignment as a RN was in the county’s Disease Control. We moved her in June 2020, as Covid was all the scare. Oh my, over the next two years I so wished I could pick her brain on everything going on in the world with that. She had no idea about any of it and soon after her move the news was never even on because everything scared her. She thought it was all outside her door. I wished I could talk to her about so much, like I used to. Light hearted and sweet stories were called for moving forward.

Im so sorry your mom cannot be there for you with the hard parts as you move through your nursing education and career…heartbreaking. Thank you, by the way, for serving humanity as a nurse, we need you!

eaglemom

I find it very heartwarming that you want to share with your mom. However, you are seeing that she simply can not process everything you are sharing with her. To that end, the both of you are upset. Sadly, no your mom can not correctly process multiple steps you are likely trying to share with her.

This will be hard, but you need to change your dream of sharing with your mom. Perhaps if you change up the information you share to very very basic info & see how she responds. Something along the lines of - mom, I had a patient today who had a temp of 103,8. I think that's the highest temp I've ever seen. And leave it at that. Or - I saw a patient who stepped on a nail in his attic. Take it down to basic things for your mom. I realize that is not how you wanted your relationship to be, but this is how your mom can possibly share with you.

eagle