My mom accusing of us stealing

DianeIng

I was extremingly angry. Held it for a couple of days and got into a storm argument with my mom. I was outrageously angry at her today. How do I do it so I don’t take it personal? Same happens 3 years ago when she did that and I over come it. Now, it happened again.
Advise please

M1

Hi Diane. Welcome to the forum. This is actually extremely common and you're right, you cannot take it personally. You have to realize that what she's saying is coming from the disease, not herself, and you cannot and should not argue with her. Many of us have apologized for things that never happened; if you have to reply at all, try something like "I'm so sorry that happened" or "we'll make sure it doesn't happen again." Talk to her doctors about medications that might help.

DianeIng

I am actually very sad now. Not angry anymore. She will bring it up over again. Than say sorry again? And assure her that it won’t happen again? It is so hard to swallow my pride, my dignity. As I have cu down to care for her, this is what I have to over come heh?

SSHarkey

It’s so hard! I hate it as well! It’s personal! Especially since you’re knocking yourself out trying to care for her, and this is the response. Your head understands. But your heart hurts. Keep up the inner self talk. The truth that you know. Take a deep breath before you enter back into her space. Be prepared to be verbally assaulted, but stay the consummate, caring adult. Then go in the bathroom and regroup.

charley0419

Just remember this is not same person as you once knew. I know it’s hard to coop but to be honest not much of a choice. Illness sucks!!

DianeIng

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203066#Comment_203066

This is a blessing to join this forum. I understand that most caregivers go through all this painful experience. Because she is my mom and I love so much, and yet the words are from her that hurts me most. Thank for my family and siblings to lean on. Many may not even have another caregiver to share the burden. Thank you for your support.

I am practicing my meditation- of writing calligraphy that helps me calme down. Then I can stand up again and learn keep calme, mind set to deal with the situation. Let go of her judgement:). I will try again today.

harshedbuzz

@DianeIng

It's the disease talking-- the muttering of a brain that is organically diseased. Damaged. Actively decaying.

These feelings are her reality. Imagine the feelings she has to make these accusations for a moment.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

I struggled to accept this concept. I did not enjoy an easy relationship with my PWD and the scripts I was hearing were not new or even novel to me. But at the end of the day, having empathy for his side of the experience allowed me to grow as a compassionate caregiver.

Many here suggested apologizing for whatever transgression I was charged with. I thought they were nuts. But one afternoon while dad was excoriating me for costing him $360K by selling his house too cheaply, I apologized. TBH, I was hoping to goad him into behavior that would trigger an ER visit and stay in a geri-psych ward. To my amazement, he processed the apology and calmed down.

We had already added an antipsychotic medication to dial back these delusions that pained him, but it was the combination of that and the apology that gave him peace and allowed him to settle down.

I know how hard this is. Truly. But if you can't get to a place where you can manage to not be angry, you should delegate her care to others. If you happen to be a trigger for her, perhaps it would be a kindness to stay away from her for a time until this passes. She deserves a caregiver who isn't angry with her.

HB

DianeIng

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203093#Comment_203093

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203082#Comment_203082

yes, this sucks:)

I really think that she is not another person. I think she is a very negative person. She is aware of her surrounds. If I know she is 100% sick, then I may be able to handle her words better.

I will need to request the family doctor to refer a geriatric and request for a test to assess my mom.

How are you?

CindyBum

I'm so sorry, Diane. I share your frustrations and sometime lose it myself. I said as a sort of joke to my best friend when my DW started to decline cognitively, "I know she's losing her ability to think clearly, yet she's still doing all the stuff that annoyed me when she was doing fine, so all I see in those moments in my DW, not my DW with dementia."

It took me quite a while to really get it into my head and heart that there was no reason to battle over those things she'd do that aggravated, or even hurt, me in the past. No amount of talking or arguing is ever going to make a difference now. It is so hard to take in and hold onto that, but you do get better at it. Those old triggers for us don't just disappear, it takes pretty consistent work, at least it has for me, and then a switch turns on and I really accepted it. Even with that, I still embarrass myself with being impatient with my DW every now and again. Unfortunately, I'm only human, but I'm a human working on it.

Hang in there. You'll find your way.

harshedbuzz

@DianeIng said: I really think that she is not another person. I think she is a very negative person. She is aware of her surrounds. If I know she is 100% sick, then I may be able to handle her words better.

I will need to request the family doctor to refer a geriatric and request for a test to assess my mom.

Different people parse whether their LO is the same person or not. It can be confusing because a PWD will initially look and sound as they always have. Being oriented to time or place or recognizing family doesn't negate that fact that the brain is damaged and not functioning as it should.

Has your mom not been diagnosed? If she hasn't, you need to get her in to see her PCP as soon as possible to start the process and rule out conditions that mimic dementia but can be treated. I would write my concerns down and share these privately ahead of the appointment. You'd want bloodwork, imaging ordered and a quick screening with MMSE or MoCA-- based on the results of that, you might be referred to a geriatrician or neurologist for a comprehensive evaluation.

If I misunderstood you, and you're looking for a geriatric psychiatrist for medication management to help with her delusions and mood, you could call or even find one on your own.

HB

jfkoc

Please do get a diagnosis following correct protocol. She may have something that is treatable. She needs to be under medical care for proper management.

You will want to Google diagnosis in order to asssure it was done properly.

DianeIng

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203107#Comment_203107

You are absolutely correct about her deserving a caregiver/ place where she can live well. And that is why I took her in from my siblings. I know I can and I should calme down and learn to be more compassionate being in her shoes. Nothing is easy…. Thank you for being straight forward.

DianeIng

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203111#Comment_203111

Thank you HB, it is very helpful to know the terms and steps. Going to make notes before get those tests.