Going Home

NUMber2

So, my LO must move from her current IL/AL apartment. It's really not a terrible thing. She never really fit in- she's a quirky individual who does a great deal of complaining, has dementia and elderly needs to support. This apartment was always too independent for her... but we ALL gave it a try. It was a beautiful apartment at a great price, 7 minutes from my home. Ideal!

I live in WI and my LO moved from SC to be with me. She NEVER wanted to come to Wisconsin!!!

The constant responsibility of helping her so she "fits in" or so she isn't sad, or bored, had been overwhelming for me over these past 7 months. I can't continue to support her in this manner without getting myself sick. I need to step back. If I do that, she's really going to be alone here in WI ... she knows no one else. Then the real heavy guilt will creep in.

So, she asked if she could go back to SC and give it a try. She knows that being at home alone, with some support from inhome care, will not be enough. It could be enough if she could afford overnight support, but she can't. She understands that we need to find a suitable, affordable AL place down there so she's safe.

She wants to exhaust all of the possibilities , within reason. She wants to see what SC has to offer. She came straight to an IL/AL here in WI without trying to find someplace in SC. (A choice that had to be made- which state to try first)

I think maybe being back in SC around friends. familiar sites, my brother, the sunshine etc... might make her happier, she might be more successful, and our relationship might heal.

She wants to try it. I want her to try it. We're both scared, but she had to move from her current situation so I figured it was worth a try. Her friend commented on how messy this is but what her friend doesn't understand is that it's been messy since day 1. It's been messy since she left SC. It's messy when she calls me crying, complaining etc....

I am trying! I'm trying to survive this nightmare.

JeriLynn66

I don't mean to seem blunt or insensitive to your situation but am hoping the help work thru the details of this decision.

Is your brother going to accept the responsibility of care for Mom since he is her POA but as you report "wants nothing to do with her care"?

Who will help her choose an Assisted Living facility. It doesn't sound like she can make these decisions.

Since she was not successful in Independent Living and seems to have progressed further in her illness, as you describe, is Assisted Living the appropriate level of care as opposed to Memory Care?

Nothing about this is easy and I'm sorry you are dealing with such hurdles. Please keep us posted and good luck.

Anonymousjpl123

Kudos to you for caring for your mom and yourself. That’s always been my goal, as I know if you fall apart as a caregiver you are no good to your LO.

I think you should explore what facilities are in SC, and have a real talk with your brother about what level of care he can provide. Yes, it’s important for to have people she knows around her. But I as dementia progresses, being in a safe, affordable facility and having a LO to manage her day to day care are most important. Can your brother step up to do this?

Finally, does the facility she’s at have memory care? I ask because like so many others, my mom needed memory care soon after she moved to AL. She probably could have gone straight to memory care, but she still had enough cognitive reserve that it didn’t seem appropriate at the time. But I thank g-d every day that we chose a place that had MC because she did need it soon.

It’s really important to think about what your mom will need a year from now.

The only other thing to think about - and this is sad and terrible - is that it may become easier for her as her disease progresses. I absolute hate saying this, but that has happened to my mom. With each phase she has eventually become more comfortable and WHERE she was became less important. The constant complaining and crying about how much she hates where she is has subsided greatly. She is happier and more comfortable now that she feels safer in her surroundings. She has adapted and I think it’s because she really did need a higher level of care and more structure. I did, and sometimes still do, tell her before that if she really hates it she can absolutely move, and this has helped a lot to give her a sense of agency, even though of course I’m making all the decisions.

Truthfully, think about where she will be most comfortable as her care needs increase. And what is feasible for YOU.

I’d say if she’s in SC, your brother can check on her once a week, and she has a good facility, that’s fine. If she’s in WI, you can check on her once a week, that’s fine too. But most PWD ultimately need a higher level of care than AL.

My mom’s friends didnt get it either. One said “this is so confusing” and in my mind I’m like “what’s confusing, she has dementia!” They mean well. Tell her you would love to have her come for the day to help you.

The crying phone calls are awful. I’m so sorry. It sucks.

Emily 123

This sounds like a good idea. From what you've written before she definitely needs the support. As POA your brother can ask around locally to find her a suitable living situation that can support her current and future needs. He's made it clear about what level of oversight he can handle as well. Since she doesn't have the capacity to retain information she can't possibly make decisions about facilities, so that will make it easier to select one and have everything set up ahead of time for her.

I think you'll have success if you try to streamline the move so all that's needed is for her to get in a car or on a plane and walk over the threshold of her new room. Easiest and least disruptive thing is for you and brother is to handle all the decisions/packing/logisitics and keep her out of the activity and disruption. It will only make her uneasy and stressed--she's just not going to be able to handle a lot of new information coming at her.

You may very well find that once she's back in SC that she won't recall she was in WI, or if she can recall it, she may think she came for a visit. It might even be easier to treat the activity around the move as just getting her back home to SC after a visit than trying to remind her she moved to WI---so much less stressful for her, and by extension, you :)

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m one of those that thought keeping her near you might be best. You’ve been there, done that… you making plans to move her back sounds like you’re making the difficult but likely best decision for both of you. It’s such a relief to feel the next decision made is around the corner, even an enormous task such as moving your LO across state lines.

I agree that finding an AL with a MC attached so she can age in place is a wise decision. I hope your brother will come to support you both. My brother clearly said he couldn’t handle caring for my mom yet he was there for us in many ways other than her practical care. It’s good when we can accept and express our own boundaries.

Im so sorry for your struggles and pain. This is all enormously difficult. I hope you will be able to feel some relief soon even as you battle through this treacherous path.