Behavioral issues and memory care

rdcap98

Hi! I’d love some advice on the following situation. I live 3 states away from my dad who’s been in assisted living for about a year. My sister is close by and manages most of the situation. Recently my dad started acting out and telling delusional stories. After he walked out of the facility through an emergency door because he was angry at one of the nurses and because the story he told about it was so fantastical, he was admitted to the psychiatric unit of the local hospital. He seemed to have made good progress and we made the decision to move him into memory care. He lasted a week before his agitation caused us to have to move him back to the hospital and I took over as the main contact because my sister’s mental health is in danger. So right now he’s at the hospital and doing ok (still telling fantastical stories, but less agitated). When I talk to him (on the phone is my only option right now), he is adamant in his refusal to go back to his AL facility. This is all based on his dislike of the male nurse at the facility over some perceived slight. I don’t know if I can get him into another facility right away, but I can’t continue this cycle. I’m even looking to see if there is room at a facility in my state (which my sister and her family will hate, but she needs a break - he’s so abusive verbally to her (which I only recently found out). If we have no option but to send him back to his current facility while we find a new one, what questions/demands can I make of the current facility to get us all in a better place? Is it beyond the pale to ask that interaction with the male nurse be limited? Is it wrong to even consider moving him? He’s not going to love anywhere and he’s in the nicest facility in the area. I certainly can’t reason with him, but can I tell him these things? Sorry this is so long but any advice others have would be greatly appreciated.

harshedbuzz

@rdcap98

Hi and welcome.

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

This does sound like a challenging situation all around. My immediate thought is that if he's still stuck on whatever slight related to the male nurse, his meds maybe aren't as well adjusted as they should be before discharge.

What you are asking of the facility may or may not be possible. If this man is a nurse, it's possible he's the only one on that shift and avoiding dad may not be possible. Dad's MCF had a single nurse on the roster during 2nd and 3rd shifts during the week and one on all shifts on weekends. If he's actually an aide, he may be routinely assigned to your dad because of his tendency towards aggression or simply if dad is a big guy. Sometimes the bigger, more intimidating-sized aides are assigned difficult patients because that can prevent acting out or protect smaller and presumably weaker women in the same role.

If this is the best place, I'd try to make it work. He's likely to bring his delusional through process along with him on any move, so you'll likely be dealing with similar issues in a new place.

I would talk to the DON and ask for their input. IME, people are more likely to follow through on a plan they created or in which they contributed.

HB