Care facility

ClarissaJay

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 4-5 years ago. This disease killed my father who could not understand what was happening to her and did not have the skills to manage his own emotions. After dad died, we had the home health agency give us a. 24/7 caregiver as a “temporary” solution until we could figure something out.

13 months later, mom is still at home. I live 2 hours away and am able to see her fairly frequently, and I see her decline. My sister who lives in the same town, recently had a surgery that will require at lest 6 weeks recovery (surgery was to remove a lipoma sarcoma). The Friday before her Monday surgery, the care home called and had a room available (it was the 4th room in 8 months). I said yes to the room and used my money to secure it.

My sister absolutely lost it and insists on keeping mom at home until she doesn’t know where she is and doesn’t recognize anyone. Mom spends most of the day asleep or sitting in front of the TV just staring at it, not engaging at all.

Mom has said in the past she never wanted to go to nursing him and my sister thinks if she goes it will kill her.

I think mom will benefit being in the environment. When we got on the waiting list, mom is allowed to go to activities at the home and she does enjoy the activities. I would like to move mom gradually, let her meet some of her neighbors rather than her sitting at home with a caregiver all day. I can not make my sister see how it can be beneficial, she thinks it will kill her.

Anyone else have a situation like this and have some advice?

Thank you

M1

Welcome to the forum. Who has power of attorney for your mother? Ultimately, the decision rests with that person. It's nice when there can be sibling consensus, but that is not always the case. Sounds to me like it's the right decision to move her.

Anonymousjpl123

Absolutely sounds like the right decision. I was someone who really resisted memory care for my mother, only to have to move her 9 months after she went to assisted living. It is very common for family members to over-estimate their loved ones’ capacity to live alone or without extra services.

Im not sure who has POA and that is important, especially for decision-making. The other factor is that it sounds like she is unsafe to live alone. I hate to say this, but if worst comes to worst someone can report her to adult protective services anonymously. It sounds so harsh, but can be a real help. I lived 6 hours away from my mom, and had 2 people not done that in her building we would never have known how bad things had gotten. It’s a way of getting others involved - of course a last resort, but one worth knowing.

I would also have some serious conversations with your sister. Keep talking if you can. After her surgery, she may be in a better place to objectively think about your mom. I’m so sorry you’re going through so much right now. There’s never a good time.

ClarissaJay

Thank you for your responses. It makes me feel less crazy. There are 4 of us, and we all have POA.

I called the care home and told them I can’t convince my sisters this is the right thing to do, two of the sisters aren’t speaking to me. I felt so rotten about having a room we’re not going to use when someone else wants it and will use it.

I guess I was seeking reassurance I did the right thing. Thanks again for your time, I appreciate it.

Anonymousjpl123

You absolutely did. And I’m sure the care facility appreciated you communicating. Now you have a starting point for when they are ready to place her. I hate to say this - I truly do - but I feel like unless a family member can and/or must be home at all times with someone living with dementia, or can afford 24 hour care, it’s just too hard to do alone. I hope your sisters will help with checking on her. And I would also look into getting finances in place. I find that events have a way of forcing the hand on these decisions, then it’s a rush. It’s good you are starting now.