Compartmentalizing - avoiding my own behavior changes

dancsfo

I think this is about compartmentalizing. Let me know if the following makes sense,

1. My caretaking behavior is starting to leak into my interactions with non PWDs.
2. For example, some of my "conversation" w/ PWD is just repeating what they say. "Yes, it's sunny today". Or it can be agreeing with nonsense statements, or answering with fiblets.
3. I am often "on-edge", listening for faucets left running or stove burners left on, putting things away that can cause problems (can't leave TV remote on table, since PWD will think it's a phone; stowing away anything dangerous to use or ingest).
4. Gradually my interactions with non-PWD is starting to become similar. Since doing the things above results in avoiding explosive anger, arguments, harm, problems, etc., perhaps I am gradually being "reinforced" for doing that (using a term from behavior modification/science)

My question is: Since much of my time is caretaking, and with what little time I have outside, I don't want to see myself slip into constant unintentional caretaking mode, even with non-PWDs. It's a bit selfish but it was possible to keep my "9am-5pm work "self" separated from personal life before, but it's hard to separate my caretaker self from my normal self.

Oddly, I think I have separated interacting with children or toddlers, since they're obviously kids. (One doesn't use baby talk with other adults) With a PWD, it's an adult, so it's harder to separate it in my mind.

Hints on this forum on compartmentalizing recommended treating it as a job. So a PWD is like caretaking a Patient with Dementia, as opposed to a person with dementia (a LO) I guess this is a bit cold too, but some people do that.

Anyone else found themselves changing like this, and found a way to keep your "old self" when interacting with non-PWDs?

AlzWife2023

Interesting question. Your post is more of a wake-up call for me. It’s hard to find my old self since I’m caring for my partner. I’ve changed with him. I’d say I’ve degraded. Also, I barely interact with anyone else except my adult kids and people who work in doctors’ offices.

Treating caretaking like a job, which it is, makes sense for preserving some sanity. Today I redirected DH as he was “cleaning the kitchen” but actually shoveling ice outside without a coat. I led him into the warm bedroom to watch soccer on TV for 4 hours. He was happy as a clam. I kept the door shut “to keep the heat in” and I did my own thing in the LR & kitchen which were mostly chores but at least I was unbothered, felt like I was alone.

I started to feel human again.

Don’t think I answered your question. Compartmentalizing is not something I ever did before, but I guess I’m doing it now, at least physically 😭

dancsfo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203521#Comment_203521

I can empathize. I sometimes try to lose myself in a book, since it's a bit like listening to a non-PWD and makes me feel a bit more normal again. Sometimes when you read a good book, you can have a conversation with yourself about it, and that's like talking normally again. But it's not ideal, if it takes my attention away for caregiving. I agree that doing things alone and unbothered, even if it's a chore like vacuuming, almost feels joyful.

GothicGremlin

I always found it hard to compartmentalize, even though usually I'm pretty good at it. I think it's difficult because care giving is so emotional/personal. I found that I really had to hold myself back from talking about it all the time. But if you look at care giving as a job, it's what we do. And people always talk about their jobs. Still, no one really wants to know, so I'd work hard to not talk about it.

In order to compensate for not talking about care giving or Peggy's condition, the two things that really helped (for me) are going to goth clubs (easier to do once Peggy was in memory care), and going to the gym (again, easier to do once she was in memory care). Moving around, working out and dancing was not only good for my body, but also good for my mind. I used those two activities to shut my mind off - a little mini-vacation for my brain.

I never found a way to deal with that "on-edge" feeling. I always thought of it as being "on-call" or "on-duty", and I just was. That feeling didn't stop until after Peggy passed away, I'm afraid. 🙁 I didn't realize how strong that "on-call" feeling was until I'd had about a week of unworried sleep.

dancsfo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203602#Comment_203602

@GothicGremlin Thank you for the thoughts. I agree that going elsewhere for a mini-vacation (or maybe using a respite service) is useful, until one uses a memory care facility. Maybe what I'm complaining about is basically unavoidable. But maybe I can schedule a few minutes here and there to get some release.

I'll experiment with different things and will report it here if it works for me. The idea by @AlzWife2023 to redirect maybe something I ought to look at more. TV is an easy (and lazy) solution, but maybe there are other things I can explore.

sandwichone123

I was on a work trip and spending time with two other professionals. The first night I noticed myself helping them with their orders. I explained to them that I normally dine with my dh who doesn't understand the menu or ordering, or my Dad who can't hear the waiter, so if I "help" them they're welcome to remind me to stand down.

housefinch

This post made me laugh quietly to myself as I recognized these issues in myself. I’m not caregiving for PWD currently but have a child with disabilities and accidentally told someone doing work on our house recently to watch his step on our patio steps. I realized how ridiculous that sounded (they’re not hazardous) and explained I have a child with zero safety sense, who doesn’t look where she’s going, and has broken both arms in a year from falling doing everyday activities. Luckily the workmen smiled and were very understanding!!!

dancsfo

Perhaps @sandwichone123 and @housefinch has an insight on my concerns I did not realize: I either did not want to offend someone (a non-PWD) or that I may embarrass myself by treating a non-PWD like a PWD. As long as people understand, I think we can laugh it away or just apologize.

As for losing my old self, that's still a valid concern for me, and I hope I can find it again, or find a way to compartmentalize, either physically or in my mind.

harshedbuzz

LOL, @housefinch

I tend to subject other adults to Social Stories which is something my family refers to as momsplaining.

HB

harshedbuzz

@dancsfo

I have reframed being my non-caregiving self regularly as a kind of respite I give to myself.

That's not to say that it's always easy or that I don't generally feel like the other shoe is about to drop momentarily when I'm off-the-clock. And it doesn't mean that sometimes finding my mojo doesn't feel like yest another thing on my to-do list, but I work at not letting the situation define me. I'm not perfect— see above post— but recognizing I have a right to take a break is half the battle.

HB

dancsfo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203712#Comment_203712

@harshedbuzz I see your logic. We need to take care of ourselves to preserve or retain our true selves, and we need to set time aside for that, and if we are fortunate enough, arrange for external respite care services or some other backup. If we don't do that, we get overwhelmed with the 24 hours x 7 days a week attention that caregiving may require. I think you have a very balanced view in acknowledging the right the take a break.

Thus my complaint about becoming unlike my old self is just an effect of caregiving. The main thing to do is to give yourself some rest. There really isn't any magic trick to preserving my old self, such as pretending to be a health professional on duty: instead, one just needs a break.