What can you really do for someone long distance?

elainechem

My brother lives a six hour drive from me. He lives alone and has no family in the city where he lives. I am his closest relative. He has had short term memory problems since he had radiation therapy for oral cancer in 2014. According to his daughter, who lives in Florida, his memory is getting worse. He won't talk to a doctor about it. He believes that he is managing just fine. He is the ONLY one who believes that. I talked to an attorney in his city. He said that we don't have enough evidence to sue for guardianship. How do you get evidence when he won't see a doctor?

BGoodman57

I don't have any advice for you, unfortunately. I'm having a similar experience with my Mom, too, and just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's really hard.

patricia j g

> @elainechem said:
> My brother lives a six hour drive from me. He lives alone and has no family in the city where he lives. I am his closest relative. He has had short term memory problems since he had radiation therapy for oral cancer in 2014. According to his daughter, who lives in Florida, his memory is getting worse. He won't talk to a doctor about it. He believes that he is managing just fine. He is the ONLY one who believes that. I talked to an attorney in his city. He said that we don't have enough evidence to sue for guardianship. How do you get evidence when he won't see a doctor?

This is how I got help for my friend who lives in another city:
If your brother will see his primary care physician for his annual check up, you can call ahead and explain the situation. Simply ASK his physician's staff to make a note in your brother's file for a memory screening when your brother comes in because you have concerns. Make it clear you understand the HIPPA law and do NOT expect the physician or staff to talk to you or report ANYTHING unless he signs a release. If his physician sees a problem (sometimes they can even without the screening) then THE PHYSICIAN will talk to him about it and refer him to a specialist. A medical opinion from his trusted physician can be a huge help because it's private and doesn't embarrass him in front of others. He may then be willing to talk to you or someone else, especially if he goes to the specialist or understands he may need help in the future. Hope this is helpful.

elainechem

Thanks for your comments. I have called his PCP's office twice so far - once in December and about a week ago. I'm not sure when he will see his doctor again. The way my brother is, I doubt if he would even see a neurologist if his doctor refers him. My brother has this belief that any diagnosis pertaining to the brain or mental health is a moral failing and he will reject it. What can I say? He's weird like that. I plan to visit him next month. Maybe I can coerce him into signing a HIPAA release or something. That would be a start.

H1235

In addition to the hipaa I would also try for a durable power of attorney. That might be even more difficult. Maybe wording as we are getting older and it’s just a good thing to have on hand, or I just did one just in case my kids need it. The best way to do it would be a visit to an elder law attorney. I’m guessing the chances of that are not good. You might be able to find some kind of generic form online. I think you will need it notarized (not sure). If this doesn’t work I would go for a visit and maybe get a little nosey. Is there a stack of past due bills, is the refrigerator full of expired food, are there unexplained scratches on his car. Ask him to drive when you go out to eat, to see how he is doing. People with dementia often have anosognosia. They are not able to see their own symptoms. This makes things very difficult. Could you talk to neighbors or his friends. But that could be tricky, they might rat you out. These things would at least give you a better idea where he is at and how concerned you need to be. If you think he is just not safe at home anymore, you could call adult protective services. I don’t have much experience there but it’s something you could look into more.

eaglemom

I just had a thought - the patient portal. Most doctors offices have on line patient portals. If you could somehow get your brother to set one up while you are visiting, then you would have access to it. That way you'd at least see medical records, prescriptions, etc.

Maybe he'd even let your name be put on it.

eagle

kdfdmeg

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68695/what-can-you-really-do-for-someone-long-distance

I HAVE THE EXACT SAME PROBLEM WITH MY SISTER WHO LIVES ALONE ABOUT 45min from me. She refuses to think anything at all is wrong with her and refuses to go to any doctor. How can you help someone like this? I am so stressed about this because she needs help.

elainechem

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208488#Comment_208488

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208488#Comment_208488

Does she have a diagnosis? If so, find a certified elder law attorney in her area and ask them about pursuing guardianship. If she's like my brother and refuses to see a doctor, then you just have to wait for something bad to happen before you can take control.

Skoerner026

My brother lives in Texas and I live in South Carolina. He is in assisted-living for now. I have his medical power of attorney. He has been in assisted-living since December. I visit him once a month and talk to him every day. He knows he has severe memory loss. He says his brain is fried. I am looking to hire a companion who would visit him twice a week. His conduct can be inappropriate times. My question is: Should I have the person I hire sign a form stating that they will not hold him accountable if he does or says something inappropriate?

elainechem

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211019#Comment_211019

It seems to me that, when one has a neurodegenerative disease, inappropriate behavior is to be expected. A good caregiver should be trained in ways to deal with this. And what are they going to do? Sue your brother? He is, by definition, mentally incompetent.