Driving saga continues…a long vent sorry

LaneyG

I finally came up with a plan to turnover the RMV letter to my husband. Generally it went pretty well. He was very very upset. Said he did nothing wrong. He didn’t. Said he has a great driving record. He does. Then started asking who would do such an awful thing to him as he did nothing to deserve it. I just kept empathizing while reminding him that he didn’t do anything wrong and no one said he did do anything wrong. It was a matter of keeping him safe. I explained it was due to a medical condition and of course he said nothing was wrong with him. On a positive note, at least for now, he says he can’t drive because his license was suspended. Here’s where things are messy. The letter said he could request a hearing to dispute the suspension. Of course he insisted on setting up a hearing…ugh.. I felt I had no choice and did it fearing a major rampage if I didn’t. And he has a right to stand up for himself. Figured he would lose and hopefully that would be the end of it. But then he started on wanting to hire an attorney. Hoping it would appease him, I placed a call and learned that only way he would win is if he got his doctor to fill out a form saying he was well enough to drive. I said I doubted we would be able to accomplish that. He said he wanted a different lawyer. This was a twice daily discussion for a couple of weeks. Oddly he hasn’t mentioned this in about a week now. Not sure if he suddenly forgot, or is assuming I’ll take care of everything. He hasn’t asked to drive. Hearing is in 2 weeks. Do I dare hope that he has moved on from this battle and forget about the hearing? If it does come up again, I think I’m going to need to be tough and deal with the anger and devastation when he loses. Saying prayers that this issue may soon be behind me. That is until he forgets that all this ever happened. Thanks for listening.

JDancer

I would resort to fiblets. Cancel the hearing, If he asks about it, you're waiting to hear from the lawyer, or it's scheduled for next month, etc. You're trying to reason with a person who's reasoner is broken. You know he shouldn't drive and you're doing the right thing by not letting him.

LJCHR

I agree with JDancer- fiblets. I know it’s hard to go against their wishes and it is instilled in us to collaborate with our spouses, but reality has to come back and we have to sadly remember they are ill and their brains don’t function normally. Best of luck to you, it’s very hard. Hopefully he will forget.

SSHarkey

Absolutely agree! Cancel the hearing! When he asks about it, just say it’s been postponed, or something. Let him go long enough that he forgets it all. He’s obviously at a stage where you should no longer feel obligated to do his bidding. Especially when it creates havoc. You’re his caretaker and the choices now are yours.

trottingalong

I concur. Cancel the hearing.

M1

Me too. Cancel it and don't bring it up. If he asks, say it had to be rescheduled and you're waiting on a call back.

it's very hard to stop doing what your spouse asks you to do. What you might have done differently here was to say you had requested a hearing but had to leave a message and were waiting on a call back, or something to that effect. it's occasionally bothersome that lying becomes such a routine activity. It signals a huge change in the relationship, but you have to remember that you are doing it for compassionate reasons. But it does mean that you no longer have the partner you used to have, and that is quite sad.

harshedbuzz

In your shoes, I would cancel the hearing a few days before if he seems to have moved on. If he recalls it later, kick the can down the road with a postponement. Rinse and repeat.

Dad was very stuck on driving. His neurologist told him couldn't. Dad always showtimed at his geripsych's office, so I wasn't surprised when the geripsych suggested he get evaluated by a specially trained OT affiliated with a rehab hospital in town.

I thought this was a terrible idea, but I agreed I would take dad if he made the arrangements which, of course, he was too impaired to do.

HB

jsps139_

Tough tough times for both of you. That driving thing is the worst! For my DH - it comes and goes for the last 10 years, and I hate when it returns unexpectedly. But, he does get over it after a few miserable days.

sandwichone123

When my dh was at that stage I was totally supportive, but not offer to help with anything. Yes, you have a right to a hearing. Yes you have a right to a lawyer. Yes, you're having trouble finding a lawyer, I hope you're able to find one. You found a lawyer that hung up on you. I'm so sorry to hear that—you probably didn't want that lawyer anyway. Things petered out pretty quickly.

CindyBum

I feel so fortunate that my DW got scared when she drove to the grocery store, then struggled to figure out how to back the car out of the parking spot and never wanted to drive again after that.

If she were still pushing me, I'd definitely be going with the "hearing has been rescheduled" and other fiblets.