Competency

H1235

Is there some kind of form or letter I can ask my lo’s doctor to fill out regarding competency? I am the DPOA and my brother wants mom to continue to make decisions she is not capable of making. I can’t do things unless I cream it with mom first. I think maybe something like this might help my brother see reason and avoid a fight. I also would like to be able to stop him from having mom change the DPOA to him. I don’t think he would do that, but you never know. It’s been over a year of talking about our options for mom. I have printed out stacks of papers and highlighted things, made notes in the margins. About how Medicaid works, mom’s finances, Al costs, when money will run out etc. But he still doesn’t understand the difference between Medicare and Medicaid. He told me the other day we have no right to go through moms house when she goes to assisted living. I have no idea what he thinks is going to happen if the house need to be sold. I know I have DPOA, but it’s hard enough fighting mom on all of this I really don’t want to fight him also.

psg712

I don't know if it varies from state to state. My mom's doctor wrote a letter stating that she has Alzheimers dementia and that her POA should be "activated" (even though it was durable and did not require certification of incompetence). This letter came in handy in a number of situations.

harshedbuzz

@Chug

If he takes mom to a lawyer and that persons deems her competent to sign, she could have a new POA made. The bar is fairly low.

Legally, the letter might not make a difference. Has he attended appointments and talked to mom's doctors about whether she's capable of decision making? Alternately, could a lawyer talk reality to him. Is he open to education around best practices for caregiving decisions?

This is how dementia causes families implode. I'm sorry.
HB

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/204169#Comment_204169

Thanks. That is what I will try to do.

M1

you know, it's sad, and it may feel passive aggressive, but you really aren't obligated to discuss things with him—or with your mother. You should probably be using fiblets with your mom anyway. But I agree you don't want him going behind your back to get the POA changed.

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/204173#Comment_204173

I have insisted he attend the next appointment with the neurologist (just a follow up, how are things going). No he is not interested in educating himself. I managed to get him to a short workshop, but he just insists mom is not to that point yet ( fiblets, doing things without telling her…) The problem is she lives with him. I think if the doctor says it’s time for Al he will listen. If the doctor gives me something or tells us mom is not able to make decisions for herself, I think that might help. But he often insists on her making even small decisions that she doesn’t even know need to be made. But when he tells her she needs to make the decision she gets upset says “I know” or “I don’t want to do that now”. ( an example might be if she needs a new shower curtain for AL apartment)) He continues to push her over several days making her more upset every time. He claims it’s a simple decision we need to let her do it. This is just a nightmare.

psg712

If he could only see that even the simple decisions are difficult and stressful for her … then perhaps would he realize that choosing and putting up a shower curtain himself would be kinder than hounding her for days to decide on one? If he wants to let her do it, then he could mention it once and leave it in her court. When nothing gets done, it shows that she is not capable of following through. I know, if only it were that easy ...