I’m totally stressed out

Quilting brings calm

Arrgggghhh! Another almost sleepless night. The guilt, the anger, the hopelessness of things ever calming down…And, yes, I know it’s still early in our journey compared to everyone else

1. still trying to settle son’s estate. All that’s left is giving figures to the estate tax attorney and then notifying the court that we are done. But I haven’t had time to do that yet. We set the end of the estate tax year as March 31 not Dec 31.
   
2. Handling step-Dad’s estate - as best I can. It’s going to be a very small estate affidavit since most of the little they had was owned jointly. Will says it all goes to mom. Can’t do anything for 60 days due to the terms of the joint will. There is that checking account that he opened by emptying their joint account ( some of you remember that). There was a safe deposit box that he opened with his daughter when they were on speaking terms a couple years ago. She went to the bank and closed it and took everything - despite the lawyer stating that the contents went to mom per the will. Lawyer and I decided it would cost more to fight it than it’s worth. My step-siblings keep implying they are owed more.
3. Trying to get his pension moved to her - I’ve been told it will take a couple months. Meanwhile I can’t access his checking account, so she’s only got access to enough cash to pay a few months of the AL right now, and only half her expected monthly income coming in.
4. Trying to get all the various bills set up properly in her name, etc.
5. We got her moved to a one bedroom unit in the same building to reduce her expenses. That was exhausting and time consuming
6. My spouse feels that whenever we are home, we should be together in the family room binge watching Netflix. I can’t get any time to myself to even get chores done. YES - I know he seems needy, it’s his vision issues and He’s still reeling from the loss of our son almost a year ago.
   
7. And if all that wasn’t enough, Mom has a pulmonologist due to scarring in her lungs. An annual CT scan was done earlier this week. I read the scan results on the patient portal last night. First there is all sorts of stuff going on with her lungs. But in addition, the radiologist saw a compressed fracture of the T7 vertebrae that wasn’t on a December scan. ( the fall where she fractured four ribs). It must be from the January fall - but a January X-ray didn’t show it. Now I have to call her PCP and find out - do I do anything about it 3 months later? She seems ok physically now. Walking, going to physical therapy ( other issues), not complaining of pain.
   
   In addition, we are supposed to be going to the cemetery office today to discuss a marker for our son.

SusanB-dil

uuughhh! @Quilting brings calm ((HUGS)) So very much to deal with. And no doubt you are still reeling from your loss as well. just dang!

Somehow, some way - you need some time for you… asap. Any way you could go to a local park with a book for even an hour?

Jeanne C.

You have so much on your plate. I agree that you need some downtime. But, if you're anything like me, you also just want to get things handled. Put yourself first for a bit. Tell any steps who want to complain that they can speak to your lawyer. Hang in there. Sending you strength.

M1

sorry it's so stressful. Maybe I can help with one thing—Generally you wouldn't do anything about a vertebral compression fracture that is not causing symptoms. She probably has osteoporosis or at least osteopenia, you want to make sure she's getting enough calcium and vitamin D. There are other meds she could take, but they tend to have lots of side effects. Given everything else she's got going on, might not be worth it.

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m so sorry for your overwhelming situation and your losses. I hope you can find some rest and peace for yourself soon.

My L1 & L2 spine had compression fractures about 4-5 years ago. Nothing they could do about it. It hurt for awhile, can still feel some sensitivity sometimes… otherwise I function normally. I hope your mom won’t need any other treatment too.

JeriLynn66

QBC, just bless your dear heart. That's so much, especially in grieving your son while dealing with everything else. I'm so sorry and wish there was more that we could do. But, we're here to listen and care and send you the biggest hugs. And, we do. 💓

Quilting brings calm

@M1 - that’s exactly what the PCP said. It’s been almost 3 months, she’s not in pain, so nothing is needed. He also says that these unknown fractures often show up in scans of elderly people.
She’s definitely got osteoporosis- this is not her first or second rodeo with vertabrae fractures.

We got the marker discussed today too. Getting that done helped

jfkoc

How could you not be overwhelmed with all of that to do. I would be tempted to pull the covers up over my head.

Maybe a list that you can strike things through when done would be a visual help.

Please do keep us apprised as to how you are doing.

concerned_sister

Oh my, so much on your plate. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this, and all at once.

housefinch

I’m not saying this is a good coping mechanism, but Easter candy is on sale. Cadbury mini-eggs won’t be here for another year! I’ve been known to have a secret stash at home for days like you’re describing. I figured it’s better than a hidden stash of many other vices. Hugs to you 💕

Quilting brings calm

@housefinch Reese’s miniature cups party size bags have a permanent drawer in my sewing room

@jfkoc - definitely using checklists. There’s a main one and then post it notes on our front door for the next day’s tasks

the @ sign won’t work all of a sudden- but Susan I am sneaking away to restaurants to read when I’m out running errands.

mommyandme - I’ve had compressed fractures of both the T1 and the L3. The L3 still gives me aches and pains if I overexert myself. Especially if I bend over way too many times

H1235

I think I can safely say 2022 was the worst year of my life. I will spare you the details. I look back and I don’t know how I ever made it through. I had some pretty bad days and I know I made some wrong decisions, but I did the best I could. Maybe I’m stronger than I realized. You will get through this very difficult time too. Be strong!

harshedbuzz

Hugs to you @Quilting brings calm That's a whole lot on one mere mortal's shoulders. Vent away. In all this I can't help feeling like you haven't had the space to process the loss of your DS.

FWIW, I have been having issues tagging folks after the first individual. It's frustrating as that was a great feature of the new format.

"F" your stepsibs and the horses they rode in on. Especially the safe deposit box sister. Who does that? Did she alert the bank to her dad's demise as required by law in most places?

I hear you on being torn between your DH and DM who each bring legitimate needs to the party. It's such a balancing act right now. My DH is pretty good about the time I spend helping my mom but he can sometimes be irked by her tendency to consume all my emotional energy. And she doesn't even have dementia.

I have nothing but sympathy for your DH and his vision issues. I have a friend whose DH was losing his site to a rare condition similar to AMD in his late 40s. His career wasn't one that would be adaptable for low vision, and he lived with such a sense of urgency and intensity it made life hard for all those around him. Mom's vision is an issue and I feel it means she needs more attention than she would otherwise. Your DH, too, especially in the context of the loss of your DS. When my sister died, mom got all kinds of support and check-ins and she just powered through. It nearly destroyed dad. His grieving and depression looked like anger and irritation and he lost what support he did have.

I agree with @M1 (ooh 2nd tag in a single post!) on the compression fracture. Mom's had a number of these. A couple were the result of an attack by a neighbor's dog (cocker spaniel companion of a PWD who'd gone walk-about on their golf course— she came to alert the husband and the dog came for her). But she's had several since with no apparent cause. The woman started out 5'2 1/2" and is now not quite 4'11".

Have you thought ahead to taking a more palliative approach to testing and care for your mom? I know she's in fairly early stages, but it might make sense to start to think about how you might want to approach this as she both ages and progresses in the disease.

Hugs-
HB

Quilting brings calm

@harshedbuzz

The step-sister did notify the bank-this is how I know: . She waited an hour after calling them and then called me to request his death certificate ‘because she’d just like to have one’. What she didn’t know was that I took her call while standing on the sidewalk at that bank having just been told that she’d called and they had told her they needed a death certificate for her to access the box. I didn’t have a death certificate yet, and I didn’t have a chance to give her one before she closed the box. So she must have gotten it from the state. I will admit that I have no idea what he told her when he opened the box with her. She may have thought it was supposed to be hers- but then why was his name on it in the first place? He never told us he was giving anything to her. She didn’t offer up any explanation either- she ducked my calls after that call.

Mom’s got a wellness visit with her PCP this week. She’s already signed a DNR, and says she doesn’t want invasive procedures. I will talk to him about care. However I don’t think there’s much we can eliminate. Her right eye is her good eye, and it’s got wet macular degeneration- so she needs those shots to see. She sees a neuropathy specialist to get her gabapentin. She sees a psych resident to get her sertraline and mirtrazipine for anxiety and depression. I think we need to keep them on board in case she needs anti-psychotics later. She’s got a memory NP, and a pulmonologist. I think the pulmonologist will be putting her on oxygen soon as a result of this CT scan -NSIP is worsening, etc. That would be for her comfort.
Her back has been a mess for decades between arthritis and the osteoporosis. Several fractures, and even some cement in there. I need to keep her vertabrae in good enough shape so she’s not wheelchair bound sooner than necessary. That’s for everyone’s comfort. I have trouble pushing a wheelchair with her in it.

When I get through the current estate executor functions, that will help. I have a hard time psyching myself up for those particular calls and errands.

I’d like a few years between being a caregiver for my parents and ending up being even more involved in caregiving for my spouse - which I know is coming. Just a question of how soon.

Iris L.

(((((( QBC ))))))

harshedbuzz

@Quilting brings calm

I understand. That's very like where I am right down to the AMD injections.

It might not be appropriate at this time, but down the road, do you think the PCP could pick up some of the responsibilities of the other specialist NPs?

I would prioritize the ophthalmologist and pulmo, too. But it seems, the PCP could take over prescribing those antidepressants until you need a specialist and the gabapentin as well. What does the neurology NP bring to the party? We got to a point a year after dad's diagnosis where we realized the big gun memory center had nothing to offer aside from a comprehensive diagnosis and were dropping those check-ins.

Mom also has the dreaded osteoporosis and arthritis combo plus stenosis and significant scoliosis. There's not a lot you can do proactively at this point besides mitigating fall risks and osteoporosis meds which can be managed by a PCP. The PCP could refer if she needs a procedure down the road.

I know how you feel about watching this play out in slow motion. My mom was younger when I was born, and I married a man 10 years my senior— mom and DH are closer in age than DH and I are. I feel like I went from full time advocating for DS, to the logistics of dad's care, to now mom's care (more logistically and mentally) with DH at home like a ticking timebomb. He's got some significant cardiac issues which are in good control, but progressive. And I know if anything happens to DH, DS will come unglued. And somewhere in there I'd love to get my second knee done.

HB

GothicGremlin

When I get through the current estate executor functions, that will help. I have a hard time psyching myself up for those particular calls and errands.

I know that estate executor function stress well - and I feel you. It feels like just yesterday when I handled my dad's estate, even though it was in 2015. Now starting Peggy's …

Chocolate helps. So does venting. We're here for you.

ButterflyWings

(((QBC))) I agree your DH does not sound needy really. I think he possibly just wants his wife beside him, and you just want some time to "be"…and to hear yourself think, as my mom used to say.

I honestly don't know how you do so much. I think there is a special place for anyone who takes "love" to the level of action that you are doing for several LOs. You are amazing. I hope you can see that, and that you also do stop to just "breathe!" as often as you can. A cup of tea, those Reeses, sewing a mini-quilt block, etc,

Quilting brings calm

Doctors! The CT scan was done 4/2. I saw the results on the portal 4/4 and called the PCP on 4/5. As you know, we discussed the fracture. This afternoon 4/8, I signed onto the portal so I could copy the CT scan findings to my notes on my phone. The pulmonologist left a message on the portal today telling mom about the fracture, to call her PCP ASAP and then to call her office for a follow-up on the scan. A phone call to me would have been better ( yes, they have my number) . No they didn’t call me. Seems that an ASAP request should have rated a phone call. An annotation on the scan said mom didn’t accept phone calls. Well, duh, she’s 85 with dementia. She doesn’t answer the phone if she doesn’t recognize the number. She wouldn’t know what to do with a call like that anyway. That’s why I tell them to call me.

Mom already had scarring on her lungs, and mild fibrosis. The scan found additional scarring on her lungs - with a whole bunch of large words that basically come down to:

moderate pulmonary fibrosis which may be due to fibrotic hypersensitivity pneumonitis.  UIP with coincidental airways disease and air trapping is a consideration.  

She’s obviously getting worse based on the scans. I anticipate oxygen will be suggested at least part of the time.

Iris L.

My neurologist uses a portal. In fact, every telephone encounter involves leaving a message and they will get back to you in 24-48 hours. I decided to visit the front desk in person to ask my questions. Now they can put a face to my name. You probably don't have the time to drive in, but there should be a way you can make yourself stand out so they don't routinely call your mom who cannot respond.

Iris

ValsMom

I know these shoulders well. My advice would be to go somewhere 'by yourself' preferably by water, have a goooooddd cry, then take a deep breath. Now, with all the commitments that you have, list all of them on a sheet of paper. Now take a short walk to the water or your comfort spot, while forgetting about that list, take a deep breath and just stand there for a few minutes. Go back to the car, then with a clear mind, list your tasks by order of priority. It may help to break it down by what can be done on days of the week…such as making columns of the days…then list the task(s) under that day. Do this as many times as you may need to calm down your spirit. I have a roll of dry erase board that you can put anywhere and cut in any size. It helped/help me here at work with clients, while handling mom's affairs on a daily basis. You will find that once you get a handle or routine, it may not be as bad as it seems. You will find breathing room. Just give yourself that time and grace!!!

Quilting brings calm

@harshedbuzz I took your advice. Mom had her annual wellness visit today. Mom’s PCP will take over the memory NP function ( Donepezil) and psych residents function ( sertraline and mirtrazipine for anxiety and depression). The NP visits weren’t accomplishing anything and the psych residents kept changing and they were just medication only, no therapy anyway. They don’t believe in Seroquel for dementia patients, so they don’t provide any more benefit than the PCP could if it comes to that level.

We will keep her neuropathy doctor( next appt Feb 2025) and her pulmonologist. That follow-up is in June. PCP put mom on supplemental oxygen today anyway as her oxygen level was 84%. That’s what the pulmonologist thought would eventually happen based on the CT scan.
Tomorrow we go for a new eyeglass prescription because mom lost a lens from her glasses.

Spouse finally called the specialist about both of his shoulders hurting, so that appointment is coming up. He had rotator cuff repair on one shoulder several years ago.

Golden years. Not so golden

harshedbuzz

@Quilting brings calm I hope this approach helps.

HB