Alleviating my mother's guilt

loving_daughter

My mother is in the early stage of mixed dementia. I have lived out of state and have been coming more frequently to 1) spend time with her and 2) give her husband a break. I want to stay about 2 weeks of each month. Because of this, I have been looking to purchase a home in the area. My mother gets very agitated at this because she feels like a burden. She thinks I have too much on my plate and that it isn't my job to take care of her, but that it is her husband's. She thinks I should stay at home with my husband.

What she doesn't know is that my husband and I are separated. I have not told her because it would cause her even more anxiety and she would expect me to live with her full time, which I do not want to do at this point. I want to keep my independence, but she will worry incessantly about my safety if she knows I am alone. So I can't decide how to handle the situation because it's causing her anxiety no matter what. I've tried to tell her that I don't feel like I need to "take care of her" or "be her babysitter", but that I just want to spend time with her while I can. I lived down the street from my dad for 10 years, but I haven't lived near my mom since I was 18. I want to make memories with her while we still can.

Also, she has very unrealistic expectations of her husband and expects him to give up everything that he enjoys to just sit with her at home because she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Couple of thoughts: first, there is probably very little you can do to relieve her anxiety, no matter what you say. Anxiety is intrinsic to the disease, as her grip on reality lessens, and she will always find something to worry about and perseverate over. Medication may help more than anything, and this is worth discussing with her docs.

That said, most of us learn to just not discuss things with our loved ones and to use compassionate white lies or "fiblets" to keep them calm. This takes practice and is counterintuitive, because she looks and sounds the same as the parent you remember, but she's not. No need to tell her about your separation, and frankly no need to discuss your home purchase with her. If she is going to see it or spend time there, you can say you're renting or it belongs to a friend who is letting you stay there, isn't that convenient?

third, her unrealistic expectations of her spouse are common too and a cause for future concern, as caregiver burnout is a very real phenomenon. Most people with dementia become very dependent on their loved ones to provide the mental "scaffolding" that allows them to continue to function. This is worth some frank discussions with him about his own feelings and capabilities. Does he hold her power of attorney? Does he have cognitive or health issues of his own? Have they thought about financing memory care in the future? All things to think about.

This forum is a good place for advice and support.