Anything new is very rough!

AlzWife2023

I got a sweet cat for my daughter yesterday which I’m bringing to her tomorrow, as I’m visiting her for two days.

DH has had a really hard time the last two days and I realize that anything new is totally disorienting for him. Monday we went to the senior center where we’ve gone a few times in the last few months and he was so bamboozeled. He kept joking about whether I knew where I was going (it’s five minutes from our house, in the center of town, at town hall). I’ve noticed that he’s gone back to using humor to cover things up. I also see very clearly that he’s not saying exactly what he wants to say because (I guess) he just doesn’t have the words. Anyway, that visit to the senior center was an excursion that really took way more out of us than I expected. His usual day is just hanging around the house, no interest in going anywhere.

His apathy and unawareness of his illness are at high levels. But he did toast at dinner last night “to our health. To my health!” Then he laughed. So he seemed to have a little awareness there for a moment.

Yesterday, I brought the cat home and DH kept asking the same questions about the cat rapid fire and it was really draining plus we have a dog so I had to keep them separate since kitty is new to this environment and she’s recovering from spaying. So I’ve been on edge; therefore I’ve been a little impatient with DH and WOW his reaction is so Quick & Angry & this morning he was Violent…threw a lamp on the floor and cursed at me because I told him impatiently to put in his hearing aids.

All of this has put back into sharp focus the all- encompassing nature of the caregiver role which I had just started to feel sort of settled in. I was really mad and wished he’d disappear and I began fantasizing about placement. Then I started to think again about my finances, how I’m not working, my future, etc. Not good!

I’m relying on help from our oldest who moved in with us & works so much from home that he really can’t handle two days alone with his dad & the dog but he said he’d do it. That highlights again how caregiving is a full time job. I’m feeling bad about making my 2-3 day trip to visit my daughter. She gave me tickets on Xmas to see a play (Steve Carrell in Uncle Vanya) in NYC. We’ve been looking forward to it for months. My son is jittery about me leaving b/c he got super busy at work. It’s like a prison, and I know I’m supposed to have help etc but I don’t yet.

I guess I’m just venting. The burden of all this makes me not want to enjoy myself, go on trips, etc. I am really mad at my DH eventhough it’s not his fault. I will release those feelings but it’s normal to feel that way sometimes.

I guess the main thesis of this post is I am stuck and if I try to do anything for myself I’m screwed and I end up screwing my son, too.
Also, if I’m not perfectly calm and submissive and foreword thinking all the time, when I slip up, DH gets really nasty really fast and frankly that’s scary. I’m stronger than him, so I’m not mortally fearful but I said to myself if he struck me or one of the animals I would call 911 and then not accept him back. This would be devastating for the kids, my sons especially who seem to think I should be a martyr. My daughter is more realistic and sympathetic.

Just another day in the life of a caregiver!

Thanks for listening!

SusanB-dil

Oh, my - what a day! ((hugs))

Have you looked into adult daycare for at least a day or two or three a week?

Agree - not their fault, but it is easy to get upset with our LO. and no - nobody should be the martyr. You would be very correct to call 9-1-1 if you feel threatened at all. Has he had a neurology check? Sounds like he needs something to get him to calm down. There are meds that don't make a zombie.

We also feel so trapped. DH and I are very grateful that mil's sister has her for a few hours on Saturday late afternoon. That still doesn't leave any time to do much at all.

edit to add - would love at least a few days vacation. Even if there was respite care, there would go the money for any vacation… ah, well, and so it goes.