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NUMber2

So, my LO finally left snowy WI for sunny SC. Her #1 desire was to be back in the sunshine. Sadly, WI was never the right choice for her. In fact, a year ago, when my brother said it was time for her to move from her home, she chose SC over WI. (I talked her into 'trying' WI)

She referred to her time in WI as being to hell and back. (…thanks mom)

We went on 10 tours in WI- mostly MC, just to be prepared if she chose to come back with me. I set 7 tours up here in SC but have had to narrow the search to 4. She becomes overwhelmed and confused so easily.

She's all around mad! Pissed at the entire world but especially at me. She doesn't want to leave her house and she thinks it's all my fault.

I feel so sorry for her, but I've been living with her for 2 weeks now and I'm going crazy. I want to go home to WI…aka,to hell.

My brother is keeping her engaged over the phone on his way home from work but he's not doing any of the heavy lifting. I'm emotionally drained. I just want this nightmare to end!

Everything is happening so fast but in slow-motion.

It's 4:00 am, time for her to wake up and rearrange the refrigerator, furniture and puzzle pieces.

I'm exhausted!

harshedbuzz

@NUMber2

It sounds like this is all too much for your mom.

In your shoes, it might make more sense to stop consulting her. Her decision-making ship has sailed. It's time for you to tour solo, make the decision and drop her there under whatever fiblet gets the job done in the kindest manner.

HB

Lynn24

I agree, that is what we have practiced with our mother. She does not have the capacity to make any life decisions any longer. Just continue to treat her with kindness and we have noticed that the leas words used in our responses, the less confused our mother becomes. We generally respond with yes and no, and okay, for example. Be blessed!

Quilting brings calm

I would stop taking her on the visits. You’ve shown her enough choices that you had to have heard ‘ I like this, I don’t like that’ about places. Decide two or three places that are best for her safety, care, socialization, and then see if her previously stated likes/dislikes can be added to make a final choice. Of course, facilities actually make the final choice. Who has a bed, who likes her, etc. Honestly since your brother is the one local, proximity to him or his work will win out anyway.

Pick one, get her in it, and leave the next day. Often facilities will tell you to give them a couple weeks to settle on before you visit. Since her house has sat all this time, it can sit until you come back on whatever schedule of trips works for you. Then you can clean it out and get it ready to sell. I’m not sure if you trust your brother to do that without you.

CaliforniaGirl-1

One of the hardest things is to stop including your parent in the decision making, stop trying to get them to buy in or to choose. As someone previously said, that ship has sailed and they have lost that capacity. She is going to have a transition and talk about "How do I get out of here?" where ever she ends up. It is not unusual for PWD to be saying I want to get out of here or I want to go home or I don't like it here even when they are in the same place they have always lived. It is more a reflection of knowing everything looks different and unfamiliar. And that is something you cannot solve.

At the end of the day you need to the best choice for her where she will be safe and have the best quality of life since she can't do it for herself. Unfortunately you can't make her happy or accepting. But that doesn't mean she cannot come to have a good quality of life and you to have good moments with her, particularly when she is set somewhere and you are no longer consumed with worry and stress.

psg712

Yes. I think that your stress level will improve once you get her situated in a facility. She won't like any place at first. And at some point, she won't know if she is in WI or SC. It's coming up on 2 years since my mom moved out of state, and she cannot remember where she lived most of her life. Sad, to me ... but she is peaceful and no longer cares about it. The move itself was the most stressful part for both of us.