Need advise on my 82 year old mom

Minnie1225

My 82 year old mom was active, driving, cooking, shopping, living alone until June 2023 . She had a neurological stroke which left her with dementia. She is confused somewhat and has aphasia ( words are mixed make no sense) . I had to relocate and leave my home , job and adult children in another state to care for my mom . It was very difficult at first as I’m the sole care giver and have no help from my sibling. He lives 10 minutes from my mom’s house refuses to help not even to give me a break to go to a doctors appointment for myself. ( unfortunately I have a heart issue and cancer survivor on treatment) He wants her in a facility so he can sell her home and take what he calls his money! My mom doesn’t need a facility at this point . We have gone to my home 2x in the past 10 months she does ok but is more advanced in her home . I’ve been able to put her 2 days a week in adult day care but I pay out of pocket for these very expensive service. My mom loves it as she has friends. I was able to find a job 2 days a week as I’m a healthcare worker. So I work to pay her daycare . My problem here is it’s very stressful for me to care for my mom solo 7 days a week and I do understand she can’t help her actions as she’s confused but I can’t go to the bathroom or take a shower without mom constantly come in . If I lock the door she will go crazy . I go to sleep at night she will constantly come into the room to look at me . I don’t have any issues with this . I’m here alone and I’m very lonely but I choose to take the responsibility. Shes my mom and I’ll do anything to care for her .
The problem is She calls me names and becomes very angry and mean to me for no reason. I’m already over stress with the obligation and changes I made in my life to care for her . Sometimes I just can’t take her mean words they are hurtful . What do I do ? How do I deal with this situation? I try to ignore her but she keeps pushing and pushing and uses curse words. Yes those she didn’t forget ! lol , any advice appreciated.

Lynn24

I moved my mother in with us, over a year and a half ago. She has dementia symptoms even though the neurologist didn’t see signs of dementia on her MRI. It has been extremely difficult since she is declining, and has similar symptoms to your mom. She has agitation as well. As a result, we were able to have her admitted to Hospice comfort care services of wgich your mom also qualifies for. It is paid by Medicare, of which includes quarterly respite care, a case manager RN and an aide to come and help a dew days a week. Please seek help in her area. I am uncertain of how you were able to leave your family to take care of her, because for me, relocating to live with her was not an option.

M1

Hi Minnie. Do you hold power of attorney for your mom? That is key: if you hold power of attorney, then you can make decisions for her and investigate assisted living or memory care. It sounds like you would need to sell her home to finance this; you don't want your brother to use her funds for other purposes. If her funds are going to run out, you need to get her qualified for long-term Medicaid. Talk to a certified elder law attorney (CELA), which you can find listed by location at nelf.org. Given that your brother is threatening, you probably need the attorney's advice anyway.

mabelgirl

My mom does the same thing. She gets in my face and says very nasty hateful things. She’s been living with me going on 10 months now. I can’t say I have found a fail proof way to make those words not hurt. I tell myself it’s not her talking but Ms Dementia and that it’s not me she’s talking to but her confused brain. Medication has helped some and good sleep so if she is not on anything that may help.

Please do get an attorney as I have seen how ugly siblings can get with their perceived “inheritance” is threatened. Hopefully you can get her to an AL back where your family is. You are entitled to your life , likewise your family deserves you to be in their life. You do the best for your Mom within her means. Prayers for you and your family.

Lynn24

I can relate. My mother has been with us for over a year and a half, and has become very mean and hateful with her words and actions. Seroquel has helped with sleep and she is not as mean and resistant when it comes to sponge baths, or attempting to change clothes etc. And yes, it is hurtful and exhausting to take care of her every day. I advise everyone to seek therapy during this process. My therapist has been a God send for me this past couple of years.

Quilting brings calm

Why does your brother think he can sell the house? Is it in his name? Is he the legal and financial POA? Why does he think the money would go to him and not her? Have you two checked into future Medicaid eligibility? Because Medicaid has a five year look back and they won’t pay if large sums of money or assets left her account as ‘gifts’.

I agree you ( and your brother) need to talk to a CELA.

I think the two of you ( and your spouse) also need to discuss what is best for all of you. Which may not be you living with your mom apart from your family for what could be years. Your spouse’s needs should be considered too.

harshedbuzz

@Minnie1225

Are you the POA or guardian/ If not you need to see a CELA. If she doesn't have a LTC policy or unlimited funds for her care— which you should not be paying for— you really need to see a CELA for Medicaid planning. If your brother is the sort of individual who believes in taking his share of the inheritance while mom is living, you really, really need to see a CELA as his actions could disqualify her from accessing Medicaid as a safety net should she run out of funds for her care at some point. Assets go quickly once you hire professional care (in-hone agency HHAs cost over $30/hour here 6 years ago with a 15-hour/week minimum), MCFs run about $7-8K/month in many places and SNFs would be closer to $12K/month.

HB