MC one year anniversary

Colt99

It was the worst day of my life. But we survived it and now a year later I can say it was the right move for us. I read so many posts of others struggling with this decision and I fully understand your agony.

Here is a recap of our story starting two years ago. DW was well into stage 6, often incontinent, unable to dress or bath herself, etc. I took to heart the advice to have plan B in place incase I became unable to be caregiver or DW required hospitalization/placement. I visited 7 facilities within 30 minutes of our home and prepared a comparison spread sheet but never went beyond that. During that year I continued dealing with the caregiver issues so often discussed on this site such as: sleeping on the sofa to intercept movement at night, struggling to get through each day one hour at a time, reacting to LO’s boredom frustration and anger, etc. I came to realize that using a plan B was not just possible, it was probable. I then revisited each facility but had either our son or daughter accompany me so that they might understand fully what I was considering. (Note: in that year, 3 of the facilities had gone through a corporate buy-out with change of name and management staff.)

Deciding on the facility was finding the best fit for my DW. Strong activity program, easy access to patio/walking area, pleasant views from her window, etc. There was only one facility I was uncomfortable with. I decided to make some unscheduled visits and the facility I chose encouraged that. I was able sit in on several activities without the “sales” chaperone and observe staff interactions.

Moving was the most stressful thing I have ever done. I used the story that I needed a medical procedure and would be hospitalized for a while. I don’t know how I would have made it without the support and encouragement of our two adult children. I often read here of facilities that require the family to stay away for the first month to let the LO become used to the staff and process. This facility does not subscribe to that idea and left it the family to decide how handle those first days. I did stay away for a few days but the kids did a great job of tag-team visits. Then I was able to visit between “tests and procedures.” I was never able to say good bye during that period. If she sensed I was about to leave she became almost panicky. I always left during some distraction.

Now she has fully accepted her room, the facility, and staff. Seldom becomes agitated as in the beginning although I can see times when she is confused and frustrated. She is apt to say she is just tired and wants to go home. Home being that place when/where things made sense. Eating utensils make no sense to her so it is now finger food or someone feeds her. I visit twice a day. I like to be there for breakfast and dinner. I also attend some of the activities with her. It has been a tough year but I am certain it has been the best for both of us.

M1

These annual mile markers are tough ones. I'm at two years this week, approaching one year at our second (better) facility. I wish I could say it gets easier, but that's not been my experience. My partner remains unhappy most of the time.

I have started some major necessary repairs to get our house ready for eventual sale, and today—I'm not sure why today—I started in on her clothes. All those lovely things she will never wear again.

Dio

Next week will mark the 1 year milestone for us. I'm so conflicted cuz he's doing extremely well these days, almost like normal, I feel as if I should bring him home—a thought that's met with fervent protests from my family and weekly support group. They reminded me of the horrors prior to placement. Somehow I've blocked out those hard times. 😢 😰

sandwichone123

My spouse has been in a facility for a year and a half, and has been moved up to the next level of care this past week. He doesn't understand why they moved him—doesn't realize that he is less independent with his personal care and requires more support. It's been a flashback to those difficult first weeks, but I realize that he'll be ok, as he was ok a year and a half ago. Many of the staff float between buildings, and residents move in that direction as well.

frankay

Dio- Please listen to your family. I was feeling the same way after DH wheelchair bound 8 months in memory care. DH was doing well, my life going fairly well, getting rest, having pleasant visits and thinking maybe I could take care of him at home. Then DH got a UTI, wasn't able to stand, didn't want to get out of his recliner, having issues with using fork and spoon, more difficult to go to bathroom; just a general decline. UTI has been taken care of but still having issues with getting up, standing, and using utensils. Try to relax and appreciate the plateau he's on. It will get worse.

ghphotog

My DW sounds like she's in the same stage as yours. When I went by DW was in relatively good spirits now that she's getting over covid and her fall. She was in her room eating dinner because she is still positive. She only ate the cake and with her hands and needed to be cleaned off, so I did. She doesn't know how to use utensils anymore either and has to be getting very close to stage 7. The staff are great and even though they are short handed they do a very good job.