Had to place dad in an ALF.

JP64

First time posting here. Today has been one of the hardest days of my life. Had to place my dad (88 yoa) in an ALF. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s type 3 last year and has been getting progressively worse. He was living with my mom (87) in their own apartment however my mom did not feel safe anymore. Everyone including the dr is telling me I did the right thing, but it’s tough. The second guessing and feelings of guilt are overwhelming. Any thoughts or suggestions on how to navigate this will be appreciated.

H1235

It sounds like this had to be done for your mom as well as your dad. This is not something you did! Dementia did it! He is not going to get better and the move was probably inevitable. I was told by a neurologist that in some cases an ALF environment can be better than staying at home for someone with dementia. These places offer activities, exercise, and an opportunity to socialize. You also did what was best for your mom. I have read some heartbreaking stories here, of spouses pushing themselves to a breaking point trying to take care of their loved one (putting their own health at risk). You did the right thing.

M1

Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry it's so difficult, but no question you did the right thing. I just hope that assisted living is adequate, be prepared that he really may need memory care. We see that a lot here.

Emily 123

Caregiving is really hard. Even fairly early along in the disease the loved one starts needing oversight throughout the day, though they may not realize it, and resent when support is offered. That alone is emotionally wearing for the caregiver. Just in the same way that the person with dementia is set up to fail daily by the disease, so too is the caregiver, because the disease makes following their loved one's train of thought impossible. The caregiver is always 'on' and having to monitor the environment. There is no 'off'. When you factor in what behaviors the disease causes as well as the physical decline that increases the need for assistance, it often becomes untenable to keep a person at home. The 24/7 oversight of a facility is a reasonable choice. Care decisions should be made that encompass the abilities and safety of the caregivers too, and It wouldn't be good to let this disease take down your mom as well.

NUMber2

JP64 - I'm doing the same today with my mom.

During her good moments she's fit as a fiddle. I just want her to stay in her home, with care of course. However, during her bad moments, I think she should probably be in MC.

This is so hard. I feel your pain! The guilt is overwhelming!

harshedbuzz

@JP64

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

If your mom didn't feel safe, she wasn't. She likely spared you the ugliest details. My mom cared for dad at home for years, but as his brain became more damaged, he became moodier and less compliant around care. I felt like I was going to lose two parents to dementia. I wasn't far off. Towards the end, he was talking about murder suicide so they could go together. I didn't find this out until after he'd passed.

Dad respected the aides in his MCF and was cooperative with his care. He accepted showers, clean clothing, meals and medication with little fuss. Mom was able to stand-down as the hygiene and pill police and be his loving wife which was nice for them both.

That said, the weeks leading up to and just after placement were emotionally tough. I was physically ill in the days surrounding the move. It got better once he settled in.

In retrospect, I wish I'd pushed harder to move him sooner. Mom was neglecting her own care unbeknownst to me (I was at their home a lot) and had a medical event that left her blind in one eye which means she no longer drives. This has prevented her from having the Stage 8 she'd planned and it means my caregiving continues.

HB

psg712

It will get better. Almost no one wants to place their parents in a facility, and you may hear some condemnation from friends, coworkers, other family that you have done a terrible thing. You haven't. You have done a very hard thing, to meet the needs of both parents. Tell the critics (including yourself) thank you for your concern for dad; please help me get through this by sending only encouragement for a while! Most of those who criticize do not have an accurate understanding of your dad's situation.

JP64

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/206030#Comment_206030

thank you so much for your encouragement. Thankfully all I’ve gotten is support from family and friends. It’s me that’s being hard on myself.

JP64

Thanks for sharing. I also believe that mom has spared me some of the stuff that’s gone on in the privacy of their apartment.

JP64

Thanks for sharing. Thankfully, dad is acclimating , and I keep getting positive reports from the facility. Still that feeling of guilt is there. Getting better though. And it will for you too, you did the right thing. Keep telling yourself that.