Making a move

Abby1567

I’ve only made a couple of comments, but I read everybody's stories every day. What a gift to all of us living this nightmare. There’s a wealth of knowledge here and I’m so thankful that I found this! Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences.

I have looked but I don’t see much about moving and when it’s still safe to do so. We live in a very large house. We are house rich, but not cash rich. I know I am going to eventually need to hire help and feel like it would be wise to sell and get into a smaller home with less maintenance and fewer expenses. My DH is probably in Stage 3-4. He’s very confused at times, can’t find his words, and can’t do many of the things he used to do around the house. That being said, we walk 3-4 miles every day, garden, do yard work, get together with friends, etc.

Is it wise to make a move while he’s still well enough to do so, or will a move set him back? Any suggestions or experiences with this would be appreciated!

M1

I am living the consequences of not having downsized and constantly wish we had, though there would have been big time tax implications because of all the improvements my partner made to this farm property. I say do it, but realize that even at stage 3-4 you will have to do all of the heavy lifting to make it happen. I think you have to weigh his personality, is he easygoing about things or is he resistant to change?

Joe C.

SS, We moved when DW was maybe stage 3, more to go to single floor living at DW’s request. The move worked out well for us as went from a house on a heavily traveled road with few neighbors to a quite cul-de-sac with some very good neighbors, that was a huge benefit when DW started to wonder. The big challenge was for DW to learn to use new appliances like the stove, microwave and dishwasher. She was at a point where learning any new processes was challenging. It was also the point that DW started getting lost while driving because she was not familiar with the area which led to her no longer driving.

harshedbuzz

My advice would be to be in the place where you want to live in Stage 8.

It's hard to say whether moving would hasten his progression or not. One of my friends moved her mom twice, once into her home so she could sell mom's and then into a new place she had built with a first-floor in-law suite. While they were at DF's home, the range needed to be replaced and mom never got the hang of it. When they moved, DF moved her old washer and dryer to the new home and had the dryer converted to electric, at considerable expense, so mom could still use it as laundry was something she liked to do. Once in the new laundry room, mom couldn't figure it out and never used it. Other than that, mom seemed to progress at the same steady rate.

I don't think moving impacted dad although it was helpful for mom to be nearer me when dad was finally diagnosed in the middle stages. In one year he moved from his place in FL, to their place in MD, to the hospital and the rehab for 7 weeks, to an apartment they both hated while we sold their homes and finally into a cute carriage house style home in a 55+ community.

@M1 is correct that this decision is entirely on you. I would not engage him in any of the decisions around the move and would endeavor to pull the move off behind his back if possible. We did the move to the apartment while dad was in rehab and moved him there directly saying it was temporary until his docs cleared him to go to FL for the winter. They were both pretty vocal about hating the apartment. It was a 2 BR/2BA but smallish which had them on top of each other. The house was much better— all exterior stuff is managed by the HOA, there are lots of amenities and it's walkable to a large shopping/dining area which is nice. I put my parents up in a nice hotel for the weekend— which dad enjoyed— and once again did the move out of sight. Within a week, he was convinced he chose the house.

HB

Jeannielou

I can relate. My DH has a new CPAP machine and hearing aids. It hasn't been easy. He was diagnosed in early stages but He is so sharp in so many ways that I am constantly thrown off. He was told not to drive when he was diagnosed. I have been driving places I never dreamed possible.

midge333

We downsized from a larger house (upstair bedrooms) on several acres in a rural setting to a one level home in town. My DW was stage 3/4 when we moved and she did great with the move. That said, the entire move fell on my shoulders. Fortunately, we had gotten rid of a lot of our accumulated possessions during the 3 or 4 years prior to the move which made it much easier.

Abby1567

Thank you for the encouraging words. My biggest concern is his wood shop. He was a master woodworker at one time and has all the equipment. He insists it’s going with us. He hasn’t used any of it in over 5 years. He has no idea how to any more. This won’t be pretty! 🤣

Quilting brings calm

Unless you are able to take care of the everything in/around the house, I would move as soon as practical. I suggest a newer one story with limited maintenance needs for you. In an area close to any support system you have. He’s still in early stages and this is a marathon, not a sprint. Go ahead and buy a place with a garage for his wood shop stuff. Yes, you’ll be moving stuff you don’t need. But if it avoids additional arguments…

M1

I have two barns full of tools and equipment as well as a fully equipped art studio, I completely get what you're facing. At some point I will have to have a huge sale, but I also plan to give a lot away if I can—a neighbor will get the tractor and any implements he wants, some of her former subs have first dibs on the table saw, the chop saw, the router, the nail guns, etc.etc.etc. Are you in touch with any friends or woodworking buddies who could take some of it off your hands? Or some volunteer programs or schools might absolutely love to have it. I think all you can do is hope it's out of sight, out of mind. But the devil is in the details in terms of getting it packed up and out of there without his throwing a fit, I'm sure. To this day if I bring up farm chores for something to talk about, my partner will say "well i can help you with that…." Absolutely no insight into her limitations or that life will never be the same again.

harshedbuzz

@so scared

This is the kind of conversation we avoided by not including dad in anything to do with his moves.

I would make the move ahead of emptying the current home. You could put the tools in storage for now until he's moved past this stage. So often out of sight is out of mind. You can always decide later what you want to do with them. You could even promise to add a workshop and kick that can down the road.

Dad was acquisitive to a fault and downsizing from two homes to one. There was so much stuff. We did put a lot of the things from the MD house into storage when I set up the apartment for a time until they moved into their home 5 months later. At that point, we were able to jettison a lot of it. We sold the FL turn-key after removing only a few family pieces. This played into our fiblet that the house was being rented seasonally until he was cleared to go to FL by his doctors. The only thing he liked more than stuff was money, so he was OK with that. About 4 months later he'd progressed to the point where he thought he was in FL which was great until hurricane season.

HB

Waldorf

We made the move when she was in stage 5. She had expressed a desire to move but then became very apprenhesive about it. The move was necessary for safety reasons as she had fallen down the steps twice and had other health issues.

One important factor is the caretakers ability to provide a safe environment until the end. I could not. Also influencing my decision was the cost to place her for a prolonged period of time. A 2 year placement would cost well over $200,000 and my guilt feelings and burden would not go away. We had earlier decided we did not want to end up in a nursing home and would like to pass at home. We made the move to a over 55 one story house with no basement. It was a difficult move and adjustments were necessary. She lived for 2yr, and

6 months and I was able to keep her there through hospice. It was the right decision for me.

Ask yourself what you would do with the house if he passes?

charley0419

we moved from home of 39 yrs to an over 55, wife was not diagnosed at time , I feel move really brought it on she was diagnosed 5 months later with mild on set dementia, whatever that is haha, hasn’t cooked in 2 yrs short term bad and gets confused no driving everything else the same.

mrahope

We moved this past summer from the home we owned (in the suburbs of a large city) to our present rented home in a small university town so I could be near DS and family for support and also to avoid so many stairs, as our previous place was a townhouse. If I had told DH the truth (i.e. I needed support for his care and I was worried I couldn't get him up/down the stairs in an emergency), he would have insisted it was unnecessary. He now believes it was so I could be near my granddaughter. As it was, as others have stated, the entire burden of arranging the move fell to me. And now DH will often (when in a good mood) tell me how much he likes it here.

Abby1567

All of your comments and suggestions have made me realize that this is the right thing to do. I talk about it to him all the time and he seems on board with everything. He’s confused about living here anyway. He seems to think that we have only spent the night here 3 times because our main home is in IL. Where that came from is a complete mystery! We’ve lived here since 2002 after building the house that he designed. I guess it’s on to the next adventure. Baby steps, one day at a time. ❤️