VERY new here

JES13

Long story short my DH's mother had early onset Alzheimers, I 'suspected' for a long time that my husband may be starting on that path too… Only he's OCD we just moved to be closer to 'some' family 7 years ago - from Vt. We are now 77&76 years old. My husband insists on working - just 'retired' (as his new jobs consisted on 'driving' - he was a court reporter 20 years ago)… Since he was let go (again) from his last job he 'claimed' he was 'done' working, but he loves making money. "I" worry about his driving, ok I'm not so 'hot' myself, but I drive local while he insists on driving on the highways - he WILL drive 55 - he does NOT do well in traffic jams and when they let up he starts out on 20 miles an hour while cars pass left and right. He has Trifocal glasses, BUT only wears them when he's on the computer - he 'refuses' to wear them ALL the time, when IMO he should! Since he's been home I've (now) noticed some changes in his behavior, he seems 'confused' at times, doesn't 'remember' telling me things and/or - well I can go on…. What worries me the most is he's 'looking for another job' ….. I try to tell my kids, but no one sees him enough to 'believe' me. I'm not expressing myself very well either - sorry. Just worried and wondering do I just 'let him make his own mistakes' (and PRAY he doesn't cause an accident?) as my son, who lives in my area doesn't 'see it yet' and my other son in NY says 'let it go'??? Shall I just 'let it go?' and (excuse me for this) "Let God take care of this issue?" Thank you….

M1

Welcome to the forum, you have come to a good place for advice and support. Driving is a very, very hot button issue that involves public welfare, not just you and your family. Most here would tell you that no, you should not back down on this issue. Does he have a formal dementia diagnosis? You should probably talk to his doctor about your concerns and make getting a diagnosis your first priority. Sometimes these concerns are best put in writing ahead of an appointment, as discussion in front of him may cause conflict. Hopefully you have HIPPA privileges with his doctor. If he is reluctant to go, sometimes it works to tell him an appointmetn is required or he'll lose his insurance.

You also need to hold his power of attorney; if you don't, you can. talk to a certified elder law attorney and get this taken care of in the context of updating all papers. Your own should be changed such that he does not serve as your power of attorney or executor. This can also be done in private, so as not to upset him.

He probably needs a formal diagnosis in order for the doctor to advise him not to drive. In some states there are ways you can anonymously report someone to the DMV; you may want to investigate this. Aside from the terror and tragedy of hurting or killing someone, if he drives with a dementia diagnosis you could be sued for everything you own.

Regarding getting another job: he may talk about this but not actually have the wherewithal to accomplish it. You can make sympathetic noises, but don't do anything to actually help him look or find one.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation, it is heartbreaking. I hope you can find ways to convince your children sooner rather than later. Family are always the first to notice the symptoms.

SSHarkey

Hello Jes! Welcome to the club none of us want to be in! M1 has given you sage advice. I have done what he suggested, written all my concerns down and gotten the information to the doctor prior to the appointment. It’s a good way to keep the doctor informed of your perspective and allows them to swing the conversation around to the pertinent issues. Let the doctors and the DMV be the “bad guys.” That way you can empathize when he’s cut off from driving and not be blamed. At this age and stage of life, you’re not going to be able to convince him yourself.

H1235

I agree with M1. You might also take all the things you write down for the doctor and give it to your kids. Give specific examples. Maybe be a bit more insistent with your kid. Show your emotions. Beg them to ride in the car with him. You need your kids on your side. They can help, but you really need to get them to open their eyes.

In my state you can report someone’s driving but they ask you to site examples of problems (tickets, unexplained scratches on car, etc.) As far as letting it go, will you be able to live with yourself if he causes an accident and takes someone’s life?

This is a staging tool. https://tala.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf
It may help you with recognizing symptoms that you didn’t even realize are related to dementia. Anosognosia is common with dementia and is a lack of awareness of limitations. Sounds like he has it. It makes things very difficult. Good luck to you.

Iris L.

Get one or two of your children to visit for the weekend. Let them spend most of their time with Dad. Do not try to smoothe things over. Let them see with their own eyes what you see.

How is he doing with money, with paying bills?

My own license states that I must wear corrective lenses. Nevertheless, his problem is not in his eyes but in his brain. PWDs have visual distortion and don't see what is right in front of them, also they can't judge distances or make decisions.

Does the car have dents? You can disable the car and tell him a part has to come from overseas. There are a lot of threads on driving, you can read a few of them.

Keep reading and posting; the members here are experienced, knowledgeable and willing to share! You won't find a better group to support you.

Iris