How do I respond?

Ohiofriend

Hello, I am new to this board and I’m not a caregiver, just a friend who recently found out that a dear friend of 40 years has early onset dementia. I’m afraid I don’t know much about the disease or its stages, but I know he’s had it for probably about 4 years. I reconnected with him a few months ago. Since then I’ve taken him out to lunch a few times and that has gone pretty well. When we’re together I can make out what he’s saying by hand gestures or verbal cues. But, he texts me about once a week and I have no idea what he is saying to me. He sometimes follows that up with a phone call, and again, I don’t understand what he is saying or needs. Last time this happened I called his sister to talk to him and find out what was wrong. He lives with his wife but I don’t think she was home. My question is, what do I do when he tries to communicate with me over text or phone when I can’t understand him? I don’t feel right not responding but I also don’t know what to say? This is such a small problem compared to what so many of you are enduring but I don’t want to do the wrong thing. Thank you.

JDancer

I would try to connect with the spouse. My spouse's friends contact me, via email, if they want to take him out to lunch, etc. I let them know if he's free, and then they call him. I keep track of his "appointments" and make sure he's ready to be picked up. Perhaps you could send his texts to the spouse for translation. Maybe arrange a phone call when the spouse will be there. She can listen in and may be able to help him communicate or at least let you know his physical reaction to your conversation. I worry that he may try to contact you in an emergency and you wouldn't realize there was a problem.

It sounds like you're being a good friend. My husband only has two friends left that spend time with him, but they mean the world to both of us. I'm sure you're appreciated.

jfkoc

I too see a frightening problem. Your friend is being left alone without the ability to call for help. How to approach this will take some serious thought.

sandwichone123

If the spouse has no support, offering to do something with him to give her some time off will soon be appreciated, if it is not already. If she is currently leaving him alone, that seems unlikely to last much longer.

As far as communicating with him, I generally make non-committal responses like, "wow," "I can't believe it," or others depending on whether my dh's tone is happy or sad when he tells me something. Via text I usually respond with a generally positive statement,"I saw flowers blooming today," or a statement of when I will see him again.

Ohiofriend

thank you all for your responses. His wife doesn’t like me much, and when I suggested I contact her, his response, while basically unintelligible, was not very positive and he said she’d be angry. I never thought about him being left alone, that’s an interesting thought. I can reach out to his sister, though so I will do that.

Jgirl57

I just want to say thank you Ohiofriend for taking the time to learn about your friend. Emails and texts responses can be brief or ignored . This skill will fade for him and in person visits are best. Thank you for being a good friend.

JDancer

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207428#Comment_207428

As my DH's caregiver, I value his (few remaining) friends more than ever. You may find the spouse very receptive, especially if you offer help.