AL question

TamiF

how do I tell my mom she has to move to AL?

M1

Hi Tami and welcome. Short answer is that you don't necessarily tell her at all. One common saying on this forum is that you don't try to reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Hopefully you have power of attorney, so that it is your decision to make this move happen for her, to keep her safe.

unfortunately you can't expect her to make the move willingly--that's uncommon. It occasionally happens but is probably the exception rather than the rule. Most people with dementia don't recognize their limitations (anosognosia) and think they are fine, and are therefore resistant to change. One other common concern is to make sure you are moving her to the right level of care. It's another common saying on this forum that by the time most families are looking at assisted living, that ship has long sailed and what is really needed is memory care. Only you can make that call however.

Most here would tell you not to discuss the move with her ahead of time, and you may have to use a "fiblet". On the day of the move, you tell her a story that there's a problem with the house requiring immediate evacuation (gas leak, radon, burst sewer line, etc) but you've found a great place for her to stay temporarily while it gets fixed. Others have used a similar stories about needing surgery or having to leave town temporarily. For memory care, even after two years we tell my partner she is there for physical therapy to prevent falls.

Hope this helps give you some ideas, I'm sure others will chime in. It's never easy.

PauletteKLB

Hi,

I will be moving my mom from an apartment in the Village to Memory Care in the same Continuity of Care setting. She moves in 2 weeks. How could I talk to her about moving to get somewhat of a "buy in." It sounds tricky, and I don't want to her to be anxious about it because she is already frequently anxious about everything!

psg712

See M1's response to Tami above. A sure way to get your mom anxious about the move is to talk about it ahead of time. I know it sounds abrupt to move her without that buy-in, but it would be surprising if she agreed to a move.

Any change is scary and will be upsetting at the time it occurs, even if you have tried to prepare her. If she is at the point of needing memory care, her ability to process the move in advance will be very limited. And she may not remember what you've told her. Sorry, I know it is super difficult to make these decisions without being able to discuss them rationally with her. But that's why she needs the higher level of care.

Anonymousjpl123

I moved my mom from both her home to AL, and her AL to MC (same facility). For the move to AL, she had enough lucidity to pick the place. She did not want to move but I said it wasn’t optional, so we visited 3 in one state and 2 in another. For the actual move (which was a nightmare), we told her where she was going and she helped pack, but kept forgetting what city she was moving to.

For the move to MC, she was in a hospital and had them keep her an extra day so I could physically complete the move. The morning she moved in, I told her I had found her a much better place. That was it. Literally told her as we were leaving, and brought her to her new place. While not everything about the transition was easy that worked like a charm. She was so happy I had brought all her stuff and done all the work.

Think about what things might make your mom comfortable in her space, and work towards creating a nice space.

In terms of fiblets, I never, ever got good at them. But I’m totally at ease with telling her the absolute minimum in terms of details about her life. During the moves, I would tell her what I thought would comfort her and put her at ease. I still do. hope this helps.

H1235

Even if you feel you need to tell her in advance I would suggest not giving her much notice. A day or two depending on how she is doing. My mil was told several weeks ahead of time and was very frustrated and confused about the move. She would call multiple times a day asking questions about the move. She packed, but what she packed made no sense. I’m going to be moving my mom in the next few months. My plan it to present it as, this is what the doctor said is best for you. Kind and caring, but not optional. She will not be happy. My thought is if she wants to do something to prepare we let her. But when it’s time for the move we will only bring what we feels needs to go. That’s my plan, but I have a brother that wants her to make as many decisions as she possibly can ( to the point that he pushes her to make decisions), so we will see.