Is it normal to hate your parents?

TrumpetSwan

Every last bit of empathy I had for my parents is gone. It has been a long road, and there is no end in sight. I want to be done with them.

I believe both mom and dad now have dementia. Mom's condition has been clear for about six years and she has steadily declined. Dad's just became apparent recently. Mom is 86 and dad is 89.

I just moved them both into an ALF. I had the paperwork in process, but they both had a hospital stay at the same time, and I pushed through the remaining documents so when released they would go straight into the ALF. Dad argued with vigor against it, but mom was more compliant. There was no choice. What made me realize dad had declined is that they were no longer safe in their home, tripping on everything, leaving the oven on, not locking doors, forgetful of recent conversation, and no longer bathing at all.

Dad never admitted to mom's obvious dementia. He refused to take her to get a diagnosis and got mad at me when I tried. He said they promised each other to never go to a nursing home. He refused help that was offered for Home Care. I feel like all he did however was offload the responsibility of the inevitable train wreck onto his kid.

He has the DPOA papers complete. Will is completed. He has his end of life wishes documented by an attorney. That is where he stopped.

When I picked them up from the hospital to go to the ALF, mom had declined greatly from the hospital stay. She was walking with a walker, but now cannot even stand up on her own. She is extremely tired and barely talking or interacting unless you speak directly to her. Dad started crying upon seeing her condition. I asked him to be strong, but he said he can't and just kept crying.

Dad is weak from being hospitalized and has new bowel incontinence. He stood up and took two steps but his legs buckled beneath him and he fell down. I pushed the emergency button for assistance. His diaper was full when he hit the floor, and he left a mess on the carpet. When someone came to help, I asked if they could help get him in the shower to wash him off. Fortunately they did, and I found a change of clothes for him. In less than two hours in the new ALF, he had already gone through one new set of clothes and soiled the floor. He was crying over his wife's condition and asked me to kill them both.

I went to get some water, and he just told me "you are up next… this is going to happen to you". Who says that to their kid that worked so hard for them?

I have not been close to my parents in the last 10 years. I instilled boundaries, and pulled back from them to have peace in my life. I saw their conditions decline and helped a bit, but did not want to "rescue" them from their own life. I guess it got to the point where it was too disturbing to just witness it.

My plan is to step back and let those at the ALF handle things. I know I will have financial aspects and other logistics to deal with to close down other areas of their life. I just want to remain out of close contact with them.

I hate to use the word "hate", but it is what I feel toward them. My mom chose this man to marry, and he kisses the ground she walks on and she loved his adoration. It was all she seemed to care about. My dad chooses denial about everything.

I cannot stand being anywhere near this situation. I cannot stand them.

Does anyone have advise on how to hand over the financials, etc. to someone else? An elder attorney? I just want out.

harshedbuzz

@TrumpetSwan

I'm sorry. I can't say I hate my parents, but the lack of reciprocity irks me greatly. There's nothing like listening to mom complain about her golden years when she had 18 years of retirement to do as she pleased and I'm here spending mine maintaining her facade of independence. She also "wishes" ghastly things on me by saying things like "when you develop <some awful medical condition like AMD>". I already have her crappy joints, why would she want me blind as well?

You've done right by them but I can totally appreciate the anger and frustration of it all. There are a few books out there regarding your experience of stepping in to be caregiver to parents who weren't there for you. I read one and it helped a lot.

Could you hire a bookkeeper or accountant to manage the financial pieces?

HB

jfkoc

Read the DPOA carefully. It may tell you how you can bow out.

housefinch

No, but in middle age I am learning a lot about my own family as I watch my mom act as caregiver to my stepdad. He is not as advanced yet as your parents, but he should not be left alone, should not be doing many things that my mom still insists he is safe to do. I had to seek therapy for myself because I was so upset watch her level of denial that it was actually affecting my mental health and relationship. It turned out that I learned my mom sees life not as it is, but as she wants it to be. I am oversimplifying and leaving out many details. But I came close to reaching a personal crisis point and set major boundaries to protect myself. She is both oblivious to some boundaries and pushes others. I would urge you to do whatever you need to protect yourself from harm. Therapy has helped me feel less powerless and angry. And I’m not even in the same state as my mom! Hugs and comfort to you.

forbarbara

What a terrible situation. I feel for you - everyone on this forum does. Is it possible to take a good long break, get some distance (as in staying away from ALF) and some time for yourself? You don’t have to make all the decisions right now. Just you take care of you.

When I got MIL settled in MC I didn’t realize how long I’d been holding my breath. I started talking about everything that had happened to anyone who would listen - and couldn’t stop for a month! So talk away - we’ll listen.

M1

if you can afford it, hire a professional care manager. They are out there, I'm sure you would have to vet carefully but it can be done.

Quilting brings calm

if( and I do mean if) you truly want to be done with them, and don’t care what decisions are made, then contact a lawyer about having them declared incompetent and a state guardian appointed for them.

Iris L.

Please, find a professional. Your parents deserve good care.

Iris

Phoenix1966

I would second the recommendations about either hiring a care manager or seeing how you can remove yourself as DPOA and have the state appoint a guardian.

It’s okay to say that you are not the ideal caregiver for them. Don’t feel like you have to explain to others any more than that. Take care of your own well-being and let someone else take care of theirs.

jfkoc

It is OK to "hate" your parents. Do your best as agent and let it go.

Anonymousjpl123

Absolutely ok. I can completely relate. When I stepped in to be my mom’s caregiver it was only after thinking long and hard about it and talking with all close friends and family. I was absolutely NOT sure I could take it on and, knowing what that meant, was exploring my options. My was love/hate, as I think many are, but it was absolutely NOT a given that I step in and take over.

Are there any other close relatives who can help, or who are involved?

Are they geographically near or far?

These things matter in terms of setting up care, but you absolutely can manage their care and get them help with boundaries in place.

MsLatour

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68998/is-it-normal-to-hate-your-parents

I believe it is HUMAN to feel that way. You took the necessary steps to separate yourself a long time ago because you didn't want to live your adult life around what you felt was negative energy. I had a conversation with someone a few days ago and in that conversation, I said, "I did not ask to live the life of a caregiver/caretaker"…and the truth is…NOONE asks for this kind of life. I have met people who have put their loved ones in care facilities, either by choice or necessity, and it's not an easy decision. For me, I had to voice my anger which, interestingly enough, kicked me in the bottom to take action in refocusing my energies toward MYSELF!!! There are no perfect parents and, as my mother has told me, you don't get to choose the family that you are born into but, you do get to choose how you want to live and find your peace. Therapy and counseling does help. Or, talking to someone, a close friend maybe, who will listen without judgment. As for finding getting financial advice…You may want to connect with a legal aid service in your area who can provide you with resources to check out. You want to handle things correctly and legally so, that you won't have to deal with any unexpected issues later on.