stress

corbeje

My father was diagnosed with Dementia this year. My mom is his primary caregiver. We have nursing help on occasion so my mom can get a break and my family and I spend alot of time with them . Besides the fact of struggling to see my dad go through this disease I find myself getting upset with my mom. Many times it seems she gets mad at him and ignores that he has dementia. When I try to discuss it with her she just gets mad at me. Feel like I am not only losing my father but my mom as well.

Lynn24

My FIL was diagnosed with dementia last year, and my MIL behaves very similar. I believe that she is coping the best way that she can, so we give her grace. I fully understand because my mother has been living with us for nearly two years, and it has not become any easier, serving as caregiver, as she has drastically declined. Give your mom a little grace.

psg712

Even though it's an unrealistic expectation, we who are closest to our PWD so badly want them to be the people we remember, the spouse or parent or sibling that we knew and often relied on. It takes a lot of time to adjust to the fact that they can't be that person anymore. In some way, your mom's anger at your dad may be her struggling with the complicated grief of losing him while he's standing right in front of her.

Hugs to you. It must be so hard to watch not only your dad's decline but also your mom trying to cope. I miss my dad (passed 14 years ago) but have often thought that I am glad he doesn't have to watch mom fade like this. It would break his heart.

Quilting brings calm

You may very well be losing your mom too. Up to 1/3 of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. Often due to illnesses aggravated by stress. Are you sure your mom is up to the task of living with and caregiving for your father? Have you given thought to moving them ( or him) into assisted living to relieve your mom’s caregiving duties.

Can you tell us more about their ages, physical condition, living arrangements ( rural, big/small house, yard, etc)?

harshedbuzz

@corbeje

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

I was the adult daughter in a very similar scenario. I, too, had a sense that mom's behavior around dementia was more troubling than dad's. And dad was not an easy-going PWD. In a very real sense, dad's dementia was harder on him than it was her.

Without a sense of the specifics Quilting mentioned, my general and random thoughts are—

Losing a spouse is a different experience than losing a parent. In the natural order of things, there is an expectation that children bury parents. She's losing a partner in life.

Not for nothing is dementia called the long goodbye. When a spouse has dementia, their spouse finds themselves in a kind of limbo where their responsibilities for the care of their partner reach unimaginable levels while the benefits of marriage— companionship, conversation, empathy, a shared history and support— disappear.

Another reality in dementia is that in addition to keeping your PWD safe, you have to assume all of the tasks they managed in the household in addition to your own. Not only is this generally double the workload, often a spouse finds themselves taking on things outside their own wheelhouse— like cooking, lawn care, home repairs or managing investments.

Your mom is living this 24/7. She probably needs more respite than she is currently getting. "On occasion" should be replaced by regularly scheduled blocks of substantial time— all day, a couple afternoons each week or even a weekend— to which she can look forward. If money is an issue, perhaps you could have a weekly outing with dad to give her some alone time.

It's also important to note that not all folks are cut out to be hands on caregivers. If you mom is still employed or is older or has her own physical of mental health issues, she may not be up to the task. So often in dementia, the PWD becomes the priority to the detriment of the caregiver. You need to make sure caregiving isn't going to cause her to be in the 1/3 who don't survive their spouse.

All that said, my mom really struggled with the transition to caregiver. Dad was diagnosed fairly late in the game because of her denial and refusal to accept the changes happening. Irrational as it seems, she truly believed that helping him or taking over certain roles would somehow hasten the progression of his disease. She also had trouble believing, in the moment, that some of the irksome things he did were a function of his damaged brain and reacted with anger. I tried to give advice which further pissed her off. I tried to model behavior strategies to calm dad while she insisted they didn't work for her.

What finally helped were 2 things—

Getting her support in the form of meds/therapy and a local IRL support group. When her peers told her the same things I did, she listened and tried them which calmed the situation.

This quick read which helped her understand how dementia impacted dad.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

HB

H1235

https://alzheimersdiseasefoundation.org/10-absolutes-in-dementia-care/

Something simple like this may be helpful for her. It is so all so difficult. Good luck to you.