"Who am I?"

HangingIn

Today I realized again that DH isn’t always sure exactly who I am.  He knows my name, at least, but not necessarily that I am his wife of nearly 49 years.  He seems to believe that he was married to someone else before me, and I suspect that this is partly because I don’t look the way I did back then—of course, neither does he.

I know I’m not supposed to correct him when he says something off the wall, but he has begged me to tell him.  I don’t imagine he’ll always feel that way.  Still, for now, I’ve taken him at his word and he does seem to appreciate being steered in the right direction.

DH’s geriatric specialist suggested that I make a photographic timeline of our life together that I can refer him to or view with him when he seems to be thinking that he had a preexisting wife.  I feel it couldn’t hurt and might help, for a while, anyway so I hope I can get to that in the next week or so.

Jez975

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69031/who-am-i

I was/am in the same situation. Photos all over the house of our 33 years together helps my DW at least somewhat recognize us together. Though she will often point to me in the picture and ask if that’s me.

l7pla1w2

Same here. Today DW asked (not for the first time) where I live. I said, "Here". She said, "No you don't. You haven't been here. I've been living alone for a long time." Then she asked, "Where do you sleep?" and I said in bed with you. Again, "No you don't. I would remember." My internal monologue is going, "No, you wouldn't remember. You can't remember what we did an hour ago. You can't remember that we just walked the dog. You can't remember..." I've intermittantly taken selfies of the two of us sitting on the bed, which demonstrates that I've been here recently, not that that helps.

DW asks whether we're married. Yes, since 1976. "How is that possible?"

I answer these questions in the most low-key, neutral tone I can muster. I know, I know, don't correct/argue/reason.

M1

Worth a try but I wouldn't get your hopes up. My partner doesn't recognize me in pictures any more. Today she told me that she was surprised how much she loved me because we had just met, and she hoped that was okay with me....we've been together thirty years. I told her it was just fine and that i loved her too. But it's surreal, and it still hurts.

HangingIn

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207221#Comment_207221

No, I know enough to keep my hopes realistic. And yes, the hurt is palpable.

sandwichone123

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207221#Comment_207221

@M1 I certainly understand the pain of literally being forgotten, but I am touched by the fact that she still loves you surprisingly much even though she's lost every other element of your relationship.

PookieBlue

To HangenIn

       I know everyone recommends not correcting PWD, but personally I find it is easier to redirect him to reality at least in certain instances. When he wakes in the morning and thinks he is still in the service I remind him that he was discharged 55 years ago when he completely lost his hearing while shooting a 50 caliber machine gun. He was already deaf in one ear and night blind and should not have been drafted in the first place. His hearing returned in his good ear after about two weeks, but not 100%. He can still relate to his deafness, since he was three years old when they operated on his ear to get rid of an infection and caused him to lose his hearing in that ear.

Many times he confuses me as being his sister or mother. We’ve been married 36 years and he not knowing me hurt initially. However, he always calls me sweetie so I just go with my illusion that he really knows me. He will often get into the circling redundant questions, one of which he asks me if I’m married to which I answer , Yes, I am. Do you want to know what my husbands name is? At which time he responds with a sheepish grin, ‘Oh, it’s me isn’t it? Then we both laugh.

When he begins to ask me about his dead mom, I tell him he is almost 79 and most people his age don’t still have their parents. He accepts that and most times now, he asks me if his mom has passed. Last summer he kept worrying that his mom had taken the car and wasn’t home yet. I went along with his delusion saying , She’s a big girl. She’s fine. However, as it got closer to dark he became more frantic that he had allowed his mother (at 91 y/o) to go out drinking by herself. He was going to call 911 so I had to tell him that I had just gotten a text saying she was with his sister. (2000 miles from us) 

I’ve been taking him to Adult Day Care once a week for a couple of hours while I attend my support group. When he asks where we are going, I tell him we have shopping and errands to run. I don’t tell him until we pull into the parking lot of the Day Care that I have a meeting and he needs to wait for me. He used to tell me he would just wait in the car for me and I would tell him it will get too cold or too hot. We’ve been doing this since August 2023 and for the first time last week he just got out of the car without hesitation. Last December I made the mistake of letting him know I was taking him there as I wanted to spend the day with my daughter. He came unglued about having to go and ultimately I didn’t get my day with my daughter. He was horrible to me for 48 hours and thought I was an intruder and had done something to his mother. That is why I tell him fiblets about Day Care and other issues that trigger aggression.

Vitruvius

The idea of using photos to provide some clarity or "proof" of your identity I suppose is worth a try. But it certainly didn't work for me and my DW, back when she was confused about who I was. (She is now well into Stage 7 with very little awareness of much of anything.) BTW we have also been married over 49 years, soon to be 50.

My DW explained my resemblance to her husband, by deciding I was one of my nonexistent brothers (I have no brothers IRL). Or sometimes a cousin. Remarkably they all had the same first name as me. (Que The Bob Newhart Show: "This is my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl".)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4mY2ibS1E4

My DW noticed my wedding ring and asked me who I was married to. When I told her it was her, she took it as a joke, but then asked "if your married, why are you here with me?" This line of thinking started to trouble her so I "redirected" her somehow that I don't recall. After that I took my wedding ring off to avoid this line of thinking. I had rescued her wedding ring from being misplaced a number of times so I just put them both in the safe where they stay to this day.

After awhile she gave up on wondering who exactly I was and about such things as marriage and just seem to accept the fact that we lived together and that was just the way things were . Fortunately although she was confused about who I was, she was almost always comfortable with me and treated it as normal that I was always there. Deep down she still knew the bond between us even though the logic of our relationship confused her.

jsps139_

About a month ago, my husband spent 2 hours trying to convince me that I wasn’t his wife. At first, I showed him pictures of us together and shared some stories of our life together. He wasn’t buying it! He went in the bedroom closet and brought out the dirty clothes basket and picked out one of my t-shirts and said, “This is my wife’s shirt and you couldn’t fit your one arm in it.” I thought … oh my … his mind pictures his wife (me) when we first got married and I weighed 105 lbs. I finally stopped trying to help him understand who I was and just said that your wife went to stay with her brother because he is sick. He threw his hands up in the air and we both went to bed.

HangingIn

I know I may be grasping at straws and that photos may not help. And I also know that even if they help now, they probably won't help in the future. I just feel like have to try. If nothing else, at least he is still comfortable in my presence and is glad to have me around.

I'm so sorry this is happening to so many of us.