how do you talk to an elderlaw attorney?

l7pla1w2

I'm in the beginning stages of talking to a (not officially certified) elderlaw attorney. We already have wills, health care proxies, etc., but I wanted another pair of eyes to see whether we missed something.

Here's my problem. DW has anosognosia and gets angry at any suggestion that she has a problem. How can I discuss topics in her presence that might involve DW's incapacitation?

The attorney I've contacted said this:

I can also just meet with you, and we can discuss realities more frankly.
However, once I meet with you alone, I really will not be in the position of also representing [DW], unless I disclose to her that I had met with you previously. I recognize that this puts you in a bad spot but I am ethically required to disclose communications to both spouses if I represent both spouses.

I'm looking for advice. Thanks.

M1

I might flat ask him outright how much experience he has dealing with dementia cases.

concerned_sister

Here was my experience. We mentioned the current diagnosis, and that we wanted to talk about scenarios that might happen in the future. DB in part spoke for himself, and as agreed to ahead of time I spoke for him when he got tongue tied. Our CELA had an opportunity to observe for herself some of DB's deficits. Be warned, as I was, that our PWD can showtime in front of the lawyer. DB is open to discussing what may happen in the future and the impact it could have on his wife. With that tense he is not defensive. Am I correct that DW is aware of the diagnosis, just not percieving any impacts…yet?

Kibbee

Back in 2018, DH and I together went to an attorney (she was not an CELA) and had our Trust, Wills, HPOA and FPOA set up. Recently I decided it would be good to consult a CELA for a review of those documents. I interviewed three CELAs before I selected one to work with. I did all the interviews on my own, DH was not present. Not a single one of the CELAs I interviewed seemed to find anything unusual with that, or suggested I include DH in our meetings. The only time I did bring DH to an appointment was when he had to sign an updated FPOA.

wose

In our case, I felt it was necessary to be as upfront as possible with my DH. I have no children but he does. And to make it more difficult, one of his children is a drug addict and has been in prison. I treaded lightly and directed all my questions with me being the disabled one. I spoke to the CELA and he was aware it was DH with the problem and went along. He made it known though, that DH would be told all the legal details and it worked cause DH didn’t remember. I introduced each scenario with me being the one who needed care. I would say “with my bad eyesight or bum knees, how can we protect our assets”. Every case and person is different, but because he has children I felt he needed to be included in the decision making, even though it was me making those decisions. And in the end, I feel better that our house will be in an irrevocable trust for them to have and not the state. Little ( or perhaps big ) fiblets need to be intertwined with the truth to protect everyone involved. Keep in mind though, that in the end in my case, I think he caught on and his mistrust of me was heightened even though everything I did was for his benefit. It is true that lawyers have to disclose all info to both spouses, a CELA is just a bit more savvy in doing this, I think. As a side note, I too had previous documents like wills, poa’s and health directives from another attorney that my CELA said would not hold up under scrutiny, so all of those documents were redone too. 💜

l7pla1w2

DW and I can certainly meet with the attorney, and I can probably come up with a reasonable explanation. I have already given the attorney DW's dementia background. So the attorney can review our existing documents and recommend changes as needed. However, it will get sticky when it comes to talking about health care proxies. DW would be pretty useless in that capacity for me, but how can I handle that without major anger? ("I can do that. Why are you choosing someone else?") That's the point where I wanted to talk to the attorney privately, but she says she would have to inform DW.

I guess I will meet with the attorney with DW and see where that leaves us.