Is meeting someone new a possibility?

Kathryn1

Hi. I am new here. My DH was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a year ago. He is 57 and I am 49. He has mild to moderate symptoms.

His behaviour started to slowly change about 8 years ago. Although of course then I didn’t understand why. Before we realised he may have dementia I had started contemplating the fact that I don’t feel seen and understood by him and that he is more of a child than a husband. I started wondering if we should separate and eventually find new partners. I was unsatisfied in my marriage.

Then the diagnosis came and everything turned upside down and at the same time explained the lack of satisfaction I had on my marriage.

He started medication which has really helped, he is much more communicative and aware than before the medication.

I love him and will be here to care for him, but I also long to be with someone who is my equal.

DH is very dependent on me and scared of me leaving him. I have promised I won’t leave and assure him I love him. But I don’t have the heart to tell him I don’t love him the same way anymore. Saying that I think he understands that anyway.

Now I have met someone who I really click with and we have chemistry. We are just friends but I have the impression we are at a crossroads, that it could lead to something more. I feel very torn. Partly I really long for a relationship with this man. But how would it even work? Would I break my DH heart, even if I stayed looking after him while in a relationship with someone else? I think it would break him.

At the same time I don’t want to be holding secrets. Or could I keep it a secret a while

And so many thoughts, what our teenage children think? Other family?

I haven’t acted on any of my thoughts but I have been longing for a long time and now there seems there may be a possibility of someone new I don’t know what to think or do.

PookieBlue

Hi Kathryn1,

I would hope that no one would fault you for any decision you make. However, it is your decision to make. The dementia journey for both PWD and the caregiver is a tough one and each of us has to figure out how we can survive it. My DH doesn’t always know I am his wife and often asks if I have a boyfriend, and to be truthful there are times when I wonder what it would be like. You are so young to have to travel down this road and you have a lifetime ahead of you.

Kathryn1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207401#Comment_207401

Thank you so much PookieBlue for your thoughtful response.

SherryRS

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69046/is-meeting-someone-new-a-possibility

Hello Kathryn1,

I can understand how confusing and challenging this is for you. Perhaps no decision needs to be made at this point. Perhaps simply live with the question and possibilities for awhile. You may reach clarity in time. I wish you and your DH all the best.

jfkoc

I think you will find a lot of negatives thrown at you if you enter into an affair that others know about. If no one else knows there is only you to "deal" with.

We all live with the decisions we make. There is no certainly when we make them that we have made the right one but I believe that one consideration is will my choice leave me with regret. Following this one might only be able to consider which will leave me with the most regret.

As said above, it is your decision and you can only hope you make the right one.

We are here for you to listen and to lean on…..

Quilting brings calm

This question comes up periodically - although it is more often voiced by husbands. Usually at a later stage of dementia, and often after placement. There are several threads discussing it although it’s been a few months.

Your situation is different because you are younger with teenagers I think that you will want to consider the impact on your teenage children. It’s more involved emotionally for them that a typical divorce would be ( and yes, I realize you may not actually divorce your spouse). How would they react to a new person in your life at this time? Will they feel you are abandoning your spouse- and what feelings do they have about marriage and vows? Are they mature enough to understand you are a person that needs male companionship - or do they really strictly see you as mom and feel you have no need for romance?

wizmo

The incremental losses we suffer are many as our declining partners are no longer fulfilling our own needs and desires - emotional, intellectual, physical. Everything eventually becomes one-sided in the relationship. The caregiver gives everything and the PWD returns almost nothing, and has no awareness of this imbalance, no compassion, no gratitude. For myself I made the conscious choice that my commitment to DW meant not being distracted by outside interests at least until she was placed in memory care - which happened 7 years in when I just got burned out. Shortly after diagnosis at 52 she told me when she is gone I should find someone else, and I expect I will in time. We are both 60 now, presumably a long time left for me and probably not so long for her.

How would it even work is a good question. Does this friend know anything about the dementia journey, willing to participate in this mess with you, through the times ahead that are going to be even harder as progression happens? I would put less weight on judgement from others. Some of the best advice I ever received was that I should do what is best for me. Only you can decide what is best for you.

Kathryn1

Thank you so much wizmo for sharing your experience and insights.

Kathryn1

Thank you for your reply. Good questions to help me understand my situation. My children are 19 and 16. In a couple of years they will both be away at Uni. I think they would understand in the future. Although probably not yet.

l7pla1w2

This sounds like a very hard situation to navigate. My DW is now a dependent, not a partner. She is also clingy and manifests anxiety in the form of panic attacks if I leave her home alone (which I don't do anymore). Ironically, she believes that I have been away for a long time and that she lived alone during that period.

Is it possible to insinuate this man into your family gradually, probably first introducing him as a friend, so he becomes a regular presence in your life and theirs? Over time maybe you can find a way to be alone with him for awhile that would satisfy your need for interactions with an equal. Intimate relations would need to take a backseat for awhile.

I think you would need to proceed cautiously.

harshedbuzz

@Kathryn1

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

It's unfortunate that you find yourself in a kind of Schrodinger's Cat kind of marriage— married and yet without you husband at the same time. And doubly so as you both have been robbed of your future together at such a young age.

That said, the logistics of this seem harder given your sons ages. This is a tricky age for moms introducing a new partner especially for boys. They don't have the lived experience to parse the profound loss you're experiencing, as they likely have a more black & white romantic view of marriage. And they may not appreciate your need for someone special in your life. This could damage your relationship going forward if they see dad as a victim of your lack of loyalty.

If you do want to explore a deeper relationship with your friend, I would compartmentalize your life and keep your DH and DSs out of it. Normally I don't condone secrecy, but it might be kinder in this situation.

HB

Palmetto Peg

I totally understand how you feel. Your children will adjust, but can you live with the guilt? The idea of perhaps introducing this man as a friend probably won't work. Your husband will be suspicious and your children will be confused. I don't like keeping secrets, but that may be the only way this can possibly happen. Unless your new person totally understands dementia, it will be hard for him to understand why you can't be open in your relationship, and why divorce may not be an option. I would not do anything yet and would just let it play out a bit. We all want to be with equal partners, and we all want to be seen and heard, but a PWD isn't capable of giving us what we want and need so badly. You can always come here and let us know what is happening and ask for advice. The one thing I love about this board is there is absolutely no judgement ever! Have you thought at all about therapy to help you work through your conflicted feelings?

upstateAnn

I raise some questions. What kind of guy pursues a married woman with a husband with dementia? Would he do what you are doing for your husband? What would you do with your husband? I am not being judgemental. Just asking…

M1

Kathryn i think all of us who are losing life partners to this disease inevitably think about whether we will ever have another relationship. You are so young! At 68 I don't think i ever want the responsibility of another partnership. Yes i am lonely, but not in that way. And i was so, so lucky to have had a spectacularly good relationship with this partner, i don't feel open to anything else, the comparison wouldn't hold. At least, not now.

As QBC said, this comes up periodically and there are many possible outcomes, and thank goodness we can discuss it here without judgement. I remember one male member who found a new girlfriend, and the two of them cared for his wife with dementia until her death. But there weren't teenagers in the picture.

It's certainly a lot to think about. Would your new friend go with you to a family therapist or counselor to talk it through? I think that's probably what I would do before i acted on anything. But it would have to be the right counselor too.

midge333

We all come to this situation (spouse/partner with dementia) with different relationships. Not everyone has had a long and satisfying marriage. Some were on the verge of divorce at the time of diagnosis. Some were only briefly married at the time of diagnosis. I am lucky in that we have had a long, happy marriage. I can't imagine being a caregiver to someone that I did not have deep level of commitment to…

ghphotog

I think many of us wonder about that very thing. The woman I married is long gone and will never be back but I still love and care for her as she is now. I will never get married again but I also need "intelligent" conversation with someone that can relate to me and I her.

I have a friend, never married and no children, who over the years has always been genuinely concerned about me as a friend. She has always seemed to "get" me and we meet for coffee sometimes. She always wants to talk about me, how my wife is doing and whatever else is going on in my life. I've always been glad for her friendship. I don't know if she has romantic interest in me or is just being a good friend over the years. I enjoy her company and conversation but I don't know if I could actually be romantic right now until this is completely over but I think about it. We are in no-man's-land. Married but not married, widowed but not widowed.

Plus how would he feel around your family? Would it be awkward knowing your husband is still alive and your not divorced? Would it be technically an affair? Only you can make those choices and no one should judge you regardless as they have no idea what it's like to have walked in your shoes.