Terrible Family

husband12

My DW has been diagnosed with FTD. We have been married for 31 years. Over those years I enjoyed her family very much. I grew close to her parents and her younger brother. I helped her parents with minor maintenance, yard work etc. over the decades. I was best man at her younger brother's wedding. I helped him get his first two jobs which blossomed into a lucrative career, etc.. I was never close to her older brother, but he lived in another state so it didn't matter. As you know this disease changes everything. I've gone through hell the last year beyond what I would have ever imagined. When I was at my lowest, crying multiple times a day, on anti-depressants, grieving over every little piece I was losing of my DW, I received a phone call from her older brother. He said "I know you are poisoning my sister and I will have an autopsy performed when she dies". That was how he got started, he had other bad things to say that I won't bother repeating. Later, I spoke to my DW wife's widowed mother, who I loved and helped as much as I could, and she repeated some of the words her son spoke to me. I came unglued. I said stuff to her I should have never said. After caring for her for decades, fixing her broken stuff, going to all the holiday dinners, etc. she made it clear her son had poisoned her thinking. A guy that lived in another state, neglected her and her husband for years, yet like they say, blood IS thicker than water, no matter what the truth is. Still, later we patched things up and at least I still had her younger brother, who I loved like a little brother. Oh, but remember this disease changes everything, for the worse. Soon enough he was yelling "shut the f-up" at me. Yeah, I was his best man, loved his daughters, took care of his mom and dad's stuff when he should have, but didn't. Nope, didn't count for anything, including his sister. You see some people are naturally selfish. They accomplish big things in their career, buy big houses, have luxurious vacations, but inside they stink. You see it over the years in the form of neglect, arrogance, and other bothersome qualities. Still, you keep your relationship going, you talk, joke and put on a fond face at family gatherings. You know he wouldn't walk across a street to help another person, but it's nothing to be all that concerned about. Then I take his sister to the emergency room again, for the third time this year. He calls, acting all concerned. I spent a couple of hours in the emergency room and I called him and said, "hey, how about you come down the ER and help your sister?". That's when the conversation turned ugly. You see, I couldn't help but call him out. Over the last year he had seen his sister once, the last time she was dying (bleeding internally for 8 days in the hospital) for 1 hour. Yeah, he stopped by on his way home from work to see her. He drove a whole block off his route home to get there, so in my exhausted state I said "you know your going to regret not spending time with her after she passes". That's when I got the "shut the f-up" and then the click. Oh, but surely his mother would be pleasant after that type of treatment from her son. WRONG. Once again I found myself saying stuff to her I NEVER would have thought possible from my mouth. So, for others out there, this disease ruins everything. Buckle up buttercup, you are in for a ride for sure.

Sorry for the rant, but that's the reality.

loveskitties

It seems like the issues with the "family" are just being brought out into the open because of this disease. The interactions with these people you mention are not a product of the disease…those people were like that well before.

What your situation has done is brought issues into the light…made you take a good look at those who claim to be family…

It is hard to be alone when facing this disease and all it brings…but you are truly not alone…you have us…and who better to understand that a rant is sometimes needed and we are here to listen.

MelissaNH

I'm so sorry your in-laws are treating you so badly. My husband was just diagnosed, but I feel like I've been going through hell for over a decade watching his personality change. According to the neurologist, he has Pick's FTD. From all of my research, it is nearly a perfect match as to what I have observed and experienced all these years. Anyway, something that has been on mind these last few days is how little people understand what a nuclear family goes through in the years leading up to a diagnosis. I imagine most couples divorce and many nuclear families fall apart and for those who manage to stay together, the nuclear family has already gone through incredible psychological trauma and financial ruin. When I say "nuclear family" I am referring to the ones in the home who have witnessed a change that most others do not, including extended family. It's horrific. I mention this because I imagine this is what you've experienced too and they have no clue. It's so unfair and it's so messed up. It's like a psychological thriller. I am convinced some of these dementias happen long before the more noticeable symptoms begin to surface. It's devastating.

husband12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207839#Comment_207839

Thank you for tolerating my change in tone. You are right, the disease just made people's true character surface.

M1

Hi husband12, I'm so sorry for what her disease has brought to light. All of us experience the falling away of family and friends, but yours has been particularly dramatic. As hard as it is, let them go and mourn your losses in private. You know you are not poisoning your wife. It's so painful to lose support—this is a lonely, lonely path.

One suggestion I might make from my own past: you can always write letters to these family members to help process your feelings and express exactly what you want to say—but you don't have to send them. Just getting it down on paper helps sometimes.

BethL

I would block their phone numbers and estrange myself from these horrible people.

Beachfan

It’s said, “A guilty conscience needs no accuser”. Sounds like there is a lot of buried guilt spread amongst your DW’s family. And my favorite, “Don’t stoop to their level”. Save yourself. Don’t waste anymore emotional energy on them. They’re not worth it.

wose

Beachfan is spot on….take care of you and your DW. The last thing you need is negativity. This is hard enough on you. Don’t doubt yourself or your efforts on her behalf. You yourself know your true heart and character. Don’t let this disease pick away at your self worth and for heaven sake, forgive yourself for your words.

CStrope

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207844#Comment_207844

and @husband12 , I agree that nobody that doesn't witness it day in and day out thinks the diagnosis is just not possible. When I finally got the FTD diagnosis for my DH, I called his best friend to discuss it with him, as we were getting ready to get together socially. He told me that he'd prefer to not discuss DH with me, that his conversations would be with his friend as it had always been. I was so hurt that he would think that I wasn't able to speak for DH in these situations. As time went on and DH progressed, the bestie understood that the diagnosis was real, and I was not exaggerating his symptoms. He has now been the best possible friend to both DH and me.

Moral of the story is that especially since FTD causes such personality changes, that the family, friends, etc that aren't living it every day can overlook the things we have to deal with. And yes, MelissaNH many couples do get a divorce because of FTD because the symptoms are so subtle and so disturbing to the afflicted person's normal personality. I spent 3 years considering divorce. I remember asking my husband to go to therapy with me and he looked at me and said he'd rather just divorce me!! I was shocked and hurt. Now it all makes sense.

CindyBum

Hi husband12. I am so very sorry. When I started noticing changes in my DW, we had her mother with dementia living with us. When I told my DWs sisters that I was concerned about the workload on my DW in taking care of her mother and my DWs inability to manage her mother's medicine, remember appointments and even drive, they accused me and my DW of mistreating their mother. None of them took their mother in, we'd been doing 24/7 care with her for 2 years, my DW was super close with her mom, but the minute I wanted a small boundary to protect my DWs health, it was somehow us mistreating a 93year old woman. I was so damn pissed at them and will never be able to forget it.

I finally had a therapist help me realize those family members aren't capable of being any better than they are and that me wasting my energy on them hurt me more than them. It still hurts and I won't spend any time with them if I can avoid it, but to hell with those a-holes and to your little group of selfish wonders too!

jfkoc

It is truly amazing what happens to families. Mine is not exception.

Please know in your heart that you did all that you did because of who you are.

Also please know that this is a large virtual family and you are an official member!

-Judith

husband12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207867#Comment_207867

Yes, good advice. This rant was kinda like doing that.

husband12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207936#Comment_207936

Judith, thank you that is comforting.

husband12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207839#Comment_207839

Well thank you so much for saying that. Writing the rant helps, hearing the positive support helps a lot more.

husband12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207929#Comment_207929

Yes, it is a wonder how there are people that get uglier when they see you are down. I always knew there were sadistic tendencies in these people, but I never expected they would be like that at the expense of their sister and daughter.

SSHarkey

This makes me so sad for you. I agree with Beachfan. Don’t stoop to their level. With the attitude they are giving you, I would not make any effort to keep them informed. If they want information they can ask for it politely. And make sure they do not have access to her medical information without your consent. Their true colors have come out.

Pat6177

husband12, I’m sorry for the family that you married into. You don’t say anything about your wife’s feelings toward her family. Is she still asking to see them? Or are you able to stay away from her family without her noticing? I just want to mention the use of fiblets if she does ask to see them. Comments like “oh your brother is traveling. We’ll get together with them when they return” Yes, it puts even more pressure on you. Caregiving can be so difficult.

husband12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/207980#Comment_207980

My wife understands her brothers are not there for her and they are mean to us. She is still very close to her Mom, and there's no way I will ever neglect her Mom (she's 87 and widowed), no matter how many times she parrots her sons. My wife's Dad would do that, and he was my mentor. I'll just do the best I can each day. Thanks for the advice and concern.