Bitter Sweet

NUMber2

Today is my LO's last day in her house. She doesn't really understand time any longer so she won't be upset until that moment of clarity and understanding occurs.

I've lived with her here in SC for 1 month now. I'm 1000 miles away from my home. I just want to go home to my life and I feel relieved that day is almost here. I feel sad, scared and guilty too.

She tried living by me in a SL community for 7 months. She was miserable almost every day. No matter how much I did for her, it was never enough. There was so much complaining, crying, fighting etc… I did everything I could to try to make her happy, but nothing worked. It was a very toxic existence for both of us. I was getting myself sick and causing stress in my marriage. My kids started to resent her for causing us so much grief.

After 6 months the SL place in WI suggested she move to a place that offered more support. We looked at 10+ different places near me but nothing offered her the sunshine she craved.

After 6 months of hearing how cold it was in WI, how she felt like a fish out of water being there, how she missed my brother, the warmth, and THE SUNSHINE, she finally moved back to SC to try it here.

She loves being here in SC but we have been in her house for the past month. She really doesn't want to move out of her home but she occasionally understands why it's for the best. She knows that the alternative is back to WI. and though she appreciates the option she still hates the idea. She's lived in SC for almost 40 years.. this is her comfort zone. (I completely understand…her memories are here)

If I come back to get her and bring her backk to WI, I'm bringing back the very least…we've moved her stuff twice now and we're not doing it anymore!!! (Not all of her stuff, just a carload)

My brother, her POA, is going through his own crisis. She will not receive the same care from him that my husband and I provided her but then again that came at a cost.

I appreciate the fact that my mom had this opportunity to go back home for a month (no matter how many times we argued) And I appreciate that she has the opportunity to try AL now in SC. There's going to be more support in the sunshine.

However, I'm NOT feeling too keen on being 1000 miles away from her again. But I am feeling good about having space for my own psyche, my marriage and our mother daughter relationship.

It's all so bitter sweet.

SarahNC

I had the "gift" of watching my mom take care of my Grandmother through her battle with Alzheimer's while I was a teen and young adult. During that time, my mom articulated some things that she wanted me to know for if she ever needed that kind of care. She, of course, doesn't remember that time or those conversations anymore. One of these was "what's best for you will be what is best for me." She knew that the total disruption to her life while she was trying to follow her mother's wishes ended up hurting her, me and my siblings, and her marriage. I've tried to focus on that in my decision-making when there are hard choices to make. It's been helpful, and I've told my children the same thing.

mabelgirl

I can appreciate how you must feel. I am in process of moving my mom to a facility. I long for peace and tranquility back in my home. I know she’ll be safe and taken care of there and that helps lessen the guilt and worry.

Prayers for peaceful adjustments.

Daisie

I'm toying with these emotions, too. My mom is living with me and has been. I'm single, no kids, and I work from home. It was great up until the last several months when she started to drastically decline. She's 90 and probably in between stage 4 and 5 of dementia. She's at the point where she can still bathe, dress, etc., but if I don't cook, I notice she won't eat or makes poor diet choices (bread, ice cream, Wherther's candies, Fanta). Her sense of time is skewed, and she thinks I'm her long-lost daughter that no one knows about (I'm not). It's so hard on me emotionally and physically. I don't have any family to turn to (no siblings, another parent - my dad passed in 2007, aunts, uncles, etc.). It's just me. I feel so horrible for starting to "shop" for a memory care facility, but this isn't sustainable. It's going to destroy me and I can't have that happen. I need to be able to work and support myself financially and have a social life. I need to look towards my retirement and be able to save. Right now, I can't. As her needs continue to grow, the more my life will shrink. It feels awful, but it's gotta be what's best for me will be what's best for her, as SarahNC else mentioned above. And I know she'll be properly taken care of, have social interaction, have activities, etc. I can't provide all of that. But it's hard grappling with these complex emotions! It's exhausting (and she doesn't understand why I am always passing out on the couch by 3pm!).

psg712

Balancing good care for our LO with our own needs and other relationships is hard, but worth it. You need a life now and after your LO is no longer with you.

SarahNC, thanks for your perspective. What a gift your mom offered from her experience. My decision to place my mom was influenced in part by the needs of my young son and my concerns about having him experience the ravages of Alzheimers up close in his own home. He still sees her regularly but her decline is not constantly in his face. He watched his other grandmother fade in our home for his first seven years, but she had normal aging issues and they could still have an interactive relationship.

NUMber2. Be patient with yourself. You have done so much for your mom. You've got to be exhausted in so many ways. Go home and rest. Hugs for you.

NUMber2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208176#Comment_208176

What a beautiful message! Thank you SarahNC! ❤️

NUMber2

Peace to you too. ❤️

NUMber2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208205#Comment_208205

If we could just remove the guilt, this journey would seem to be a bit easier to handle. I think I'm going to join a caregivers group through the Alzheimer’s Association when I get back home.

But I'm holding tight to Sarah's post "what's best for you will be what is best for me."

Sending you peace…💜

Daisie

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208214#Comment_208214

Yes! It's the overwhelming, pervasive guilt that just makes me personally question everything I'm doing!

NUMber2

Thank you for sending words of strength and support!

"Be patient with yourself" it's so hard but I know you're right!

I think you did right by your mom and for your son. Our folks are all so lucky that we care and that we can care…even if it's sprinkled with arguments now and then!

((🫂 ))

NUMber2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208220#Comment_208220

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208215#Comment_208215

That's why this group is so important! Your relationship is unique to you and your LO but the situations, the experiences, I think we're all very similar.

We're all trying to do our best for our LO and keep our lives in balance- within reason. 😉

You are amazing and strong!

yarnball

Many words of support and wisdom here. I think I will have to get Adult Protective Services involved in order to get Mom to a MC facility. And, that just makes me so very very sad. I hate all this. I read something that has been helpful for me: You're not doing this TO her, you're doing it FOR her.

NUMber2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208300#Comment_208300

I think I have so much guilt because I could have always done more if I wasn't such a "baby"…. and if I could just let go of the resentment. (SO MUCH RESENTMENT!)

I can't seem to balance the chaos that is her life and my own mess. (Especially when she doesn't like how I do it) But I keep trying:

• "Dig a little deeper, try a little harder. She may be gone tomorrow so enjoy this time together no matter what. Fake it till you make it etc...."

Combine my LO's actual needs with her neverending requests, my brother's lack of support-period, my husband's constant reminder that we deserve a life and I'm torn, stressed, and not very nice to be around.

Stir that all together, sprinkle it with her ongoing pain, her crying, her frustration etc…and I feel guilt!