Concern for parents mom is showing memory loss

katboston

My parents still live in thier home. They are able to do thier adls and drive.
My dad is 89 and mom is 84.
My mom is showing memory loss angry and not able to navigate reading mail and paying bills.
I am not sure what to do next week.
I have been avoiding getting too involved with Dr appts etc. We work hard on keeping them independent as long as we can.
I fear this is coming to an end. I am not sure how to get mom a diagnosis without upsetting her. Plus moving forward to take over tge finances without ger feeling like I am intruding.
I am in the sandwich phase of my life plus I have my own health issues. I am the sole caregiver.
Anyone have suggestions on next steps?
I try to see them every other week for a few hours.
I am not sure how to step the visits and still care for my own home family.
Any suggestions are welcome

psg712

Kat, welcome. I hope that you find the information and support here that you need. This forum has been so helpful for me in caring for my mom.

You didn't mention how your dad is doing. Is your mom a caregiver for him? One of the first things to do is make sure you have durable power of attorney and health care POA for each of them. DPOA will allow you to manage finances and legal needs for them. Health care POA should let you in on medical situations. Even before you have HC POA, you can express your concerns to her doctor- preferably before a visit so he/she has a heads up that some cognitive assessment is in order.

If your mom is having trouble managing her bills, how is she doing with medications? How does she handle grocery shopping and cooking? Locking her doors at night? If she is driving, have you ridden along lately to see how she's doing with road safety and directions?

How far do they live from you? My mom (widowed) was 400 miles away when I became aware that she could no longer handle her bills, among other issues. I put most routine bills on autopay. Later had her mail forwarded to me, because she thought that every mail solicitation was a bill she was obligated to pay. She was angry when she found out, but it had to be done.

It's a lot to think about, but even without memory issues, your folks are at an age where you need to start planning for the time when they cannot handle all aspects of life independently. It's really hard. Others will have more suggestions for you. We are here for you.

H1235

I agree with psg712. I will add… The longer you wait on the durable power of attorney the less likely they will be considered competent to sign. If that doesn’t work a guardianship would be necessary and that is much more involved. Is your mom still driving? If so I would would make it a priority to stop that. Is your dad taking over bills, does he need help? It still might be a good idea to see what their finances look like. Do they currently do online banking? If not I would set it up so you can see what’s happening. What are your dads feelings about your moms memory? I definitely think it’s time to attend doctors appointments with them. I’m not sure how you are going to manage getting everything figured out without putting in a lot more time with them. As far as how to do this without upsetting your mom, that might not be possible. People with dementia often have anosognosia. This mean they don’t see their own deficits. They think everything is fine. My mom who has fallen 6 times in 6 months is angry we won’t let her mow the lawn. Down the road they may be able to give her something to help with the anger if necessary. How would they feel about assisted living? Is that an option for them financially? A call to their local commission on aging may help. You have a lot of work ahead of you. I have found this forum a great resource for a very difficult journey.