Communication help with angry paranoid delusions

adelia

Hi, I'm new here. I'm in a somewhat unusual situation in that I live on the25-acre property of a friend with dementia. We've been friends for 40 years. When I moved into the rental cottage up the hill from his house, I could see the signs of short-term memory loss. Since then he's declined a lot especially rapidly in the last 4 months. He's 77 years old, was an MD (very very smart), and is undiagnosed and untreated. He has never wanted help or to be diagnosed as he's paranoid of his driver's license being taken away. When he was an MD he took plenty of driver's licenses away from others. He lives alone, spends most every day all alone, and although he used to work on the property, now he mostly walks around picking up sticks and weeds, leafblows, and burns them every night (sometimes unsafely). For 3 years I've helped him on his property, reminding him to water, calling plumbers, and on and on. Since I was here, I could see what needed to be done. He has a brother in the area part-time who now has durable power of attorney who loves having me here and now compensates me some. The older brother wants to help him but has no idea what to do. A couple times in the past two years he showed some paranoid delusions, but they went away. Now in the past four months, he has them ALL the time, and now the angry delusions are directed toward ME. And lately with threats, of how he's going to make it hard on me until I move away. Something I never expected or was prepared for. He is sure that I (along with his best male friend who comes to visit every few months) have called the DMV to get his license taken away, are out to get him and have screwed him over so he wants me to move out. Me moving out has become the main focus of his anger and I seem to trigger it every time he sees me. Instead of helping him with things now I try to avoid seeing him. He doesn't want help anyway. And he still does drive. A few months ago I had to rescue him off his roof — he'd fallen while leafblowing wet leaves at dark (he shows some sundowner's?) and couldn't remember how to get off. He also almost blew himself up with gas about 4 months ago while igniting a leaf pile. Just to give examples of where he's at. I live in an area where it's challenging to find another place to live (quickly) so I'm trying to buy time and see if something changes or if I need to leave. I don't feel physically threatened….yet. But am aware of my options (i.e. call 911 and tell them he has dementia) if I feel physically threatened. He approaches me every few days to find out when I'm moving because of what I've "done to him" so I've learned to not respond to the accusations, just listen, explain how I"ve been his friend for 40 years and the things I've helped him with, then I use short phrases I repeat like (I'm working on it), then I write him a note that I live here until July. He seems calmer after getting the note and doesn't try to bully me or get really angry (he has notes all over his house). My question is….. (sorry about the long background)….. does these kind of angry paranoid delusions ever change? As in….change to a different delusion? I understand that many take Seroquel for it, but he won't even go to the doctor. It amazes me how his brain can forget everything short-term (even more long-term memories are mixed up now) yet can focus on this delusion like a pitbull on this one thing. Any help in communicating with this situation will be much appreciated. Thank you so much! I'm a 70-year old woman and have never been around dementia before. I also suggested to his brother that he please call the primary doctor and tell her of the situation. I probably posted this to the wrong category but I'm not sure how to move it or repost it, or even what category to put it in. Thanks for your helpl!

M1

welcome to the forum. This sounds like an unsafe situation for all involved, but especially for you. does he have guns on the property? Do you have a lease—even an old one?

The answer to your question is that no, the delusions generally don't go away or get better on their own. You may need to call 911 and have him taken in for psychiatric admission as a danger to himself and others. Don't hesitate to do this, and I would be extremely cautious about answering the door, etc. You should have your cell phone with you at all times and have a safe place you can lock yourself up if needed.

adelia

Okay, thanks for your feedback. He has guns in his house, or used to. I've asked his brother to somehow get the guns out of his house. But his brother doesn't like to create any "conflicts". I absolutely carry my cell at all times when out of the house.

I don't have a lease. It's all oral agreement. I was wondering if a person would stay fixated on the SAME delusion or do they come up with new ones as time goes on.

hiya

Is his brother fully aware of the decline and behaviors you are seeing and experiencing? If not, I would definitely enlighten him and ask if he can take him to a Dr. Knowing his brother has possibility of access to guns I would tell him you do not feel safe. Be careful. A good Dr, can definitely prescribe meds to help these situations but meanwhile you need to protect yourself. Also, if a dangerous situation arises, whether it’s you feeling unsafe or your friends unsafe behaviors and delusions, maybe you should call the police and ask if they can take him to hospital for a psyc evaluation. Best of luck.

BassetHoundAnn

I'm so sorry you're going through this Adelia. How horrible. Paranoid delusions are common in dementia. At one point my mother became fixated on her best friend of 30 years, accusing her of breaking into her house at night and rearranging her belongings and stealing things like old mops and vacuum cleaners. The friend lived not far away and had been visiting her every day to check on her and help her with things. At one point my mom was threatening to call the police and get a gun and shoot her. This was so unlike my mother! Every time I talked to my mom she would obsess over how her friend was breaking into her house. There was nothing I could do to calm her down or convince her otherwise. This lasted about a year until I moved my mom out of her house. Then she had other things to fixate on and obsess over. She forgot all about her crazy accusations and once again became fond of her old friend.

If I were you Adelia I would move out of there ASP. Because the guy has guns and his mind is broken. And you have no idea how long it will take for his family to get a clue and get him into a safer environment.

Dementia does cause some men to grow uncharacteristically violent. My uncle, a formerly meek man, was threatening aids in his memory care. He was bounced between several memory care facilities for that reason until medication calmed him down.

One of the best things my mom's friend did was to call me and tell me that my mom was threatening her, and it was time that I move her to memory care. I suggest you call the doctor's brother and describe the situation.

eaglemom

You are in a very precarious situation. Sadly I doubt the delusions will get any better without medical intervention. Equally, they possibly could get worse. Add guns to the situation and its simply a recipe for disaster. But, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

Personally I would have a heart to heart with his brother, again. Share your concerns & observations. State that you would like to continue to stay, but unless he steps up to his brother he is forcing you to leave. You have to protect yourself & your not in a safe situation. (I realize you said its difficult to find someplace, I'd start looking NOW. At least someplace to go quickly until you find someplace permeant. Yes, it stinks for you.)

Keep your phone on you at all times and your car keys. That way you can quickly get away from the situation, should it ever occur.

eagle

harshedbuzz

@adelia

In your shoes, I would find somewhere else to live. I can appreciate that this symbiotic relationship has worked well for a time, but it is no longer safe for you.

Delusions and weapons are a volatile mix. Having a phone on your person could quickly become a phone on your body in an instant. And if police responded and were met with a gun, he could be shot or become enmeshed in the local justice system without a diagnosis which would be tragic as well.

The driving is a whole other issue. Would you be OK if he kills someone driving knowing he should have been stopped? Would his brother be able to fund his care if he lost everything in a lawsuit related to an accident?

I would have a come to Jesus with the POA and bow out. If the brother takes no action, the nuclear option is to contact APS and share your observations.

HB

adelia

Thank you all for your comments. Yes I keep his brother updated constantly. And I talk to him every month face to face about everything that's happening. I've asked him to call the primary doctor and tell her what's happening. Right now he's out of town up at his other property in Washington. I'm in California.

And I'm definitely looking for another place to live just because of all the unknowns going on. Whether he'll become violent etc. It's good to know that the fixated delusions can last until treatment or moving to a different location. There will be a crisis of some kind, most certainly, like a car accident. Which is really unfortunate. I intend not to be part of the crisis. Thank you!

MarieES

Please consider notifying Adult Protective Services if his son doesn't seek help. This man needs protection from himself and those around him need protection too. It's not a fun position to be in, but it's too important to get help, so everyone will be safe. He won't understand why he may need protection, but it's best for everyone. God forbid he hurts someone seriously. Please be safe and know you would be doing the right thing for your friend.

Emily 123

It sounds like there's a lot of opportunities to get himself into serious trouble. He is not safe to live alone as he can't rescue himself.

I think you're smart to have started to look for a new place. You've been trying to get his brother to take up his responsibilities and solve this problem with little forward motion. His inability to fulfill his POA's responsibilities, or indeed to even remove the guns from the home, leaves you in an untenable situation that could go south very, very quickly. Your friend's thought processes and reactions are at the mercy of a disease that removes his brain's ability to gatekeep

Dementia will affect how a person takes in and processes information (thus the delusions), and because their memory is affected they won't recall prior conversations--you may get a new reaction to telling him the same information each time. The ability to use reasoning and logic disappears. Memories are erased chronologically from most recent to oldest. At some point he won't be able to recognize you at 70, though he may be able to recognize you in a picture from years ago. Effectively you become a stranger. He may not know who you are or why you're on the property. That's not a good mix.

You're smart to know that you're a trigger. Advice here tends to be to remove things that trigger the PWD.

BassetHoundAnn

There have been several tragic stories like this in the news. How paranoid dementia sufferers get guns into assisted living/memory care is anyone's guess.

https://lawandcrime.com/crime/a-95-year-old-man-is-charged-with-murder-after-shooting-an-assisted-living-facility-worker-in-the-head-police/

harshedbuzz

https://people.com/pa-man-84-accused-of-killing-wife-argument-over-veterinary-bill-8408378