He hates adult day care - now what?

Daughter of a Marine

Just reaching out to this amazing community and hoping for some insight. My DH is 76 and diagnosed with Dementia about 13 yrs ago. Progression has been slow but recently has escalated with severe confusion, agitation and paranoia (is sure people, lawn care workers, people walking their dogs, etc) are stealing from us. Lately he has become extremely resistant to going to adult day care (goes 2 x week). When we get there, he threatens to walk home - he has attempted this once already. I desperately need this time and do not want to give it up since when he's home I can't take my eyes off of him for 5 minutes, but I'm at a loss as to how to handle this. When I pick him up, it seems he's had a good day and the workers tell me he has but dropping him off has become a nightmare. Anyone have experience with this behavior and if so, what did you do?

M1

Is he on medication for the agitation and paranoia? Probably worth discussing with his docs. This is where Seroquel or Risperdal could be a big help without oversedating him.

Ernie123

My DW was like this years ago when I would attempt to take her to daycare. Very resistant, argumentative. I learned to not say where we were going. Just get her coat, say we were going for a drive. Then when we got there I would not respond to questions, just smile and take her elbow, say there is someone wants to see us in here….Once there she was always fine and enjoyed it.

There is never any point in trying to explain, or have discussion to resolve something. Their brains no longer work but we have the habit of trying to talk things through like before. Rational discussions don’t work anymore. Just smile, tell fibs and carry on. If you show signs of frustration, anger or impatience they will pick up on that. Their cognitive brain does not work but the emotional one does overtime and reacts to your emotions too.

Not easy is it.

My DW is now in LTC in the final stages, but she is peaceful, no longer agitated with the world.

terei

I would initially not say where you are going. When you get there, if he objects, you may try telling him ‘ you know, they really need your help here with (insert something he is good at) organizing, helping with other attendees(pushing wheelchair or whatever) Present it as if he is not a client but a helper to them.

Appropriate meds would help this too, IMO

Jo C.

What a disappointment and concern this must be for you. Daycare can sometimes take a bit of time to adjust to the new place, new people and the activity and noise. That is understandable considering the changes within his brain. Helpful things would be for you to attend with him for four or five times . . . . also after one or two visits, if it is something he would find a positive, have him become a staff "helper" with an occasional "job." Daycare staff usually are quite used to that. He may feel positive being a working person. Such as setting up chairs, tables, handing out papers or other items, putting items away, etc. That has had some good results for some of our Members Loved Ones to feel they are working there.

Once he is adapted, you can begin to cut your attendance to only an hour or so for a few times, then no need to attend any longer as he would have adapted to that "threatening" place filled with new people. He hopefully would have made friends in one way or another and have settled due to adjusting to the new dynamics.

A treat for attending, IF he stays for the session - such as getting an ice cream on the way home, or some other nice treat every once in awhile, (not every time), can also be helpful in the beginning.

It often takes a bit of time to become fully accepted, but when it comes together, it can be a big plus for both of you. I send best wishes that this will work out soon as a big plus.

J.

l7pla1w2

I went through something similar with DW. I had her going to a day program 3 days a week. She could never remember what she did, but she said she enjoyed it and liked the leaders. The program ran from 10:00 to 2:30. After several weeks, DW started "sundowning" after lunch, saying she wanted to go home and saying she would walk. (It's 7 miles.) The leaders tried many things to engage or distract her, but nothing worked, and they asked me to pick up DW around 1.

I decided to drop the program, because I was netting about 2 hrs of respite time and 80 minutes of travel time. I'm back to thinking about home health care aides.

Daughter of a Marine

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/208521#Comment_208521

Thank you for your thoughts, M1 - he takes 50mg of Seroquel at night - nothing for agitation during the day. Daytime agitation is usually related to his belief that even someone walking their dog past our house is up to no good, and will likely steal from us. Constantly locking doors (I have keys hidden outside),Argues every night about putting on his pull up.

M1

I bet you could easily add a 25 mg dose earlier in the day....