Moving to MC

dangmona

Is there a time suggested to discuss a move with my wife. Some have said in advance of the move others says just wait till you’re at the facility moving in. Help

PookieBlue

I don’t give my DH advanced notice when going to weekly adult day cate. Previous repercussions have precluded me from doing this. I just get him to the car and when he asks where we’re going I tell him we have some shopping or errands to run. He’s become more accepting of this over the months.

ghphotog

I didn't tell my wife where we were going. I pulled into the parking lot and the administrator and head nurse were waiting for us. She thought they were friends and was glad to see them. They took it from there. Most heartbreaking thing I've ever done but there really wasn't any other way.

GothicGremlin

I didn't give my sister advance warning of the move to memory care. I had a friend of hers distract her outside in the courtyard (they went through a photo album), while me, my s.o. and my sister's best friend set up her room. When we were done, we had staff go get her, and then we left. It was horrible, but I know it could have been much, much worse.

It took her about a month to acclimate.

M1

Welcome to the forum. As much as your heart probably longs to have that discussion with her, don't. She is likely to not understand it and to be upset by it. she will also not remember that you ever had the discussion.

My partner has been in MC for two years after not recognizing me and making threats of violence against me over arguing about driving. To this day she doesn't know why she's there. But she also no longer remembers that we ever lived together (we've been together for 30 years). Home now merely means "with me" or her childhood home in Texas.

You don't have to tell her anything. Let the staff meet you at the door and take their lead. Most will have you bring her in time for a morning activity or a midday meal. Depending on her level of awareness, you can say nothing at all, or the doctor wants her there for rehab/until her health improves. The staff will also help you figure out when and how frequently to visit at first.

it's never easy. Hope it goes well.

Vitruvius

I did not discuss the move to MC with my DW. I see no upside to having such a discussion. Some PWD respond negatively to the move, but many others, my DW included, do not even seem to notice they are in a new environment. I fully expected my DW to feel hurt or betrayed by placement. But this did not happen, she was clearly further along than I had comprehended. She seemed fine with it from the beginning. She did wonder where I was for awhile, but not in a way that troubled her. Home was a trigger for anxiety, confusion, and agitation, it seemed she had a feeling she should be doing something there but couldn't understand what it would be. When she moved to the MCF the structure of activities, socializing and attention calmed her noticeably and this I think went a long way to her not reacting negatively.

mrahope

Unfortunately, we were forced to have this discussion with my DH because his PCP did not agree with us about MC placement and literally phoned DH to tell him we were going to "commit him to an institution forever". This provoked a discussion between myself, my DS (his POA) and DH. My DH didn't really understand and said that he was going to travel back to his home country (thousands of miles away) and than he'd return and enter MC. It was awful.

Fortunately for us, two other doctors DID agree that he was ready for MC, especially as he'd rejected adult day care and in-home caregivers repeatedly. The MC staff helped us by visiting him twice and offering him a job as a "consultant" at the facility. DH (who had, ironically, been a clinical psychologist) seemed to accept this and they drove him to the MC. He's been there ever since.

Just my .02 here. If you are forced to discuss this, be as honest as you can. However, I would under no circumstances do this unless you have no other alternative. Also, feel free to lean on the expertise of any MC staff who can help. This is their job after all, and "not their first rodeo" (as the saying goes).

Jazzma

My husband was occasionally pretty lucid. I told him I wanted to show him a cool place I had visited, then left him there talking with other people. For me, that was a mistake. The moment I closed the door I started crying hysterically realizing that he was 'there' enough to wonder why I left him. He was there for two months and ultimately adjusted pretty well.

I brought him home for 10 days before placing him in another facility that was better for both of us. This time I talked with him about it for several days, telling him that I had to go into the hospital for a week or so and I wanted him to stay there so he wouldn't be home alone. He forgot between conversations, of course, but the morning of the move he was pretty clear and accepting.

I think it depends on how aware your spouse is (truly, not just how aware you'd like them to be) and how you will feel about it. It was much harder on me than on him. Many people here helped me with the sadness and guilt of placing him. Wishing you the best in this awful situation.