New drained and confused.

krusteez10

My mom is 84 and moderate stage.i am an only child and she move into our home nearly a year ago.
I have severe anxiety over her diagnosis. Some days you can't even see symptoms and other days whew! Obvious noticeable. So some days I think diagnosis is wrong and other days I know. It's a heck of a Rollercoaster.
It's so difficult to understand it's not her and it isn't personal. I guess part of the time (because of good days) I'm in denial. My daughter in law assures me in conclusion with her physicians. I.feel like I should be doing thing to make her better and that isn't an option. I get my feelings hurt so easily and logically I
know but emotionally it's killing me. Confused and unable to get a solid grip on the task at hand is impossible because it changes so rapidly. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Suggestions are welcome. Thank you in advance. Waiting patiently. Hope you all have great evening.

M1

Welcome to the forum. What you are doing is very hard, and not everyone is cut out to be a full time caregiver. There is no shame in that. Have you considered other options like assisted living or memory care? Can you afford to bring in some home help so that you get some breaks? Some people with dementia respond quite well to nonfamily caregivers. Your physical and mental health matter too.

H1235

Just adding on to what M1 said. An AL facility offers activities, other people her age to talk with and some independence with her own living space. When we think of caregiving people don’t always consider the emotional abuse a pwd can dish out. If she is in AL someone else can be the heavy and make her take a shower when she doesn’t want to and you are left to be her daughter. Have you asked her doctor about medication that might help with the moods?

harshedbuzz

@krusteez10

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

I'm a little confused about what you are asking exactly.

Are you struggling with coming to a place of acceptance of the disease. You mention that she has a mix of days in which she is quite symptomatic and others when she is much less so. There could be a couple of things behind this. One could be that you are in a denial phase as you process your new normal. Denial is the first stop on the Kubler-Ross 5 Stages of Grief if you buy into that concept. Or it could be that mom is showtiming (temporarily holding it together with a visitor or at a doctor's office for example) at those times which can make a caregiver question themselves. Or it maybe you're just prone to observing mom those rosier lenses than others around you.

Or are you upset by certain uncharacteristic or extreme behaviors that are upsetting or hurtful towards you? It's pretty typical of some PWD to be suspicious and accusatory or to lose their social filter and become wildly inappropriate. Depression and anxiety can often look like irritability and even aggression in some people. There are medications that can help a PWD with anxiety/depression which can dampen down the upsetting behaviors.

Or is it the sheer workload and the feelings of responsibility for her care, safety and happiness? Are you a person who feels called to be a hands-on caregiver or would it be better to delegate some of that to in-home aides, a few days a week at a day program or moving to a MCF? FWIW, sometimes a MCF where the environment and care is dementia informed can be better for some than a busy household. Sometimes more intimate kinds of care are better tolerated when delivered by professionals rather than when offered in the context of a parent-child dynamic.

This is hard stuff.
HB

concerned_sister

You mentioned "…Confused and unable to get a solid grip on the task at hand". One of our many wise contributors has stressed safety first in our decisions on behalf of a loved one. When accessing her stage, judge her by her worst days, and plan for her needs and safety based on that. You can use the staging tool that is included at this link.

Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf (tala.org)

With your mother in moderate stage she is likely unable to make decisions for herself, due to loss of executive function. In my brother's situation, I among the siblings was tagged with helping him get in to the right doctors to get a diagnosis. That evolved in to making sure he no longer drives, and helping with his finances.

Other "tasks" can include making sure the home is safe. Look for things that can be a tripping hazard, make sure cleaning fluids etc. are safely stored, never near consumables.

Here is a link that helped with my learning curve:

https://youtu.be/Ccn_Wo0foeE

I'm sure other wise folks will come along to help.

Hellogirl5

This is a great video.