Suggestions are appreciated

Barnes1

My Dad has Alzheimer’s and my mom has just been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.she has been feeling ok until last week and is in hospital now. My Dad always wants to be with my Mom(agreat love story), but he is quite advanced. I have brought him to see her the past two days but yesterday was such a bad day for him,and I’m wondering if it does more harm than good for him to see her in the hospital? Scrambling for care with a company, and not sure when she will come home but when he sees her his face gets worried(normal), and of course he gets sad.yesterday he was wanting to drive(hasn’t in two years), and wanted his keys-asking over and over for where the car is and his wallet,keys. He isn’t on any meds due to far progression,so that’s not an option as far as i understand.so should I bring him to see his wife of 50 years, or wait until she comes home? Thank you for any help.

Hope5757

Hello,

I’m sorry you (and your parents) are in this situation.

Would your father ask to go see your mother if you stopped taking him now? I have found with my MIL, that she has very little empathy at later stage dementia. And not taking her would not be an issue as she could be redirected.

But if your dad is able to worry and want to help (that’s what’s driving the desire to drive I think), he might be more middle stage where redirecting is more difficult.

How about a lie? “She’s going to be released today so we’ll wait at home”. “Oops, doctors want to run one more test. She’ll be home tomorrow so we’ll wait at home,”

The other concern is also whether your mom wants to see him. If his visits exhaust her, I’d definitely try to figure out a way to limit the visits.

M1

Welcome to the forum. And i am so sorry that you are dealing with such serious issues for both parents.

For the shorter term question of should you take him to visit, i would say no. Too disorienting for him, and likely exhausting for her. Not to mention the ongoing risk of infection exposure in hospitals, among others. I think the strategy of deferral is better. He likely has little sense of time, so although he may sense her absence, he won't realize the duration.

The bigger issue is going to be that if your mom has been his primary caregiver up until now, she probably can no longer continue in that role. This is more common than you might think, about a third of primary caregivers die before their demented spouse, and what the heck do you do then? If you haven't had to have a backup plan before, you sure do need one now. That applies to their powers of attorney too, etc. I hope you can come up with a workable solution. Keep us posted.

harshedbuzz

I am so sorry you have this terrible situation. I would defer to your mom on this.

I can appreciate that historically they've shared a "love story" but at this time your dad is not the same as he was pre-dementia and his bond with your mom is likely as much about mom being the preferred person who functions like a security object as it is affection for her.

So often in dementia, the needs of the caregiving spouse are subsumed into what's best for the PWD. It's about her at the moment. Sadly, she may need to focus on her own care emotionally, physically and spiritually rather than being dad's "person" right now. If she's up for it, she may want to complete some bucket list items and if she's not, she's going to need significant hands-on assistance.

Day to day care of dad may need to look different now. One concern that I have is dad doesn't sound like he would easily accept care from you or some professional caregivers if he knew mom was home. My mom was terminal when dad was at this stage, but she struggled after her TKR because he had zero empathy for how she was feeling. I'm not sure if that was a function of forgetting her recent surgery, not understanding her needs in recovery or if he had just progressed to not caring about anyone but him. We used her surgery to introduce HHAs, but he wouldn't cooperate for them or leave mom alone if she needed to rest. In retrospect, he should have gone into respite care for the duration and visited him as she was up to it.

You'll also need to have your Plan B fleshed out so that dad's care is in place when and if she can no longer be his person.

HB