Only Child of Parent with Alzheimer’s

sbmcallister

I am really struggling with kindness vs. truth. Finally tried telling a story and it backfired. I am 53 and my father died in 2021. My mother has Alzheimer’s and was just moved from independent living to assisted. She is so mean to me. Really have a hard time with this. Was never a mama’s girl. Dad hung the moon. Just so frustrated. How do you get past reason and correcting your family member to just let them say what they say, agree, and move on to another subject?

H1235

It’s so hard! Mom mom is moving to AL this weekend. I took her to a hair appointment today and she barely spoke to me. When I told I would see her Sunday for the move she responded with “why do you need to be here for that”. She resents her loss of independence and takes a lot of it out on me, since I’m the one taking everything away. The doctor recently started on some new medication, I’m hopeful that will help. It can’t be comfortable for her to be so angry all the time. Maybe it’s time for you to ask the doctor about something to help her moods. Good luck to you.

Anonymousjpl123

I literally have so much in common with you! It does get easier. My mom was the worst in earlier phases. Two things have saved me: therapy, and her progression. I feel a lot more love and compassion for my mom as her disease progresses.

Read posts here and you will find you are anything but alone - there is nothing wrong with you, or the feelings you are having. Please try to take care of yourself too without feeling guilty. My dad passed in ‘21 and since then I was plunged into caring for a woman I had barely spoken with in 15 years. Caring for myself while caring for her has saved me.

harshedbuzz

I was in a similar situation as the only surviving child of a father who was not as loving and supportive parent as they should have been. My late sister had always been "daddy's girl and his favorite. He wasn't especially gracious about being stuck with me. I found it be critical to be honest with myself about the temptation to kick him while he was down. I treated him with kindness because of who I am more than who he was.

At the end of the day, gentle fiblets make for an easier interaction and become a form of self-preservation. When mom struggled with the temptation after years of him having the upper hand in the marriage I told her to think about it as manipulation.

As dad progressed and became more impaired and pathetic, it was much easier to feel genuine compassion despite our personal history. He even seemed to forget that we didn't get along. But the early and middle stage was really difficult.

HB

mrsabaldwin

While my mom now has times of genuine appreciation, for several years everything was my fault and she was really snarky. Even telling whoppers to home health rather than taking accountability. Luckily my adult daughter was around to correct what mom said. Looking back knowing what I know now, it was certainly part of the disease. Not that she is sunshine and rainbows now but it has eased up from a constant bitterness and meanness. Being an only child (my brother passed in 1989), mom’s care is all on me. I shudder to think of what my dad would have endured if he was still alive.

I think it must be scary and hard to not remember recent years and wonder why everything is different and your daughter looks so old! That said, I usually treat her with grace but sometimes it is just too much when she gets really mean. I tell her I will come back when she’s had time to calm down or I get quiet. I just let her have her moment. Then I say if she’s done, I’d like to continue….whatever it is we are in the middle of doing. Then I try redirecting and reassuring.

concerned_sister

I like the expression I've learned from a video: they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time.

Smilescountry

I cannot tell fiblets, and my dad has always been able to detect things like that, and often he still does. However, I do better with the truth vs. kindness thing. In many situations, there are ways to be kind without telling someone all the truth while still not lying. For example, earlier this week, we had to put my dad on hospice. He is just on the verge of going into stage 7, but can still communicate, although not quite as well. When an intake nurse came a few nights ago, she asked me if I expected Dad to pass away within six months—in front of Dad! Didn't go well at all!!!! Yesterday, another intake nurse came. (The first one was properly reprimanded.) We did not mention hospice, and all the paperwork and questioning about my observations and expectations was done in another room. All we told Dad was that this nurse was here to give him extra help, which was true. Dad shocked me when he told the nurse that his brain had problems! When it comes to reasoning and correcting, I try to enter my dad's reality. Because his brain "has problems," I try to see things from his reality, which is hard. The fastest way to calm Dad, in my opinion, is to go along with what he says. For example, when he is worried about little children running around on the floor at night, I try to figure out what the real problem is. Usually, he is hearing noises that bother him and that cause him to hallucinate. I do what I can to get rid of the noises or to do something else to make them not as noticeable. I tell Dad that we will either move him or get the children out of the way so that he doesn't have to worry about them (depending on the situation). I don't see that as lying. Rather, it is dealing with the reality in his mind. My dad has always been a problem solver, so we do not brainstorm or talk about procedures or problems in front of him because it can cause lots of agitation or confusion. We keep everything pleasant and light, which he enjoys.

mpang123

Good points. When hospice comes over, I'll make sure my mom and me don't mention hospice in front him. He may get upset or anxious. Although he doesn't follow conversations very well and is hard of hearing, he can pick up some words.

sakflva

I mean - it sucks. My LO is nasty - thinks I locker her up - all kinds of stuff. I was getting phone calls 30+ times a day as well as emails 30+. I went to see her and she was so nasty - I literally was a mess. I've stopped responding bc she doesn't remember anything I say anyway.

mabelgirl

I get it. I’ve been dealing with my mom’s meanness now for nearly a year in my home 24 x 7. She calls me a liar, thief , lazy and said I should have died instead of her stillborn child. Prior to moving in with me she had my brother and his family to berate. I’ve posted before I work everyday to maintain my compassion. It’s a hard tow. I don’t believe it matters much how you handle it because your LO is just gonna forget. So my opinion is you do what you can live with. Can you live with getting angry or being nasty back to a child who knows no better? That’s what I think we’re dealing with, except at least a child has capacity to learn , our LO does not. I just say ok mom if that’s what you think. Sometimes she ask how much money I stole last night. I’ll respond not much . She just huffs and goes about her business!

Lynn24

My mother does the same. She is very mean and abusive. For the most part, I ignore her because she has no impulse control. Other times when it becomes too much, I respond, complete whatever task for her, and leave the space she is in. When I return downstairs where her living quarters are, she is very kind, because there is a part of her spirit that knows she was very mean and abusive.

This disease is a battle indeed.