Does shadowing ever go away?

LaneyG

I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it together. I am with him 24x7. I don’t have help. He yells for me whenever I leave the room. Every time I move he needs to know where I’m going. He says he’s afraid and we need to be together all the time. It was more manageable when I was able to make a quick trip to the grocery store or a quick cup of coffee with a friend. Now he insists on coming with me wherever I go. What is weird is that he seems so together in other ways. He knows what memory care is, what adult day care is and wants nothing of it. We are husband and wife and need to be together forever. He won’t accept a companion as he doesn’t need babysitting. I try to tell myself that this phase will pass as things progress. Will it??? I know progression brings other problems and I need to be careful what I wish for. I’ve contemplated being more assertive and candid with him about needing some time alone. I just don’t think he would get it and his feelings would just get hurt. I know they say there is no reasoning with someone with dementia. For the most part I’ve found this to be true. Has anyone learned otherwise?

M1

So sorry Laney. Yes it will pass, but who knows what will take its place. It is so hard to do necessary things against their will and without their consent. Shortly before I had to hospitalize my partner, i inadvertently rented a movie that was about three women who moved into assisted living. At that point I had to pick and choose what we watched because she couldn't follow most plots and this looked fairly benign, but i didn't pick up on the group living aspect of it. My partner took one look at it and commented that she'd "rather be shot than live in a place like that." I've never forgotten the stab to my heart. Because of course that's exactly where she ended up shortly thereafter. I couldn't find home help, i couldn't keep her safe by myself, and the threats of violence when i tried to prevent her driving was the coup de grace.

harshedbuzz

@LaneyG

I am sorry. This is a tough stage. Your DH sounds very like my dad.

Please resist the urge to try to reason with him and explain your need for some me time as it will not make this easier. You need to either present the day program as a volunteer opportunity (going with him the first several times) or bring in a HHA/companion under some ruse that doesn't have anything to do with him. With dad, we introduced a HHA when mom had her knee done. TBH, it didn't go well until we found a talented younger caregiver who he really liked. He never got to the point where he'd accept "care" from her, but she kept him safe so mom could get out. It wasn't a perfect solution as mom would have dearly loved to putter around her own house or nap, but if he knew she was there he only wanted her. It wasn't ideal.

HB

ghphotog

The shadowing in my case has never ceased. She started shadowing me a couple of years ago and would never leave my side. If I went into another room she would call out for me. "Where are you?" If I was in the shower I had to yell over and over again, "I'm in here, I'm in the shower!!" It got to the point that when I went somewhere, to the store or to stop briefly to pick somthing up I she would get out of the car or truck and start searching, sobbing / crying for me in the parking lots. Even now in MC she's still looking for me everywhere. When I visit her she says "where were you? I've been looking all over for you!"
It was hard to get used to when it first started but for the most part I adjusted.

clarinetist

My DH has shadowed me for several years. I find it to be highly annoying, but of course can never show my reaction. Now he is in memory care, and like ghphotog’s wife, is constantly asking for me. Shortly after I visit him, he’ll start up again asking for me.

I found I had to have some time to myself, even if my DH didn’t like it. Now of course it’s much easier. Keep trying to get some respite; it’s important for you!

annie51

The shadowing was something that took me a long time to get used to. It's exactly as you say, Laney, he comes with me EVERYWHERE and now I would be afraid to leave him alone for any length of time because he would freak out not knowing where I am. I'm glad we live in a small house or I'd be hoarse from yelling, lol! It's at the point now where he even checks on me when I'm going to the bathroom! And taking a shower has to be as quick as possible, else he gets irritated that it takes me too long. I, too, have no help and I'm not sure what will happen when I need to have someone come in. Usually if I get more assertive he ends up mad, so I try my best to keep the peace.

ButterflyWings

I never had this problem, ours was the opposite I guess. DH was a wandering spirit from the very beginning of this journey. If I left the room to prepare a sandwich or even to use the bathroom he was heading the opposite direction - to a different room to rummage or more likely putting on shoes or coat to leave the house altogether. He could get out the door and down the steps in a flash!

So, I am the one calling out to him until I can get back to his side — even now, to make sure he knows I'm still here and expecting him to be, as well! I think part of him forgets there is someone else with him (I know that's so because it can happen even when I'm seated right beside him. If he is distracted with something, he may look up and say how surprised he is to see me, or ask "when did you get here?" as if I haven't been right there, for hours). But definitely for several years he simply took any opportunity that I wasn't in the same room, to "elope" or pull a disappearing act. Odd - I never thought of this as the reverse of the shadowing instinct but maybe…

He is much less of an escape artist now that he is not so steady on his feet and takes a lot more time to stand up unless I help him. So, for us, dementia progression has changed his ability to execute the instinct, but he still has the inner prompting to go awol whenever I am not at his side or line of sight. In your case, I do hope the shadowing fades away. That would drive anyone over the edge, even though you sympathize with their anxiety or fear, I remember when one of my children had separation anxiety and it can be exhausting.

Iris L.

If you can find JoC's old threads, you can learn how she slowly introduced a "friend" to her mom. The friend was a visitor to Jo C then gradually became more focused on the mom, and mom grew to like her.

Iris

KathyF1

Laney, my DH shadowed me incessantly too for a very long time. He’s in late stage 5 I believe? But lately he has become more content to watch tv while I do things around the house. Unheard of before, he was always right there beside me. I know how it wears on you, believe me! But be encouraged. I do feel at least for now my days are less stressful than when he was always under foot.

Ragfoot

My wife retired 10 years before I did. When it came time for my retirement, she made it clear… she had a life, friends, hobbies, she did NOT want me velcroed to her hip when I retired. We had a number of very good years of retirement before the dementia set in. Not to long ago, there were several years my DW was only comfortable if I was sitting VERY close to her. I was continually shadowed. BUT, now in what I perceive as late stage 6, I am no longer shadowed. She seldom asks to go home. And, she no longer packs her things to head out the door. There are some new problems/opportunities, but in general life is a little easier for me. I am still a caregiver 24/7, but now I can leave the room for an hour at a time if I want (I still keep an eye on her with a security cam). I frequently read on these discussion groups, "your mileage may differ". Apparently, no two people with dementia are likely to follow the same game plan.