Dark humor

Hope5757

I’m tired so maybe that’s why the thought came to me that I’m finally a mother. DH and I were never blessed with kids.

Now, I’ve become a parent! I realized this when MIL called for me at 3 AM. She couldn’t tell me why she’d called. I asked if she needed to go to the bathroom and she agreed. We went and after she was finished but still sitting on the commode, she asked me what to do next. I have to direct her to throw away the dirty toilet paper because she always shows it to me first.

I don’t think I’ve had three hours of continuous sleep since her last hospitalization on May 3rd.

She’s not eating very well and my SIL suggested I hand feed her while making choo-choo sounds. I hope she was joking but was scared to ask.

SusanB-dil

Oh,my... yes, most of us on 'here' have 'become the parent'. It bites. I'm so sorry.

Hope5757

Thank you @SusanB-dil . It does bite. Big time. Always good to talk to friends.

Marta

Is she on Hospice?

GothicGremlin

@Hope5757 - for me it was the irony. I never wanted children (am very happy being the eccentric aunt though!), but then when my sister was diagnosed with Alzheimer's/FTD, I became a first-time parent. Dark humor, for sure, with just a twist of irony. I've laughed over this more than a few times.

ButterflyWings

@Hope5757 during the phase when DH was starting to REALLY balk at leaving the house with me for errands, etc. as in, grabbing the furniture, slamming the door shut again as soon as I opened it to let us out, clutching both doorjambs and planting his feet behind the post by the doorway, gripping anything that might help anchor him on this side of the doorway—talk about wrestle mania! Its a wonder we didn't both end up on the floor or at the bottom of the porch steps once I got him to loosen his grasp and physically nudged him out the door with my body, while shutting the door behind us quickly and locking it before he re-entered.

After yet another missed appointment, I told one of his docs that he was always totally fine once we got outside and down the steps into the car, and that once I turn on the radio he taps his feet and almost does not want to go back inside the house when it is time. She suggested I try singing to him while strolling casually toward the door to exit next time.

She was serious, Well I tried it, and it actually worked lol! For a time anyway. We eventually were housebound for 2 years (not during lockdown), so — I really was ready to try anything. And yes, it is very much like being a parent to a toddler mentality though they look and often sound like adults so the trouble they can get into is much bigger than when my kids were little and totally dependent.

Hope5757

@Marta - we have a meeting with the supportive care doctor who is both palliative care and hospice. I think by the appointment, DH will have processed that hospice is the right choice. He’s struggling.

@GothicGremlin - So funny you can cry, right? But the look of total bewilderment in her eyes is very childlike. Her decline has been mind bogglingly fast. In March, she was pin curling her hair and putting on makeup. And I’m so sorry for the recent loss of your sister.

@ButterflyWings - Getting out the door is crazily complicated now. Between the wheelchair, oxygen and incontinence supplies, I have to plan as if an appointment is an overnight trip. I laughed at the mental picture of you prying your DH’s fingers loose. I told a friend that caregiving for my MIL made me realize that what doesn’t kill you just means you bleed out slowly. Dark humor indeed.

mommyandme (m&m)

I didn’t like being my moms parent. I adjusted to it and did my best yet it was very cumbersome at times. Only when she was actively dying did our roles revert back to my being her child as she was guiding ME during her final journey. Don’t get me wrong, I’m stubborn so it took me some painful soul searching to get there but what a relief it was when she was finally my mommy again.

Thanks Mom for hanging with me til I could get myself figured out and find some peace. You’re always the best mommy!

Hope5757

@mommyandme (m&m) -

Thank you for your post on regrets and selfishness that you posted soon after the death of your DM. It was very helpful.

harshedbuzz

@Hope5757

It's funny how that happens.

My Aunt P was the least maternal human I know. She was the fun aunt who'd been something of a hoodlum as a teen, a career girl in the city as a younger woman and married briefly later in life. Somehow, she has become the designated family caregiver stepping up and even taking over when the more logical person faulters.

She's freakishly good at it. I think you are, too.

HB

concerned_sister

Thanks for sharing your insights. DB and wife have not had children. I've wondered how it will be for her as he regresses with her not having experience with a toddler. You learn as you go.

GothicGremlin

@Hope5757 - yes, exactly that kind of funny. 🙂 Thank you for your condolences, I appreciate it.

And yeah, it's mind-boggling how quickly they can decline. Last summer I could still take Peggy out into the memory care garden, and enjoy the snapdragons. She could still walk under her own power. By early November, she was confined to a wheelchair (soon to be bed bound), and even the thought of going outside was long gone. She just plain old refused to go outside.

Hope5757

@harshedbuzz -

Thank you for the encouragement. Your responses are always appreciated.

I’m good at the management and organizing piece. Not so good at being tenderly patient. But I’m getting better. I’ve learned to emotionally walk alway when she gets too mean. Like your dad, as she declines, she is getting nicer. I’m grateful for that.