Memory Care update

Anonymousjpl123

After a bunch of problems at my mom’s MC (staff turnover, two ER trips in 3 months, her constant complaints about the place), I looked at two other places. One owned by the same company, overlapping staff, bigger, more beautiful, and a friend’s moms had moved there, but not as good of a location. I met with current MC directors and they were quite good - not defensive, responsive, wanted her to stay, said improvements were happening. I briefly visited the other place with my mom and she loved it.

At the very last minute (like right before I signed things), she adamantly refused to move. Said she likes where she is. It hit me how little she really gets: while discussing it, her biggest concern was whether we had had desert yet (we were eating). Since they are comparable, I was honestly open.

Oddly, I feel that now that she knows on some level she has an option, she seems much more content where she is. Her disease is progressing, but I’m still in it with her. I’m caring for myself, visiting her a lot, still working, and doing much better at going with the flow.

We had a really nice visit last night, even after staff had called me to say she had a rough day. We sang, ate, and discussed her potential move to her childhood home 3,000 miles away. I told her I hoped she wouldn’t move so we could keep hanging out, and she said that was a great idea.

I’m grateful for therapy, friends I truly lean on, and the family groups at her place. I am grateful you guys let me share this endless saga here.

psg712

It truly does feel endless sometimes. Hang in there! You are doing your best for her.

Anonymousjpl123

Endless yes, @psg712 but somehow I am getting more and more perspective, and finding more and more ways to stay present with her without checking out. I’m learning and oddly grateful for this experience though I’m not always sure why.

Quilting brings calm

it’s endless. We took Mom to lunch for her birthday the day before Mother’s Day. It’s not something I normally do. I usually only take her out of the AL to go to doctor appointments.

She was so stressed out by being given a choice of restaurants. She changed her mind three times. Finally decided on pizza because we made the choice for her. When we got there, I read her the choices for toppings several times. She chose sausage, tomatoes and onions. She’s never had tomatoes on her pizza in her life.

I think your mom is probably the same. Given a choice - she will pick the path of least resistance. Because making a choice is just too stressful.

Anonymousjpl123

Yes - my mom really can’t handle choices. And 99% of the time I just make it for her, like restaurants, or clothes, or whatever. But in this case I just felt like she was SO miserable and I had to let her see an option. It’s really more about my denial: she is convinced there are 2 or 3 of me (sisters), thinks she’s moving to her childhood home 3,000 miles away, and lately thinks my dad is alive. I’m not sure why I’m so determined to let her feel agency, but I am. Even though I make the choices for her anyway.

And it really did seem to help her feel better about where she is.

Does this make sense?

psg712

Yes it makes sense. We still want to show the respect that we would to any other adult - especially a parent! - by acknowledging their right to decide for themselves. Even if it's just pizza toppings.

My mom is also rarely able to handle choices. A restaurant menu may as well be in a foreign language to her. Once in a while she can make a selection between two options, such as a flavor selection for ice cream: vanilla or strawberry? But it usually has to be physically in front of her, visible options.