I need someone to talk to

DeeW

Hello all! I'm new here. Lucky me, right? 😟 My Mother-in-law had Alzheimers and passed many years ago. I now fear my husband is in the early stages along with adult onset ADHD. Me?? I'm losing my mind!!!

He can't remember anything and constantly makes excuses for his behavior by saying things like 'Why should I remember something so insignificant.' He organized his workbench and yet can't remember where anything is. He asks me where he put something. How would I know. This is just one example of many of his odd behaviors.

The other thing that bothers me to no end... he doesn't hear me. He'll ask me something and not listen for the answer or he hears something but it's what he wants to hear, not what I actually said. I feel like I'm talking to a wall. He gets angry a lot too but...HE DOESN'T SEE ANY PROBLEM!!!

I'm so frustrated, angry and exhausted all the time. I feel like I have to think for 2 people.

He's in denial that anything is wrong. I threatened to leave him if he didn't get help so he bought a booklet on ADHD. I thought, ok...a step in the right direction. FAT CHANCE! That was a month ago and he hasn't read 1 page. SIGH!

I don't know what to do. I'm willing to listen to any suggestions.

ButterflyWings

It may be one of the dementias, not just ADHD. Has he had any testing or diagnosis? Anosognosia is not denial - it is the brain damage causing an inability to perceive their own deficits. Very important for us as caregivers to understand and not keep confronting, agitating, expecting someone who CAN'T to change, because we mistakenly think they WON'T. It is a real learning curve for all of us, I know it was like drinking from the fire hose for the first year or 2.

When I realized DH was ill and had NO idea that he was, nor could he help it, my frustration at him melted away. I'm still super frustrated, sad, anxious, and sometimes downright P.O.'d at our situation, but not at him. It makes a big difference. And the silver lining was, he often reflects my mood and attitude, so the calmer I was/am, the more peaceful and less anxious or angry my DH was.

Good luck to you. Stay the course to get answers, but try to think of it as you leading the way (maybe secretly) to get answers FOR you both, not FROM him. If he has one of the dementias, he can't help you any more than he can help himself and not accepting that, makes friends, family, medics, caregivers the problem - not the PWD.

We are here in the same boat, bailing water right with you. So welcome though I wish none of us needed to be here. I hope you find the answers and some solutions. If it is not dementia, you can possibly treat and have a much better future than most of us and our LOs here can expect. Hang in there. This is a good and wise, experienced group of fellow travelers willing to share what we have learned.

https://dailycaring.com/6-ways-to-help-someone-who-doesnt-know-theyre-ill-anosognosia-in-dementia/

M1

Welcome Dee though I'm sorry you have need to be here. There are many experienced caregivers here, and this forum can potentially help you a lot. I second everything Butterfly Wings said. I completely understand how frustrated you are—but as she said, part of what is so sad and so hard it that you have to realize that you no longer have a spouse or partner, and you cannot and should not expect him to be able to function like he used to. You can't ask him to complete a task, you can't ask him to take out the garbage, you can't ask him to get the forks out of the kitchen drawer (this happened to me, and I realized my partner no longer knew which drawer they were in). You do in fact have to think for two. The loss of partnership and relationship makes this ever so sad, and it takes a while—a long while—to get used to. But when you do, your frustration will be a lot less, and you will become a better caregiver. Being mad at him now is like being mad at a toddler who can't follow your directions. It's pointless, and abusive after a point.

Read a lot of threads and you will learn a ton. We've all been where you are now.

Caro_Lynne

Butterfly, you always know exactly how to put into words what I feel, and probably most of us on this forum. I have difficulty expressing my feelings and experience in written word, so thank you.

DeeW we have all been where you are at. My LO's advanced dementia was as the result of a vascular stroke which accelerated his cognitive decline from a 1 to a 4-5 and I did not experience the stages in between, so I had to equally accelerate my caregiving with no notice. What has helped me is this forum and my acceptance of his deficiencies; I just go with whatever he says, do not try to correct him, and try to give him the best possible life. Once his geriatric psychiatrist prescribed appropriate meds he is no longer agitated or violent.

I never speak of dementia with him because I know he would not understand. Even though he is my ex-partner it breaks my heart to see him this way, I cry myself to sleep most every night but get up the next morning ready to face what I need to do. He has no one other than me and I know in my heart this is where God needs me to be. I hope you can find acceptance and peace. xo

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

I have quite a bit of experience with ADHD in family members across the lifespan. Adult-onset ADHD, as opposed to an initial diagnosis of Adult ADHD is pretty unusual. When my 33 year old niece moved in with me to pay off her student loans, I recognized signs of ADHD and encouraged her to see the psychiatrist who manages my son's ADHD medications. Thinking back, there were signs but since she presented atypically (and differently than her diagnosed sister) she was diagnosed late. I recognized ADHD in my own mom even as a child as did her siblings when she was little, but she wasn't diagnosed until she was 80 and I got her in with a psychiatrist to manage her psychoactive meds when dad was initially diagnosed with dementia. At the time dad was diagnosed with dementia, DH and I used to comment how difficult it would be to parse easly symptoms given how quirky mom has always been.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/abcs-child-psychiatry/201711/adult-onset-adhd-is-usually-something-else

That said, lately she and I have both become concerned about some new short term memory issues, word finding glitches and persistent trouble focusing. Her PCP has done a quick screening which was fine and done the initial bloodwork to rule out other conditions. Turns out, she's positive for Lyme Disease (likely from last summer) and just completed a course of antibiotics. She's scheduled for a contrast MRI and has a referral to neurology.

He's likely suffering from anosognosia and is unable to recognize the severity of his impairment even if he does admit to some memory issues. IME, in early dementia the losses of executive function, higher order thinking and loss of empathy are as critical as memory loss.

HB

LaneyG

I agree with all that was said here. In an odd sort of way it is liberating to recognize and accept that our LO’s with dementia are sick and even the simplest of concepts and tasks they can no longer grasp. There is no cure. They need us and depend on us. So we just move on one day at a time and learn to accept and take the lead on all that needs to be done. I find it is never easy but I have adapted. In a way it is freeing to just rely on myself and do what’s needed in my way and in my time.But it is a lot! I have to work very hard at not losing my patience. I remind myself constantly that he is ill, can’t help the way he is, and is also quite terrified not understanding or accepting all that is happening to him. Find a way to make some joy for you both everyday. Hold on tight to those things that you both can do and enjoy together. Do get your husband checked out. I know it can be easier said than done in the earlier stages and if he doesn’t recognize he is not well. Also be sure to take care of yourself….i find that to be much easier said than done.

concerned_sister

Hi DeeW, sorry to hear what you're going through. There is so much wisdom in this forum, please try to read as many threads as you can. I've found this to be a tremendous help. Here and there you might see references to Teepa Snow. She is a guru on caregiving to folks with dementia. She has many videos on the subject. Something you said put me in mind of one of her videos I recently watched. Many of the lessons in her videos come through role playing, rather than lecturing. You had talked about your hubby not seeming to hear what you were telling him. That's a real thing. Teepa was demonstrating in one of her videos that the person with dementia may only hear 3 out of 4 words you speak. I hope you search you tube for Teepa. She has a lot to share.

ImMaggieMae

DeeW, welcome to the forum. This is probably going to be one of the best resources that you will find. We all get what you’re going through. While every person with Alz or other dementia is different, there is much that they all have in common. I have found so much good advice here.

There isn’t much that I can add to ButterflyWings advice above. She said it perfectly. Your husband is ill and has NO idea that he is nor can he help it. Truth.

jsps139_

When I approach the day with a “Poor Me” attitude, things never go good throughout the day. When I approach the day with a “Poor Him” attitude, our day goes much smoother.
I wish I could say most of my days have the “Poor Him” attitude, but they don’t. Maybe someday.

trottingalong

I was like you when I found this group. My DH and I were bickering all the time. I listened to the advice I found here. I didn’t need to be right all the time, I didn’t need to question why he did or didn’t do something. It made my life so much easier. If he says I told him something I know I didn’t, I just say something like “I forgot all about that. Maybe I got it wrong.” He usually just agrees and it’s over.

DeeW

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I try to be patient with him but it's so hard when, things he does, makes my life harder. I'm disabled and need my own amount of help. I'm trying to become self sufficient, knowing what is coming. Still frustrated but trying.

housefinch

I agree with @harshedbuzz about adult onset ADHD. I have 2 children with ADHD, was diagnosed myself in middle age (after recognizing lifelong symptoms in myself when our older child was diagnosed), and I suspect my father had it. A person generally won’t be considered to have ADHD unless he/she had multiple symptoms in childhood that were bad enough to cause difficulty in school, with friends, etc. Adults diagnosed late in life typically describe working 10 times harder than their friends and siblings to stay afloat as kids. If that wasn’t him as a kid, it’s pretty unlikely to be ADHD. I hope this is useful and that you’re able to get some answers for your husband with additional evaluation.