Another good day

concerned_sister

Consider this a continuation of something I posted in April.

I wanted to update on how the not driving is going.

It's now been about 2 months since DB last drove. YB has been having issues with a car repair and DB has leant him his car. The fix has been slow for a number of reasons, and DB is getting anxious. I got a call from DB late yesterday. He wanted to report he spent money. Since I helped he and his wife get on top of their financial situation he seeks my approval (as in "good job") when he spends money with an eye towards staying on budget. He said he added YB as a driver on his insurance policy. I started to ask questions, and he slightly raised his voice. Calmly, I pointed out he had raised his voice, would he rather I just listen, or could I talk about that decision. (My career was in the insurance industry.) I told him that as long as YB was driving his vehicle with his permission he was covered. That YB's liability coverage would also cover him. I told him it's his money, but if it were me, I wouldn't have made the change (it added about $200 to his bill). As we hung up he said he'd give it some thought. I believe we spoke later and he had trouble cancelling the change on-line, and he'd handle it in the morning.

So this morning he calls and asks me to help with this. We decide we'll go to the office in person, it was open until 1 pm.

YIKES…as I drove over, I started thinking through all the scenarios. If we show up in person and he gets tongue tied it'll will be obvious he needs my help. (To our knowledge though he is not driving, the DMV letter revoking his license has not been processed.) Could this trigger a cancellation of his policy?

Being an insider, I remembered adding a driver could trigger pulling DMV records, and might cause the DMV action to show up.

I started dreading the conversation I would have to have with him.

When I got there he could read my face, and asked what's wrong? I asked for a piece of paper.

1. DB Only
2. DB + YB
3. YB only

I had him confirm my understanding. Before the change it was him only. Now both brothers are on the policy, not that he changed to YB only.

I explained the concerns I outlined above. But as we talked it through, it seems this may all work out right as an unintended consequence. The policy has YB as the primary driver and is unlikely to provoke a cancellation. DB will continue to not drive. Once YB's car is fixed, they'll take DB's car once a week to keep it in working order. As discussed previously, he holds out hope that when he sees the neurologist again to get tested about 6 mos from original test, he hopes he'll show he's capable of driving. I told him, based on knowledge of the disease, that's not likely. (Very calmly) I explained I would cancel the policy when YB gets his car fixed, and sell it, and use the money towards a new car for his wife. But, it seems that $200 is his investment in his hope he can drive again. He agreed. And then it came out of his mouth, not just agreeing, that if at the next test if the doctor still says he should not drive, he'll sell his car and get his wife a new one.

I agree with anyone thinking that's a lot of reasoning with someone with a broken reasoner. But he seemed to be taking it all in. I was about to leave and noticed I was low on gas. I invited him to go with me to Costco so we could use his discount to fill my tank (he likes when he can do that), and then we went shopping for a few things he wanted. Getting out and buying just a few food items lifted his spirits.

All in all it worked out pretty well. YB pointed out that targeting the $ from selling his car in to a new car for his wife is the type of thing that makes him feel good. The dread I was feeling was replaced with feeling pretty good by the time I left.

SusanB-dil

I'm glad it all ended well. Always good to hear some good news.

mommyandme (m&m)

When my moms driving privileges were revoked we still kept her car so caregivers could transport her with it. She was used to it and was able to get into easier than some. I called her insurance company and they only required the names and DLs of those that would be driving her. It wasn’t too difficult for us. Thanks for the update.

Hope5757

@concerned_sister -

Your DB must have been a logical thinker to be able to follow that line of reasoning. I think this is an example of how differently dementia can be approached.

My MIL was an emotional thinker and always struggled with making even small decisions. Even without dementia, she would not have been able to think through the various factors.

Good for you for understanding your DB’s processing style and making this work.

concerned_sister

Hope5757,

Thanks. Yes, now that you point it out, that is his trademark. His computer side line and constant problem solving required that type of thinking. So did his being a naval nuclear engineer. This morning I had occasion to drive both brothers. DB pointed out to younger brother how that situation worked itself out. To me, it was clear he understood. But at the same time I know that won't be true for all situations, and will likely fade away as this progresses.

concerned_sister

Another thing about DB, he always craved affirmation. My instincts tell me he appreciated being right for maybe not the reason he intended. I think that was part of him retelling this to YB.

He still mixes up names, and can forget something he said moments later. So it's best I observe this as isolated. I still see his deficits.

GothicGremlin

This is all good to hear @concerned_sister I'm happy it's worked out.

Funny how cognitive reserve is … there was a guy in my sister's memory care unit (he's probably still there) who has quite the cognitive reserve. He was a nuclear physicist. There were times when he'd chat with me and Peggy and I could almost believe that he really didn't belong in memory care. Then he'd say or do something bizarre and I'd think, "oh yeah, that's why he's here." But he could fool you a lot of the time. One time he offered to help me out and keep an eye on Peggy while I ran an errand. I was like, "thanks, but I'm good." I had my caregiver run the errand.

concerned_sister

Re cognitive reserve- DB and I had a lighthearted conversation (really) about the driving. I pointed out with his cognitive reserve the disease was likely doing it's damage for a long time before it became noticable. At some point I commented I had to write something down as I was afraid I'd forget it. With a tease in his voice, he asks you to? I said that as siblings I now had to be extra aware knowing it's in the family. Teasing, he says, I probably got it from you. Calling back to cognitive reserve, I told him for that to be true that would mean I had to be smarter than him to begin with. (I got a big smile, as he'd never share that conclusion.)