Fiblets or Truth Telling & Distraction Techniques?

Me&Sis

Hi, I was a frequent reader of these discussions a few years ago but found a smaller group that felt a little closer. They have ended the Kinto app/group and so I return here.

When I first started reading, I heard a lot about “fiblets” or the little lies that people tell to their person to avoid confrontation or agitation. I felt uncomfortable with this idea at the time, but felt I understood the give and take that we engage in to keep our people happy,

Now, a few years along and with Mom farther into her illness, what I have discovered is that the main objective is to avoid engaging in the argument. I could make up a story about why Mom doesn’t drive, possible to avoid agitation. She may or may not remain upset about not driving. Or, I could tell her the truth and she may become angry. But, if I state things simply and don’t allow it to turn into an argument I somehow feel better about maintaining my own integrity. I think Mom has always known me to be a truth teller, she can trust me. It’s who I want to be throughout our journey.

When she refuses a shower and I tell her, “it’s been five days, time for a shower,” this feels more straight forward than inventing a special reason she needs to get washed. She may swear or grumble or stomp her feet, but I gently tell her “we don’t talk to each other that way” and walk away. I come back pretending she agreed, and hand her the towel or let her know the bathroom is free.

I know I am lucky, and she’s a gentle kind lady to her core, so her episodes of frustration are likely less than some of you encounter, but I wonder if we should focus our advice on distraction techniques, and conflict avoidance ideas. I’d like more help with that… if I hand her a cup of tea and say “I love you Mom.” She’s in another moment right away.

What are some ways that you distract your person from a moment of frustration, and transition into a better moment?

psg712

"Let's see if there are any birds at the feeder."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you about the great play (grandson) made in the ball game."

"I think there's one more strawberry shake (Glucerna supplement) in the fridge."

Most of the time this type of distraction works, due to my mom’s short attention span and porous memory. Occasionally, though, she will get fixated on an issue and have trouble letting it go. I think for folks who are more easily agitated and obsess over things, fiblets can be necessary tools to reach a calmer state.

mabelgirl

I think our approach to our LO is as unique to the individual as the disease is. No one answer fits all. Caretakers are doing the best they can for a better life for everyone in the home. I’m glad you have found a solution your LO.

eaglemom

Once you find something that works, use it. Until it doesn't work and then you'll find something else that works. It sounds so simplistic, but every caregiver knows it is not, it difficult and challenging. I always try to make certain to give a hug, place my hand on his shoulder, etc. Just that human touch is so very reassuring.

eagle

Anonymousjpl123

I like your approach of trying to be honest - at least in essence. I try to do the same. So for example, when my mom says “I’m moving to xxx tomorrow. You can visit me once a month,” I say “you know I understand why you might want to go there, but I really have enjoyed spending more time with you.” Like that.

It’s a delicate balance.

But it sounds to me like you’re getting the idea.

Me&Sis

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209815#Comment_209815

I agree, every person and each illness is different. Thanks for your encouragement. I am only saying that I need more ideas for redirection, I read a lot about fiblets and find lots of suggestions for alternate stories. Probably because that's a straightforward idea. Interacting in the moment can be so nuanced.

Me&Sis

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209864#Comment_209864

That is a nice response. Validate the feeling, focus on connection.